Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Social Poets: Iran: Gotcha Government Systems With The Stars Virus

The Social Poets: Iran: Gotcha Government Systems With The Stars Virus: "From Denny: The Iranian version of Chicken Little is running around screaming that their government systems were targeted again by the West. Read that as 'It's America's and Israel's fault. We have been wronged by the Big Bad Bullies of the West.'

Iran claims it is the Stars Virus, sent by vicious Western cyberattackers, has infected their computer systems. As usual for this clownish regime, they have not verified any of this to be true - other than the infection."

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Social Poets: Jon Stewart Interviews Egypt Revolution Activist Gigi Ibrahim

The Social Poets: Jon Stewart Interviews Egypt Revolution Activist Gigi Ibrahim: "From Denny: Stewart dishes out the political satire in a semi-serious interview aimed at exposing how for decades American policy has had little to do with the reality of every day Egyptians.

What is so funny about the experience of this young woman is how she became involved in the Egypt Revolution this past January in Tahrir Square.  She went to a class, 'The Social Mobilization Under Authoritarian Regime,' at the American University in Cairo."

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Dennys Global Politics: Libya: Specific Targeting: Predator Drones, Gazillion Political Cartoons

Dennys Global Politics: Libya: Specific Targeting: Predator Drones, Gazillion Political Cartoons: "From Denny: America is off their war holiday and back in the driver's seat with NATO in Libya. Read that as the other guys so screwed up they demanded America go back to spending all the money and taking all the heat when the bombs land on unintended targets. They never did get their targeting as accurate as America does.

The latest? Well, at least we are using less expensive weaponry. This time we are back to using the drones with Hellfire missiles like we used in Pakistan. Of course, Pakistan is tired of us and ordered out our CIA intelligence gathering crowd. They aren't too happy with our drones killing off well-paying Taliban who fund the corrupt members of the Pakistani military and political circle.

So, what is a self-respecting American military to do? Well, just slide those useful drones right on over to Libya, of course: brilliant! We can boast about how we save money for the budget deal of a life time. Then we can brag how we don't kill quite as many innocents when we bomb Gadafi's troops."

Steve Sack

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Dennys Food and Recipes: From Chef Mario Batali: Grilled Easter Lamb, Pasta, Cheese Dishes

Dennys Food and Recipes: From Chef Mario Batali: Grilled Easter Lamb, Pasta, Cheese Dishes: "From Denny: Chef Mario Batali is rolling out a simple easy to do Easter dinner. He is also rolling out a new TV show in September of this year where he and a few friends discuss food and pop culture. It sounded like the name of this new show is 'The Chew.' If it's as good as his serial food show he and Mark Bittman and Gwyneth Paltrow did on Spain it should be a joy to watch - and learn.

On the Good Morning America set Chef Batali treated us to an Italian style Easter meal where the Italians love to celebrate the food of the season. If you enjoy potatoes as much as cheesy pasta, then his Pastiera dish is for you. Even vegetarians can enjoy this meal for the side dishes with cheese and eggs.

As usual Chef Mario has everything simplified so you can enjoy your holiday. Take a look at this wonderful grilled lamb dish.

Recipes Featured:

Butterflied Leg of Lamb with Garlic, Rosemary and Mint
Agnolotti Alla Primavera
Asparagus Milanese

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Friday Lite: Colbert Addresses The Politically Tone Deaf

The dome of the US Capitol building.Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Funny Friday Lite: Colbert Addresses The Politically Tone Deaf: "So, today Colbert talks about one of our five senses: hearing. Did I mention that I've dedicated this funny video to all the tone deaf politicians currently occupying the halls of Congress? Don't get too comfortable, guys, you are about to lose your jobs."
Enhanced by Zemanta

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny 1917 CIA Spy Technology Docs Released: Invisible Writing

The Social Poets: Funny 1917 CIA Spy Technology Docs Released: Invisible Writing: "From Denny: Anyone who regularly reads this blog knows I grew up in the CIA. Yes, it was one weird childhood living with such paranoid uptight and often humorless people. Whenever the CIA releases ancient documents molding down in their deep dark spy basement it always gives me a grin.

When I was a kid we spent a lot of time figuring out codes since Dad had been a code breaker in WWII - among other things. One of our other childhood past times was to figure out intriguing ways to pass messages and, yes, write in invisible ink. Even Dad joined in the fun. My mother just shook her head and thought we were all a bunch of looney tunes. Knowing Dad he was probably using his baby geniuses to do his research on the cheap. Who said you can't take your work home with you?

Anyway, it is with great pleasure I present to you Rachel Maddow's cheeky report about Dear Ol' Dad's creepy CIA. This week, The New CIA under Director Leon Panetta, and a lot less creepy, odious and just plain obnoxious, released some 1917 technology for public viewing, er, laughter."

Poems From A Spiritual Heart: Stephen Colbert Interviews Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg About Poetry

Poems From A Spiritual Heart: Stephen Colbert Interviews Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg About Poetry: "From Denny: While Stephen Colbert, of The Colbert Report, is known for his satire and wildly funny self, he does manage to do some almost serious interviews. In this case, Caroline Kennedy, daughter of President John F. Kennedy, is rolling out a book of poetry.

This book, 'She Walks In Beauty,' is comprised of men writing poems about women to celebrate them. The collection is about women celebrating themselves, describing the special connection women have to poetry from growing up in the world of emotion."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Funny Dogs, Satire Technology and Clever Marketing Cartoons

From Denny: Enjoy a good chuckle from these twisted cartoons. What a view of society! The names of the guilty have been changed to protect Big Business.

Tech is the new thumb sucking and fairy tales at bed time...

Moderately Confused

How technology has become the new fairy tale revisionist...

Moderately Confused

The Social Poets: New Terrorism Alert System: Gone Is Bush Era Funny

The Social Poets: New Terrorism Alert System: Gone Is Bush Era Funny: "From Denny: What? My Democrats have gone and done something that makes sense? Whatever will we do without the crazy antics of the Republicans running the federal government? There goes the good entertainment value for your vote.

My own terror alert for Homeland Security when new poems are published

Gone is the stupid color coded terror chart of the Bush years we all loved to lampoon regularly. Today, Homeland Security revealed the obvious: two levels of alert, 'elevated threat' and 'imminent threat.'

Read elevated threat as 'Take a look around and be aware of your surroundings and pay attention to the news while you are at it.' Read imminent threat as 'You are basically screwed if you didn't pay attention to the first warning and check your phone apps for updates.'"

Beautiful Illustrated Quotations: Grandma Wisdom Rules: Old Female Elephant Protects Herd

Beautiful Illustrated Quotations: Grandma Wisdom Rules: Old Female Elephant Protects Herd: "Women know best. :) And the old ladies really know best. At least that's what researchers discovered when they blasted the roar of a male lion out onto the plain where a herd of elephants were gathered."

Elephant Face

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Tax Season: Cartoons and Late Nite Jokes

The Social Poets: Funny Tax Season: Cartoons and Late Nite Jokes: "General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation. – Conan O'Brien

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before. – Jay Leno

Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt. – Jay Leno

In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad. – Jay Leno"

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Posts Roundup at Dennys Blogs - 17 April 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Posts Roundup at Dennys Blogs - 17 April 2011: "While the Japanese nuclear crisis continues unabated, the rest of the world has moved on, dreading the inevitable. At the moment the world community has pressured Japan to come up with a plan to contain or deal with the crisis over a nine month period.

Why the same people are in charge of this mess that created the mess is a mystery. It's as foolish as it was to trust BP to clean up the oil spill disaster in my own Gulf of Mexico. Serious hardships still exist as a result of President Obama and BP refusing to do what it takes to make things right, especially in Louisiana.

At the very least the President could do is refuse to allow BP access to any of America's oil fields on or off shore. The company has simply not earned the right to drill for oil on American soil or in our oceans."

The Social Poets: The Ridiculous: Funny Donald Trump Cartoons, Late Nite Jokes

The Social Poets: The Ridiculous: Funny Donald Trump Cartoons, Late Nite Jokes: "OK, with a show of hands, who really thinks Trump is serious about running for President? Yeah, I agree with you. He's a complete clown no one would take seriously - except for the Republicans. Can you believe Trump last week's poll says he is  tied for first place for the GOP nomination? Just goes to show acting strange and exaggerated appeals to Republican voters who lost their minds long ago when they signed up on the Karl Rove-Bush's Brain Express.

The Donald Trump Exaggeration: his reality TV shows, the beauty queens, the weird hair and his gold-plated billionaire real estate empire."

Robert Ariail

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Social Poets: Jockeying For Power: Tea Party Says Replace Boehner Over 2011 Budget Deal

Democratic Party (United States)Democratic Party these days - Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Jockeying For Power: Tea Party Says Replace Boehner Over 2011 Budget Deal: "The snake pit fought ferociously today delivering an intense political high stakes drama. Never mind there are 25 million people out of work and in dire need of jobs in America. Apparently, that is not a drama they find interesting enough to tackle when they can be jockeying for personal political power and recognition.

Congress and the White House were all about playing the game of 'Screw You!' as much as possible, creating serious bad blood in each party. The snakes are fighting the snakes in their own parties: Republicans vs. Republicans and Democrats vs. Democrats."

Odd News: Girl Yawns In Boring Class, Cannot Close Her Mouth, Goes To Hospital

From Denny: OK, this is funny and not funny. Talk about downright strange. Have you ever yawned so much that you could not close your mouth - and jaw - back into position?

This college student was listening to a boring class lecture, let out a huge yawn, and then was terrified to discover she could not get her jaw back into position to close her mouth.

When your mouth is open that wide you can't talk, can't eat or drink. You can get dehydrated or even starve. Fortunately, a doctor knew exactly what to do for her by shoving a tall order of 26 tongue depressors into her gaping mouth. Then all they had to do was wait for her jaw muscles to get tired and then the doctor could set her jaw back into proper place.

Take a look at how this strange situation was handled to a successful conclusion. Well, one thing is for sure, she will definitely think twice about yawning when she is bored in a dull class.

The Social Poets: Funny Video: Stephen Colbert Prepares Us 4 Life Without Glenn Beck

Arguing with Idiots was published by Simon and...Image via Wikipedia

The Social Poets: Funny Video: Stephen Colbert Prepares Us 4 Life Without Glenn Beck: " This is pretty funny stuff as Stephen shows the Beck clips of 'end of the world backpacks' every household should stash. It's got at least two weeks worth of freeze dried food that tastes yummy, according to Beck. Then Colbert goes on to lampoon the remaining stragglers of advertisers still willing to show their face, uh, their products on the Glenn Beck show."

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Outrageous Funny Cartoon From Raymond Betancourt: Dracula Promotes Recyling

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Outrageous Funny Cartoon From Raymond Betancourt: Dracula Promotes Recyling: "These are definitely not from the 'freshies' pantry. Cartoonist Betancourt likes to be known as a fairy tale revisionist. Guess he's also a vampire tale revisionist because now Dracula is going 'green.'"

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art Photo Of The Day: Museum Watching

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art Photo Of The Day: Museum Watching

The Social Poets: Funny Late Nite Jokes Roundup: Government Shutdown

The "Eagle's Nest", with its many re...Image via Wikipedia

The Social Poets: Funny Late Nite Jokes Roundup: Government Shutdown: "For the moment the government shutdown was averted - until the next time. The coming battle for political supremacy will be fighting over raising the debt ceiling. Without it, the country is basically screwed for mortgage loans, small business loans: life."

Monday, April 11, 2011

Funny Video: Fat Cat Slouches Couch Potato Style, Watches Russian TV

This is my silly cat Leo in the process of turning over while sound asleep, flying high in the air - Photo by Denny Lyon, All Rights Reserved

From Denny: This cat must be paying off some bad karma from some life time when he was naughty and was not allowed to reincarnate as a higher form of life, a human being. So, he comes back as a cat, a really fat cat. And a really fat cat that likes to hang out on the couch and watch TV.

All this guy needs is a Lazy Boy recliner, a beer in one hand and a TV remote in the other and he will fit in nicely here in any American home. Check out what looks like an English shor thair cat who prefers to sit upright with the resulting fat belly slouch to watch his favorite programs.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Videos: Jon Stewart Mocks Glenn Beck FOX News Departure

Glenn Beck by Gage SkidmoreGlenn Beck - Image via Wikipedia

The Social Poets: Funny Videos: Jon Stewart Mocks Glenn Beck FOX News Departure: "Did any of us think the long rambling weird reign of foul-mouthed Glenn Beck would ever stop? Well, even FOX News has had enough and told him last week his show was canceled. He will depart the end of the year when his contract ends. Well, it never was real news, just imagined news.

For months comics have lampooned Beck's messianic Hitler style attitude and declarations. Well, even Beck's fans began to evaporate. Turns out in January his fan base began dwindling. Originally, at the height of his nightly viewership was clocked at about three million."

Dennys Global Politics: Libya: African Union Tries Brokering Cease Fire With Gadafi, Cartoons

DAVOS/SWITZERLAND, 27JAN10 - Jacob G. Zuma, Pr...President Jacob Zuma - Image via Wikipedia

Dennys Global Politics: Libya: African Union Tries Brokering Cease Fire With Gadafi, Cartoons: "Talks are in session with Gadafi and the rebels about a cease fire, brokered by the African Union and South African President Jacob Zuma. The hope is to end air strikes as well.

Read that as giving Gadafi cover for some time to either weasel out of the country or get his bearings back from so much bombing. After all, he wrote President Obama, like some affectionate pen pal, begging him to end the American air strikes as we worked to create the No-Fly Zone by eliminating most of Gadafi's air capability."

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Soul Calendar: Funny Crazy Technology and Social Media Cartoons

LAS VEGAS - JANUARY 07: A CES attendee takes ...Chevy Volt Image by Getty Images via @daylife

The Soul Calendar: Funny Crazy Technology and Social Media Cartoons: "Check out the silly funnies I found this week!

So, let us begin at the beginning when man first invented technology. OK, man has not changed much in several thousand years. He still loves his wheels to look good for the babes in the neighborhood..."

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Social Poets: Government Shutdown and Cartoons: Courtesy of Tea Party and GOP

Boehner And CantorGOP Cantor, left, GOP Speaker Boehner, right - Image by TalkMediaNews via Flickr
The Social Poets: Government Shutdown and Cartoons: Courtesy of Tea Party and GOP: "This budget mess is a dark farce, courtesy of the Republicans and their inbred political cousins, the Tea Party. The GOP hates women and they hate giving federal funding for women's health care.

Millions of women depend upon that funding in Title 10 which provides reproductive and preventative care. Since it is mainly low-income women who are the beneficiary of these funds, Republicans don't care. After all, low-income people are not their voting demographic. Nor have they ever done anything for women either.

The whole process is disingenuous. To get the $100 billion the Tea Party demands, it's obvious: all you have to do is stop these idiot wars in Afghanistan and Iraq where we spend billions per month. And now our heavy involvement in Libya is equally expensive - to the tune of $1 million per Tomahawk missile fired to enforce the No-Fly Zone.

Want more easy cuts? Try the $1 billion 'tax cuts' for the wealthy that President Obama gave away far too easily, especially when 70 percent of the entire country said they did not want the rich to get tax cuts. He foolishly did it anyway. And now, here we are months later, with all of Congress and the President looking stupid in this budget fight."

Thursday, April 7, 2011

7 Funny Cartoons: Change Is Good

Lady GaGa concertLady Gaga Image via Wikipedia

From Denny:  Take a short holiday trip through some funny cartoon minds to pick you up at the end of your work week.  There is a cartoon for every size and taste.  Musician?  Check.  Sports fan.  Check.  Fitness buff.  Check.  Foodie.  Double Hot Fudge Sundae Check.  Comic book fan, er, graphic novel.  Yep.  Fashionistas. That too.  And not to be missed is the Louisiana Gator cartoon, totally twisted thinking if I say so myself.  

Visual Insights: Music Video: Lighted Up By Gabriel Mann

Gabe MannImage by Paul Schreiber via Flickr
Visual Insights: Music Video: Lighted Up By Gabriel Mann: "Nothing like young love or new love - and hey! it's Spring time!  And I have all the pollen storms in the air to prove it! :)
Interesting the male actor here is now in a hit TV show called 'The Good Wife.'
Enjoy this little movie clip put to this great song while you contemplate cruising into your weekend..."

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Social Poets: Wisconsin: Voters Slap Down GOP, Female Dark Horse Wins State Supreme Court Seat

The Social Poets: Wisconsin: Voters Slap Down GOP, Female Dark Horse Wins State Supreme Court Seat: "An obscure election got the royal treatment from activists and voters. Voters so hated Gov. Scott Walker's controversial anti-union initiatives they came out in droves to defeat a GOP incumbent for the Wisconsin Supreme Court. The surprise dark horse vote came for Democrat unknown JoAnne Kloppenburg, down by an astounding 30 points right before the election. She is a state attorney general with support from several unions.

Election officials tallied her win at a razor thin 235 votes over the GOP incumbent of 12 years, Justice David Prosser, who is known to be sympathetic toward Gov. Walker's policies.  Prosser had come out of his primary with a 55 percent vote win.  Kloppenburg was second of four candidates with only 28 percent of that primary vote.  Prosser was expected to experience an easy runaway win - that fizzled because of unusually high voter turnout."

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Social Poets: The Lurching American Economy, Political Cartoons

South façade of the White House, the executive...Image via Wikipedia

The Social Poets: The Lurching American Economy, Political Cartoons: "The world economy is a mess and about to get messier with Japan in distress from their latest earthquake, tsunami, nuclear disaster trifecta. Well, the good news is that we are all in the same boat, trying to swim the same polluted economic waters. It would help if our governments gave us accurate numbers and quit massaging them to please the financial markets.

The unemployment here in America is supposed to be at 8.8 percent. What a joke. There are millions of people who gave up looking. Those known as The 99ers, whose unemployment benefits ended after 99 weeks, have been unemployed for years now.  Even President Obama says there are hundreds of thousands of people who will never get a job again.  What kind of statement is that from a president?  Not everyone deserves a job in this country?"

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Funny Cartoon From Raymond Betancourt: Where Parenting and Sports Collide

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Funny Cartoon From Raymond Betancourt: Where Parenting and Sports Collide

First reconstruction of Neanderthal manImage via Wikipedia

From Denny: This cartoon made me laugh today. Talk about inspired thinking when it comes to parenting, well, at least from The Neanderthal Corner... Sounds like an innovation might husband might try. (check below for cartoon image)

Friday, April 1, 2011

The Social Poets: 12 Best of The Web Funny April Fools Day: Pranked, Spoofed and Trashed

The Social Poets: 12 Best of The Web Funny April Fools Day: Pranked, Spoofed and Trashed: "There are those among us - of a cheeky bent - who look forward to this one day a year when people forgive us for pranking them. Today the web was full of April Fool's Day fun from every angle, a real bumper crop of craziness!

1 - First up: Google leads the fun with their prank about their new feature of 'motion-controlled' email. After all, typing on a keyboard is 'so last century,' right? And Google says it's also 'outdated' and 'inefficient.'

'To open a message make a movement as if you were opening an envelope. To reply, simply point backward with your thumb,' Google says in a video demonstration. More instructions? 'To reply all, use both hands. To send a message, lick a stamp and place it down.'

Well, you too can look like a complete fool by believing this satire and standing up in your office cubicle on Freaky Friday and get elected Fool Of The Day by using various body language to instruct your computer. It's like using cat body language to write an email. Hey, whatever floats your boat."

Dennys Art Sanctuary: 35 Stunning April Wallpapers

Dennys Art Sanctuary: 35 Stunning April Wallpapers: "OK, I found all my favorites for the month of April out there in Wallpaper Land and posted them here for you. These are mainly desktop wallpapers, available without the calendars and in various sizes. Don't worry about the screen shot if it has a year on it as there are those images available without a specific date. All of these images were vetted to avoid that frustration. There are some wallpapers available for smaller technology than a desktop and there are links to the designers' sites. These beauties were found in the 'basement archives' of Smashing Magazine. Enjoy!"

The Social Poets: Funny April Fools Day - Cheeky Quote Day

The Social Poets: Funny April Fools Day - Cheeky Quote Day 31 Mar 2010: "Just how old is the April Fools Day custom? Back in the 1500's, about 1582 in France, the day began as a way to ridicule stodgy people who were too stubborn to change with the times. Spring time is the season of change and cultures have always honored it. What funnier way to honor the concept of change in our lives than to play an April Fool's Day joke on someone? Tell yourself to be a good sport if you find yourself on the other side of that practical joke. The whole point of the day is to learn how to laugh at yourself because that is a sure sign that you are no fool. Ah, the road to wisdom... :)"
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Moderately Confused


  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift


  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977


  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.


  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian