Monday, November 30, 2009

Funny Friendship Quotes



Crazy little poster from StumbleUpon...


From Denny: Backing up all those list categories on this blog since Blogger doesn't back up anything on your sidebar or other areas of your blog. All they backup are your posts! Get busy fellow bloggers... :)

Quotes

* I've always said that in politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you. - Anne Richards, former Texas Governor

* You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence J. Peter

* Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces. - Anne Murrow Lindbergh

* You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. - President Harry S. Truman

* There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. - Benjamin Franklin

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Funny Ironic Humor Quotes



Always end your day on a positive note...

From Denny: Since I just found out that Blogger only backs up posts and not the links in the sidebar or anything else on the blog... figured it was a great idea to put all my quotes lists into category posts. The blog should load faster too as it will reduce the number of links on the sidebar. Have fun grinning!

Quotes

* The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable. - Paul Dean

* I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! - Tom Lehrer

* The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

* Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin, American comedian

* To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself. - Albert Einstein, math wiz, “ya think?”

* Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. - Bill Cosby, American comedian

* In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country of America, capitalism triumphed over democracy. - Fran Lebowitz

* Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz

* Polite conversation is rarely either. - Fran Lebowitz

* Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. - Fran Lebowitz



*** For more laughs make sure you visit my other blog, The Social Poets, for late night show quips, jokes and funny videos all in one Roundup of Sunday Funnies post every Monday. Cheeky Quote Day is on Wednesdays and Editorial Cartoons Roundup on Saturdays.

*** Check out my other humor blog, Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd, where I park whatever I find while cruising the web, a variety of goodies!

*** To keep you laughing and arm you with some interesting trivia check out 25 Weird Coffee Trivia to Astound and Amuse You! Funny coffee related photos too, enjoy!



*** Thanks for visiting!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Funny Crazy Cat Quotes



From Denny: Since I just found out that Blogger only backs up posts and not the links in the sidebar or anything else on the blog... figured it was a great idea to put all my quotes lists into category posts. The blog should load faster too as it will reduce the number of links on the sidebar. Have fun grinning with the antics of these cats and their peeps! :)

Quotes

* A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings. - William Ralph Inge

* A cat determined not to be found can fold itself up like a pocket handkerchief if it wants to. - Louis J. Camuti

* A cat is a lion in a jungle of small bushes. - Indian Proverb

* A cat is a tiger that is fed by hand. - Proverb

* A cat is an example of sophistication minus civilization. - Anonymous

* A cat isn't fussy - just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor. - Arthur Bridges

* A cat pours his body on the floor like water. - William Lyon Phelps

* A cat's got her own opinion of human beings. She don't say much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the whole of it. - Jerome K. Jerome

* A catless writer is almost inconceivable. It's a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys. - Barbara Holland

* A dog, I have always said, is prose; a cat is a poem. - Jean Burden

* A kitten is the most irresistible comedian in the world. Its wide-open eyes gleam with wonder and mirth. It darts madly at nothing at all, and then, as though suddenly checked in the pursuit, prances sideways on its hind legs with ridiculous agility and zeal. - Agnes Repplier

* A meow massages the heart. - Stuart McMillan

* After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference. - Charlotte Gray

* Although all cat games have their rules and rituals, these vary with the individual player. The cat, of course, never breaks a rule. If it does not follow precedent, that simply means it has created a new rule and it is up to you to learn it quickly if you want the game to continue. - Sidney Denham

* An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old. - Carl Van Vechten

* As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. - Ellen Perry Berkeley

* Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons. - Robertson Davies

* By and large, people who enjoy teaching animals to roll over will find themselves happier with a dog. - Barbara Holland (my cats roll over for me anyway!)





* Cat lovers can readily be identified. Their clothes always look old and well used. Their sheets look like bath towels and their bath towels look like a collection of knitting mistakes. - Eric Gurney

* Cats are dangerous companions for writers because cat watching is a near-perfect method of writing avoidance. - Dan Greenburg

* Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. - Garrison Keillor

* Cats are notoriously sore losers. Coming in second best, especially to someone as poorly coordinated as a human being, grates their sensibility. - Stephen Baker

* Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. - Joseph Wood Krutch

* Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

* Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish. - James Gorman

* Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people (expensive girlfriends, for instance) that it's often hard to tell the people and the cats apart. - P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners

* Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible. - Roger Caras

* Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience. - Pam Brown

* Cats come and go without ever leaving. - Martha Curtis





* Cats do care. For example they know instinctively what time we have to be at work in the morning and they wake us up twenty minutes before the alarm goes off. - Michael Nelson

* Cats have an infallible understanding of total concentration - and get between you and it. - Arthur Bridges

* Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch

* Cats were put into the world to disprove the dogma that all things were created to serve man. - Paul Gray

* Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein

* Does the father figure in your cat's life ever clean the litter box? My husband claims that men lack the scooping gene. - Barbara L. Diamond

* Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. - Mary Bly

* Dogs eat. Cats dine. - Ann Taylor

* Dogs have owners, cats have staff. - Anonymous

* Even overweight, cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses. - John Weitz

* Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner. - Gary Smith

* God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure of caressing the lion. - Fernand Mery

* He swings from the chandelier, he paws my peanut butter, and he knocks over my drink in the most unfortunate places in the house - but I still love him like crazy. It's like a hairball in my heart. - Audra Foveo-Alba

* I don't think it is so much the actual bath that most cats dislike; I think it's the fact that they have to spend a good part of the day putting their hair back in place. - Debbie Peterson





* I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that. - Steve Martin

* I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. - Bill Dana

* I have noticed that what cats most appreciate in a human being is not the ability to produce food which they take for granted, but his or her entertainment value. - Anonymous

* I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine

* I named my kitten Rose - fur soft as a petal, claws sharper than thorns. - Astrid Alauda

* I put down my book, The Meaning of Zen, and see the cat smiling into her fur as she delicately combs it with her rough pink tongue. "Cat, I would lend you this book to study but it appears you have already read it." She looks up and gives me her full gaze. "Don't be ridiculous," she purrs, "I wrote it." - Dilys Laing, "Miao"

* I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat. - Edgar Allan Poe

* If a dog jumps into your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. - Alfred North Whitehead

* If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. - Mark Twain

* If cats could talk, they wouldn't. - Nan Porter

* If I tried to tell you how much I love my cats, you wouldn't believe me - unless your heart is also meow-shaped and covered in stray fur. - Lexie Saige

* If only cats grew into kittens. - R. Stern





* If purring could be encapsulated, it'd be the most powerful anti-depressant on the pharmaceutical market. - Alexis F. Hope

* If the claws didn't retract, cats would be like Velcro. - Bruce Fogle

* If there were to be a universal sound depicting peace, I would surely vote for the purr. - Barbara L. Diamond

If we treated everyone we meet with the same affection we bestow upon our favorite cat, they, too, would purr. - Martin Buxbaum

* Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. - Mark Twain

* In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. - Terry Pratchett

* In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce

* In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. - Warren Eckstein

* It doesn't do to be sentimental about cats; the best ones don't respect you for it. - Susan Howatch

* It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens. - Cynthia E. Varnado

* It's really the cat's house - we just pay the mortgage. - Anonymous

* Kittens are angels with whiskers. - Anonymous

* Kittens can happen to anyone. - Paul Gallico

* Meow is like aloha - it can mean anything. - Hank Ketchum

* Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner. - Stephen Baker

* Most cats do not approach humans recklessly. The possibility of concealed weapons, clods or sticks, tend to make them reserved. Homeless cats in particular - with some justification, unfortunately - consider humans their natural enemies. Much ceremony must be observed, and a number of diplomatic feelers put out, before establishing a state of truce. - Lloyd Alexander

* Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously. - Louis J. Camuti

* My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes. - Understandably Anonymous

* No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch. - Leo Dworken

* Of all the toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled, and it makes a sound when you jump on it. - Stephen Baker

* One cat just leads to another. - Ernest Hemingway

* One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it's affection, the taste, or a trial run for the jugular. - Helen Thomson





Cheating: It hurts everyone!

* One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. - Mark Twain

* People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick

* Psychologists now recognize that the need in some people to have a dozen cats is really a sublimated desire to have two dozen cats. - Robert Brault

* Purring would seem to be, in her case, an automatic safety valve device for dealing with happiness overflow.- Monica Edwards

* She clawed her way into my heart and wouldn't let go. - Missy Altijd

* Some people have cats and go on to lead normal lives. - Anonymous

* Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat. - Lillian Johnson

* Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. - Missy Dizick

* Sometimes he curls up on my pillow during the night and I don't know he's there until I yawn and my mouth closes on a whisker. - Astrid Alauda

* The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. - Doug Larson

* The cat does not offer services. The cat offers itself. Of course he wants care and shelter. You don't buy love for nothing. Like all pure creatures, cats are practical. - William S. Burroughs

* The cat has too much spirit to have no heart. - Ernest Menaul

* The cat is above all things, a dramatist. - Margaret Benson

* The cat is the animal to whom the Creator gave the biggest eye, the softest fur, the most supremely delicate nostrils, a mobile ear, an unrivaled paw and a curved claw borrowed from the rose-tree. - Colette





* The cat is the only animal without visible means of support who still manages to find a living in the city. - Carl van Vechten

* The cat seldom interferes with other people's rights. His intelligence keeps him from doing many of the fool things that complicate life. - Carl Van Vechten

* The cat was created when the lion sneezed. - Arabian Proverb

* The city of cats and the city of men exist one inside the other, but they are not the same city. - Italo Calvino

* The domestic cat seems to have greater confidence in itself than in anyone else. - Lawrence N. Johnson
The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way. - Mark Twain

* The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer. - Paula Poundstone, comic

* The smallest feline is a masterpiece. - Leonardo da Vinci (talk about coming highly recommended!)

* The smart cat doesn't let on that he is. - H.G. Frommer

* The sun rose slowly, like a fiery furball coughed up uneasily onto a sky-blue carpet by a giant unseen cat. - Michael McGarel
The way to keep a cat is to try to chase it away. - E.W. Howe

* There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous

* There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person. - Dan Greenberg

* There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. - Wesley Bates

* To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction - and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. - Stephen Baker

* To err is human, to purr is feline. - Robert Byrne

* Too Many Cats? All your windowsills are occupied. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? Even your coffee table has a slip cover. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? Every year you get a personally autographed Christmas card from Morris. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? Flea collars smell good to you. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? For Mothers Day last year the kids pooled their money and bought you an electric cat brush. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? More than half your mail comes from Purina and Friskies. - Kathie Freeman





* Too Many Cats? The most important crop in your garden every year is catnip. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? You actually understand what your cats are saying. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? You and your spouse are sleeping on the floor because there's no more room in the bed. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? You have to change the vacuum cleaner bags every week. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? Your annual cat food bill is more than the combined Gross National Product of Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? Your cat door has been replaced three times. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? Your last three cats are named Puss, Kitty-cat, and Hey You. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? Your neighbors forget your last name and start referring to you as "you know, the cat people." - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? The cleaning lady at the vet's office calls you by your first name. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? You can't remember what a house plant looks like. - Kathie Freeman

* Too Many Cats? You're running out of corners to put litter boxes in. - Kathie Freeman

* Way down deep, we're all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them. - Jim Davis

* We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. - Mark Twain

* When a cat speaks, it's because it has something to say, unlike humans who are the great refuse containers of speech. - V.L. Allineare

* Women, poets, and especially artists, like cats; delicate natures only can realize their sensitive systems. - Helen M. Winslow

* You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals. - George Mikes
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.

* You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. - Proverb

* You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table. - Denny Lyon

* Your cat may never have to hunt farther than the kitchen counter for its supper nor face a predator more fierce than the vacuum cleaner. - Barbara L. Diamond

* Your cat will never threaten your popularity by barking at three in the morning. He won't attack the mailman or eat the drapes, although he may climb the drapes to see how the room looks from the ceiling. - Helen Powers


Related Articles


Cat Philospher: Curty Talks About Temptation (dennysfunnyquotes.blogspot.com)

Cat Philosopher: Curty Talks About Friendship (dennysfunnyquotes.blogspot.com)



*** All these crazy photos found littered on the internet alley, many from the scavanged trash cans of my fun irreverant StumbleUpon friends...





*** For more laughs make sure you visit my other blog, The Social Poets, for late night show quips, jokes and funny videos all in one Roundup of Sunday Funnies post every Monday. Cheeky Quote Day is on Wednesdays and Editorial Cartoons Roundup on Saturdays.

*** Check out my other humor blog - Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd - where I park whatever I find while cruising the web, a variety of goodies!

*** To keep you laughing and arm you with some interesting trivia check out 25 Weird Coffee Trivia to Astound and Amuse You! Funny coffee related photos too, enjoy!



*** THANKS for visiting and come back often for a silly grin of the day!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Funny Quotes About Quotations



From Denny: Since I just found out that Blogger only backs up posts and not the links in the sidebar or anything else on the blog... figured it was a great idea to put all my quotes lists into category posts. The blog should load faster too as it will reduce the number of links on the sidebar. Have fun chuckling!

Quotes


* A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a witty person, but a pebble in the hands of a fool. - Anonymous

* A good aphorism is too hard for the tooth of time, and is not worn away with the centuries, although it serves as food for every speech. - Friedrich Nietzsche

* A proper collection of quotations is the whole world digested. - Emma Racine deFleur

* A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. - Miguel de Cervantes

* A proverb is the wisdom of many and the wit of one. - Lord John Russell

* All maxims have their antagonist maxims; proverbs should be sold in pairs, a single one being but a half truth. - William Mathews

* An aphorism is never exactly true. It is either a half-truth or a truth and a half. - Karl Kraus, Sprüche und Widersprüche, 1909

* An epigram is only a wisecrack that's played Carnegie Hall. - Oscar Levant

* Aphorism, n.: Predigested wisdom. - Ambrose Bierce

* Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - James Alexander Thom

* Collecting quotations is an insidious, even embarrassing habit, like ragpicking or hoarding rocks or trying on other people's laundry. I got into it originally while trying to break an addiction to candy. I kicked candy and now seem to be stuck with quotations, which are attacking my brain instead of my teeth. - Robert Byrne, The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, "Sources, References, and Notes," 1984

* Epigram and truth are rarely commensurate. Truth has to get somewhat chiseled, as it were, before it will fit into an epigram. - Joseph Farrell

* Epigrams succeed where epics fail. - Anonymous

* I am fully conscious of the fact, that aphorisms are like wandering Gypsies. They must always be published without guarantee of the authenticity. - Erkki Melartin

* I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damned things. - Dorothy Parker

* I swim across a sea of quotes, splashing in the words and riding the waves of wisdom. - T. Guillemets

* It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. - Mark Twain, Following the Equator

* It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. - Franklin P. Jones

* It's such a pleasure to write down splendid words - almost as though one were inventing them. - Rupert Hart-Davis



* Laying in bed this morning contemplating how amazing it would be if somehow Oscar Wilde and Mae West could twitter from the grave... - Dita Von Teese

* Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. - Hesketh Pearson

* Most collectors collect tangibles. As a quotation collector, I collect wisdom, life, invisible beauty, souls alive in ink. - T. Guillemets

* One has to secrete a jelly in which to slip quotations down people's throats and one always secretes too much jelly. - Virginia Woolf

* People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. - David H. Comins

* Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. - H.L. Mencken

* Proverbs are mental gems gathered in the diamond districts of the mind. - William R. Alger

* Proverbs often contradict one another, as any reader soon discovers. The sagacity that advises us to look before we leap promptly warns us that if we hesitate we are lost; that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind. - Leo Rosten

* Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired. - Richard Kemph

* Somewhere in the world there is an epigram for every dilemma. - Hendrik Willem van Loon

* The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. - Somerset Maugham

* The quoting of an aphorism, like the angry barking of a dog or the smell of overcooked broccoli, rarely indicates that something helpful is about to happen. - Lemony Snicket

* To me, novels are just quotations with a bunch of filler. - T. Guillemets

* What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense. - Mark Twain

* What is all wisdom save a collection of platitudes? Take fifty of our current proverbial sayings - they are so trite, so threadbare, that we can hardly bring our lips to utter them. Nonetheless they embody the concentrated experience of the human race. - Norman Douglas

* When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it. - Anatole France

*** Thanks for visiting! Make sure to pay a visit to my other humor blog, Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd too!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

5 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes, Photos



Trash-talking turkeys just passing the time until someone took them seriously... Photo by stevevoght @ flickr from another of my funny posts: 21 Funny Thanksgiving Fighting Turkey Photos

From Denny: I found some hilarious Thanksgiving Day quotes along with a few smart jokes and LOL holiday poems for this week's Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets blog. Click on the links below for the full post of funnies and the Obama Turkey Pardon Preparation Video. Here's a sampling taste to get you started on your holiday grinning, enjoy!

Quotes

* If you count all your assets, you always show a profit. ~ Robert Quillen

* Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt. - Roseanne Barr

* It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with 'gourmet' status. - Russell Baker

* Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~ Michael Dresser

* I love Thanksgiving turkey. It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. ~ Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

*** For more funny holiday quotes, holiday jokes and hilarious poems, the Obama funny video about his first act of turkey pardoning (wonder if it's name is Cheney???) and great holiday recipe links, check out The Social Poets and Cheeky Quote Day, go here.

*** Thanks for visiting and come back often for a grin! :)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Geeky Girl Gone Wild: Happy Thanksgiving Dance!

From Denny: From our girl iJustine... note in the background how everyone just quietly walks away from view or outright ignores her antics. :) I don't which is more amusing - her silly dance or the non-reaction to it.

Definitely a case of what happens when a geeky girl has gone over her limit on her coffee consumption of the day. What stupid things caffeine can make you do. Someone put this girl in coffee rehab! Take a look:

Monday, November 23, 2009

Funny Conan OBrien Quotes



Photo by TimWilson @ flickr

From Denny: Since I just found out that Blogger only backs up posts and not the links in the sidebar or anything else on the blog... figured it was a great idea to put all my quotes lists into category posts. The blog should load faster too as it will reduce the number of links on the sidebar. Have fun grinning at Conan!

Quotes

* A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

* Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

* Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

* Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.

* CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'

* During an NBC news special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy Bo could do. In fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money.

* Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
Earlier tonight at the White House, President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House.

* Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
Experts say it could take 80 days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans (after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city). When President Bush heard this he said, '80 days, that's half a vacation.'

* Here's some news: Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he’s determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors.

* Howard Dean will win the Democratic presidential nomination proving that in national politics a white Protestant man can prevail against a black man, a Jew, and a creepy elf.
If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

* In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.

* In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

* Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.

* Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'
New research in geometry will result in the renaming of several familiar shapes. New Year's Eve in New York will be celebrated in Times Oval, and teenage boys everywhere will participate in rhombus jerks.

* Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

* Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'

* President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

* President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.
President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan to senior citizens, and yesterday at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not “pull the plug on grandma.” There was an awkward moment when grandpa stood up and booed.

* Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John Kerry. The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.

* Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

* Scientists announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, "I can't afford those kind of phone bills."

* Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

* Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.

* Speaking of President Obama, a new book claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage where their relationship was somewhat frosty. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I’d kill for 'somewhat frosty.'”

* Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

* The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

* The Jerry Springer Hotel Porno tape is finally released, and the public learns a horrible truth: Jerry can only climax while being hit over the head with a chair.

* The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you, "Why didn't you do that on television?

* The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'

* This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

* This is a huge night in my life... I cannot tell you how proud I am to be the Emmys' first Catholic host.

* Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.

* Webster's Dictionary will replace the term orgasm with the more accurate 'I-hope-she-doesn't-know-I'm-thinking-about-her-friend-gasm.'

* Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.

* Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?

* Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

*** Thanks for visiting and come back often for a grin! :)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Funny Inspirational Quotes



Photo by TimWilson @ flickr

From Denny: Since I just found out that Blogger only backs up posts and not the links in the sidebar or anything else on the blog... figured it was a great idea to put all my quotes lists into category posts. The blog should load faster too as it will reduce the number of links on the sidebar. Have fun grinning! :)

Quotes

* When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. - Alexander Graham Bell

* When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap! - Cynthia Heimel

* When in charge ponder. When in trouble delegate. When in doubt mumble. - Anonymous

* When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. - P. J. O'Rourke

* When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. - Mark Twain

* I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb

* I am realistic - I expect miracles. - Wayne Dyer

* I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

* I am definitely going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule. - Louis E. Boone

* Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns, comic

* Habit is second nature, or rather, ten times nature. - William James

* Friendship with one's self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. - Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady

* For fast acting relief try slowing down. - Lily Tomlin, comic

* For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. - Bob Wells

*** Thanks for visiting and come back often for a grin! :)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Rounding Up Lampooning Editorial Cartoons 21 Nov 2009



From Denny: Every Saturday I round up the best editorial cartoons of the week. They sure do lampoon the latest news! This week women have been up in arms angry at new health care guidelines which sounded really lame. There is the controversy over bringing Gitmo terrorists onto American soil to hang 'em in the New York courts just blocks away from the still destroyed Twin Towers area. Comments about Prez Obama's trips to Japan and China, too much bowing and nice-nice for most cartoonists apparently. Plenty of cartoonists lampooning Congress about health care.

Be sure to check out the funny video of Comedy Central's Jon Stewart lampooning the Palin book tour and the GOP in general. There are real news headline links to check out about the book tour farce and how Palin has already stiffed her fans, leaving them hanging literally out in the cold for hours in the rain in Indiana. They were not happy campers at all. Well, that's what you get when your hero is a fantasy: reality face slaps.

So, hike on over to The Social Poets where I park those cartoons every week and enjoy yourself today! BTW, thanks, everyone for visiting. You have been coming by the thousands, quite the unexpected turnout for my comedy parties, thank you! I'll make sure I order more appetizers for my hungry hordes... :)

This Weeks Editorial Cartoons 21 Nov 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Cool Video: Literally Dancing on The Piano to Play the Song

From Denny: Move over 50's rocker Jerry Lee Lewis... OK, now I want one for Christmas! This looks like too much fun!


The Piano - Watch today’s top amazing videos here

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Funny Jay Leno Quotes



Photo by TimWilson @ flickr

From Denny: Since I just found out that Blogger only backs up posts and not the links in the sidebar or anything else on the blog... figured it was a great idea to put all my quotes lists into category posts. The blog should load faster too as it will reduce the number of links on the sidebar. Have fun grinning at Jay Leno! :)

Quotes

* A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

* A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig`s brain to a man`s brain -- and the man`s brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.

* A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on a shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!

* A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That`s because they are usually dead by age 40.

* According to a new geographic literacy study 4 out of 10 American students couldn't find Iraq on a map. However 10 out of 10 Mexicans could find the U.S. without a map.

* According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair.

* Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

* And since I currently live in Louisiana and everyone here was shocked at the idiot Justice of the Peace who stupidly refused to marry an interracial couple, we really enjoyed this quip: Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar.

* Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

* Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'

* Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.

* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

* Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people they're just acquaintances.

* Here's something to think about How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery.'

* Hey, some good news for Rush. The Oakland Raiders are offering to give him the team for free.

* How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

* I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It`s for people who don`t like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those...it`s called a window.

* If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong president. (George Bush was in office, not Bill Clinton.)

* In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, `Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea!’
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?

* Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

* President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.

* President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

* The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code” - they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

* The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

* The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.

* There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'

* This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

* Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

* Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.’

* What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

* You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

* You're not famous - until my mother has heard of you.

*** Thanks for visiting and come back often for a grin! :)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

7 Funny Quotes About Reading Habits



Reading Upside Down Photo by garryknight @ flickr

From Denny: Today, and every Wednesday, is Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets, one of my many blogs where I dance on the airwaves. Here's a sampling of what's going on today:

Quotes

* A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
and nobody wants to read. ~ Mark Twain ~

* Never lend books, for no one ever returns them;
the only books I have in my library are books
that other folks have left me. ~ Anatole France ~

* I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. ~ Aneurin Bevan ~

* Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore? ~ Henry Ward Beecher ~

* Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
~ Groucho Marx ~

* Books are the blessed chloroform of the mind. ~ Robert Chambers ~

* Never judge a book by its movie.
~ J. W. Eagan ~


*** To read a bonanza of funny quotes like this, hike on over to The Social Poets for Cheeky Quote Day to get some more grins, go here.

*** Thanks for visiting and come back often! :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Catch Up on This Weeks 51 Posts At Dennys Blogs 17 Nov 2009



From Denny: After a year of blogging, I turned around and suddenly realized I've been producing a lot of content. Nor am I silly enough to think you check in every day with every blog. :) So, in case you missed anything this week, here's a menu of various posts all in one place for an easy read - and bookmark - so you can read when you feel like it:

From The Social Poets:

Roundup of Sunday Funnies 16 Nov 2009

Life Advice Poem by Rudyard Kipling

This Weeks Editorial Cartoons 14 Nov 2009

Reflections of That Moment - Libations Friday! 13 Nov 2009

5 Powerful Soul Affirmations, Soul Journey Poem

Funny Money Advice - Cheeky Quote Day! 11 Nov 2009

Musicians Are Territorial Animals, Funny Post by David Thomas

Roundup of Late Night Funnies, Cartoons 9 Nov 2009

From the funny posts at Dennys Funny Quotes and Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd:


From Dennys Funny Quotes:

Funny Secret to Longevity Photo and Story

10 Funny Love Quotes, Funny Cat Photo

Funny Money Advice, Cheeky Quote Day at The Social Poets

Video: Weirdest American Gluttony Foods

3 Paradoxically Funny Head Scratching Quotes

Awww, 7 Funny Dog Photos to Make You Laugh

What's stupidly popular at Dennys Funny Quotes these days:

42 Monday Morning Funny Coffee Quotes, Coffee Cartoon

25 Weird Coffee Trivia to Astound and Amuse You

10 Funny Work Quotes for Monday Morning

5 Monday Morning Posts to Get You Laughing!

From Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd:

9 Funny Socially Inappropriate Store Signs - what gets lost in translation from Chinese or Japanese into English, some really tacky ones!

Ouch! Best Love Story in Three Pictures: Prez Bush and Sec Condi Rice - a bit silly.

Outrageous Video: Overview of World Censorship on the Web - serious look at how content is heavily censored and in which countries, interesting overview.

First Lady Michelle Obama on Leno Show - how the Obamas don't take themselves too seriously.

Odd News Video: Liquor Warehouse Implodes in Russia

Weird News: Man in Breathalizer Costume Arrested by Police

10 Outrageous Glenn Beck Quotes That Prove Insanity

From the food blogs, Romancing The Chocolate and Comfort Food From Louisiana:

From Romancing The Chocolate:

Savory Chocolate Recipe: Mini Hamburger Sliders with Sauce

Chocolate Trivia from Horror Director Hitchcock

Video: Cool Food Gifts for the Holidays, Southern Sweet Chocolate Coconut Pie Recipe

3 Quick Awesome Chocolate Recipes for the Holidays

Chocolate Trivia - Who Are the Biggest Chocolate Gluttons on the Planet?

Warm Chocolate Pudding Cake

From Comfort Food From Louisiana:

Video and Recipes: Holiday Challah and Ciabatta Stuffings, Vegetarian and Sausage

Cajun Joke: Boat For Sale by Beaudreaux and Thibodeaux

Video and Recipes: 3 Fabulous New Orleans Sweets

Cajun Joke: Boudreaux and Thibodeaux Fix Destroyed New Orleans Levee

Video: Unbelievable, OK, Weird, Foods and Recipes

Cajun Joke: Boudreaux and Thibodeaux Play Golf

Video and Recipes: Lobster Grits Polenta, Turkey Andouille Sausage Grits Casserole

Coca-Cola Glazed Baby Back Ribs

From Beautiful Illustrated Quotations:


Life is a Gift!

Whats Your Attitude Toward Life?

Veterans Day Quote, Links to Memorial Poems, Peace Quotes

3 Wonderful Quotes About Joy

5 Powerful Soul Affirmations, Soul Journey Poem

How Do You Know If You Have a Weak Mind?

When Something Inside You Dies, Do You Know How to Renew Your Life?

Do You Sell Your Soul For Others Admiration?

From The Healing Waters:

Video: Tim McGraw Making a Difference

Video: Halle Berry Making a Difference for Battered Women

The Perfect Work Quote to Keep Your Head Straight on Monday Mornings

Video: Awareness, and Gibran Quote

*** Thanks for visiting and come back often! :)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Funny Cooking Quotes



Photo by TimWilson @ flickr

From Denny: Since I just found out that Blogger only backs up posts and not the links in the sidebar or anything else on the blog... figured it was a great idea to put all my quotes lists into category posts. The blog should load faster too as it will reduce the number of links on the sidebar. Have fun grinning at how some people cook! :)

Quotes

* A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it. - Katharine Whitehorn

* A good meal makes a man feel more charitable toward the world than any sermon. - Arthur Pendenys

* A hungry stomach seldoms scorns plain food. - Horace

* A smiling face is half the meal. - Latvian Proverb

* All you see, I owe to spaghetti. - Sophia Loren, actress

* Blow in its ear. - Johnny Carson on the best way to thaw out a frozen turkey

* Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. - Harriet Van Horne

* Cooking Rule... If at first you don't succeed, order pizza. - Anonymous

* Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. - The Anarchist Cookbook

* Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. - Anonymous

* Eating an artichoke is like getting to know someone really well. - Willi Hastings

* Even were a cook to cook a fly, he would keep the breast for himself. - Polish Proverb

* Fervet olla, vivit amicitia: While the pot boils, friendship endures. (Meaning the man who gives good dinners has plenty of friends). - Latin Proverb

* Fish, to taste right, must swim three times -- in water, in butter and in wine. - Polish Proverb

* Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Anonymous

* Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend. - Zenna Schaffer

* Give me books, French wine, fruit, fine weather and a little music played out of doors by somebody I do not know. - John Keats

* God sends meat and the devil sends cooks. - Thomas Deloney (1543-1600)

* He was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster. - James I Cheese--milk's leap towards immortality. - Clifton Fadiman

* Hunger finds no fault with the cooking. - Proverb

* Hunger is the best sauce in the world. - Cervantes

* Hungry men think the cook lazy. - Anonymous

* I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food. - Strange de Jim

* I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. - Katherine Cebrian

* I prefer my oysters fried; That way I know my oysters died. - Roy G. Blount, Jr.

* I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I'm going to buy some sugar.” - Steven Wright

* I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

* In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. - Jose Simon

* It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know someone's fingers have been all over it. - Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine

* Kissing don't last: cookery do. - George Meredith

* Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving. - Rosalind Russell

* Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. - Storm Jameson

* Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - Samuel Butler

* Mothers, food, love, and career: the four major guilt groups. - Cathy Guisewite

* My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with. - Oprah Winfrey

* My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

* My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henry Youngman

* Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy of The Muppets fame

* No man is lonely while eating spaghetti; it requires so much attention. – Robert Morley

* Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

* Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

* Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. - G. K. Chesterson (1874-1936)

* Recipe For Chili: Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. - Allan Shivers, former governor of Texas
Reminds me of my safari in Africa.

* Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. -W. C. Fields (1880-1946)

* Strange to see how a good dinner and feasting reconciles everybody. - Samuel Pepys

* The discovery of a new dish does more for the happiness of mankind than the discovery of a star. - Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

* The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. - Garrison Keillor

* The most dangerous food is wedding cake. - American proverb

* The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin

* The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

* The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. - George Miller

* The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it. - Andy Rooney
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly

* There is no sincerer love than the love of food. - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

* There is no such thing as a little garlic. - Anonymous

* There is no such thing as a pretty good omelette. - French Proverb

* There is such a buildup of crud in my oven there is only room to bake a single cupcake. - Phyllis Diller

* Vanity is the food of fools. - Anonymous

* What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. - Anonymous

* What is food to one man may be fierce poison to others. - Lucretius

* What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner

* When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag. - Russell Baker

* When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

* When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat. - Mark Twain

* When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Man invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. - Elayne Boolser

* Where there's smoke, there's toast. - Anonymous

* Without rice, even the cleverest housewife cannot cook. - Chinese Proverb

* You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. - Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

*** Thanks for visiting and come back often for a grin! :)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Funny Secret to Longevity Photo and Story



In case it's too blurry to read easily here's the text as some of it was chopped off on the page I found it:

Secret to Longevity

A passerby noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, " I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for a long happy life?"

The old lady replied, "I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day," she said. "Before I go to bed I smoke a nice big joint. After that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon every week, oh, and I eat only junk food. On the weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."

"That's absolutely amazing at your age!" declared the well impressed passerby. "Just how old are you?"

"Twenty-four."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

10 Funny Love Quotes, Funny Cat Photo



From Denny: Sometimes, my cats look like this. Sometimes my husband looks like this when he sees the store receipts... :) Seriously though, these were some amusing love quotes I ran across recently, enjoy!

Quotes

* I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen

* My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

* Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein

* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

* What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. - Pearl Bailey, blues singer from 1940's.

* Behind every successful man is a surprised woman! - Maryon Pearson

* I thought love was a game of chance, til I found out you was playing with loaded dice. - Anonymous

* Thinking of you is easy - I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache, that never goes away. - Brookie

* You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. - Henny Youngman

* Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. - Anonymous


*** Thanks for visiting and come back often!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Funny Money Advice, Cheeky Quote Day at The Social Poets



Money at hand by Don Hankin @ flickr

From Denny: It's Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets where I stash a lot of humor as well. Actually, TSP was the blog that started it all with the funny quotes posts! Then this blog spun off, guess it was a case of ROTFLOL...

As I researched just a few money quotes they struck me as, well, so odd they were funny. Guess I couldn’t help myself in the cheeky department, as an irreverent being and all. Then I ran across a cute quiz for odd words and phrases to entertain you too.

Here's a sampling of some of the oddest money advice quotes:

* Never invest in any idea you can't illustrate with a crayon. - Peter Lynch

* If the nation's economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions. - Arthur H. Motley

* Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells. - J. Paul Getty

* The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Frank Hubbard

* Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben

*** For the full post with more funnies and the quiz, Funny Money Advice - Cheeky Quote Day 11 Nov 2009, go here.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Video: Weirdest American Gluttony Foods

goodmorning divider

From Denny: These have got to be some of the most disgusting, too salty, too sugary, fatty, highest calorie, wonderful tasting recipes around. The author of the blog turned book, This Is Why You're Fat! gives you a sampling.

These are some crazy recipes! Try fried Coke - now how do you fry a liquid was my first thought? Then there are Bacon Cinnamon Rolls, McNugget-tinis (vodka and McDonald's chocolate milk shake with fried battered chicken nuggets only as a garnish, whew!), Mac 'n' Cheese layered into your meatloaf (which actually looks kinda pretty) and an Elvis Presley donut - peanut butter frosted and garnished with sliced bananas and slices of bacon on top. To qualify as "why you're fat" category a recipe has to be smothered in cheese, deep-fried or wrapped in bacon. There are a lot of bacon blogs out there, folks! And we wonder why America is fat! Wonder no more. :)



goodmorning divider

***** For the crazy recipes, Video: Unbelievable, OK, Weird, Foods and Recipes, I put them up on the Comfort Food From Louisiana blog today, go here.

Monday, November 9, 2009

3 Paradoxically Funny Head Scratching Quotes



former VP Dick Cheney as his true self...

From Denny: These are those head-scratching kind of quotes where you turn your head sideways and go, "Huh?!" and then break out laughing...

Quotes

* Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home. - Short Quotes by David Frost

* Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J. Peter

* After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager." - William S. Burroughs Famous Quotations

Friday, November 6, 2009

Awww, 7 Funny Dog Photos to Make You Laugh

From Denny: 7 funny dog photos to amuse and delight! I've been collecting these for a while this past year. Like so many things floating around on the worldwide web, many are without proper attribution to the photographer. If you happen to know about any of these images, shoot me an email: Denny Lyon - warriorspearl @ gmail.com. Glad to hear from you, thanks!

Photo courtesy of byme249 @ StumbleUpon - he collects a lot of funnies; check him out!



Ouch! From the socially inappropriate, and ironically true...



Photo by ano-cha @ flickr of Cocoa the dachsund clowning around.



Sunning Lab mocks by sticking his tongue out at the photographer. No attribution available on this one, if you know, shoot me an email.



I'm crazy for ya, baby! by inga @ flickr



Oh, the art of hiding out with my pet dog who is clueless...



Jack Russell terriers sleeping with their pet cheetah on the master's bed in South Africa - this came from a story from a UK newspaper.



*** Thanks for visiting and come back often! Keep laughing!
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This Week's Fav Cartoon

Moderately Confused

Genius

  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift

Advice

  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977

Children

  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

Relationships

  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, robertbrault.com ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian