From Denny: The one thing I enjoy about comedians so much, at least the really smart ones that don't rely totally on shock crass trash talk exclusively, is they really get a handle on social incongruities. Conan O'Brien is one of those talented comedians. While it's true no comedian can be funny all the time, every time, this guy sure hits it right the majority of the time. Take a look and enjoy!
Quotes
Conan on society and culture:
* Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
* Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
* A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
* Webster's Dictionary will replace the term orgasm with the more accurate 'I-hope-she-doesn't-know-I'm-thinking-about-her-friend-gasm.'
* Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
* Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.
* New research in geometry will result in the renaming of several familiar shapes. New Year's Eve in New York will be celebrated in Times Oval, and teenage boys everywhere will participate in rhombus jerks.
* Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
* In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
* In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
Conan on alcoholism:
* Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
* Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'
* If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.
Conan on politicians and politics:
* Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
* Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.
* Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
* President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.
* CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'
* Earlier tonight at the White House, President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House.
* Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.
* President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.
* Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John Kerry. The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.
* Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.
* The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.
* The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'
* President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan to senior citizens, and yesterday at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not “pull the plug on grandma.” There was an awkward moment when grandpa stood up and booed.
* During an NBC news special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy Bo could do. In fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money.
* Here's some news: Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he’s determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors.
* Speaking of President Obama, a new book claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage where their relationship was somewhat frosty. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I’d kill for 'somewhat frosty.'”
* Howard Dean will win the Democratic presidential nomination proving that in national politics a white Protestant man can prevail against a black man, a Jew, and a creepy elf.
* Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.
* Experts say it could take 80 days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans (after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city). When President Bush heard this he said, '80 days, that's half a vacation.'
* Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'
Conan on celebrities:
* This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
* Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.
* Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.
* Scientists announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, "I can't afford those kind of phone bills."
* The Jerry Springer Hotel Porno tape is finally released, and the public learns a horrible truth: Jerry can only climax while being hit over the head with a chair.
* This is a huge night in my life, ... I cannot tell you how proud I am to be the Emmys' first Catholic host.
* Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.
* The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you, "Why didn't you do that on television?
*** Thanks for visiting, everyone, and have a great weekend!