THE REPUBLICAN DICTIONARY
ACTIVIST JUDGE, n. A judge who attempts to protect the rights of minorities--most especially homosexuals--against the tyranny of the majority. (Contributed by Amy M., Austin, Texas)
ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES, n. New locations to drill for oil and gas. (Peter S., Fort Collins, Colorado)
CIVIL LIBERTIES, n. Unnecessary privileges that you aren't afraid of losing unless you are a God-hating, baby-killing, elitist liberal who loves Saddam Hussein more than your own safety. (Megan E., Bellingham, Washington)
CLIMATE CHANGE, n. Global warming, without that annoying suggestion that something is wrong. (Robert S., Statesboro, Georgia)
DEATH TAX, n. A term invented by anti-tax zealots and referring to a tax used to prevent the very wealthy from establishing a dominating aristocracy in this country. (David M., Lutz, Florida)
DEMOCRATIC ALLY, n. Any democracy, monarchy, plutocracy, oligarchy or dictatorship--no matter how ruthless--that verbally supports American diplomatic and economic goals. (L.J. K., Concord, New Hampshire)
DEREGULATE, v. To pursue greed and exploitation. (Nathan T., Long Beach, California)
DETAIN, v. Hold in a secret place without recourse to law and treat in any manner one wishes. (Jeannine B., Oklahoma City, Oklahoma)
ECONOMIC PROGRESS, n. 1. Recession; 2. Rising unemployment; 3. Minimum-wage freeze. (Terry M., East Rockaway, New York)
FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE, n. Christian Right Payoff. (Michael G., Fair Haven, New Jersey)
Anonymous contributors who don't want their employers checking out Facebook:
abstinence-only sex education - (n.) Ignorance-only sex education.
alternative energy sources - (n.) New locations to drill for gas and oil.
bankruptcy - (n.) A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations.
"burning bush" - (n.) A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire.
Cheney, Dick (crooked Chief of Staff to Pres. Gerald Ford, crooked Vice President to George Bush 43) - (n.) The greater of two evils.
China - (n.) See Wal-Mart.
class warfare - (n.) Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
climate change - (n.) The blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.
compassionate conservatism - (n.) Poignant concern for the very wealthy.
creationism - (n.) Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.
DeLay, Tom (disgraced former GOP Speaker of the House)- (n.) 1. Past tense of De Lie. 2. Patronage saint.
democracy - (n.) A product so extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.
ditto-head - (n.) An Oxy(contin)moro(n).
energy independence - (n.) The caribou witness relocation program.
extraordinary rendition - (n.) Outsourcing torture.
faith - (n.) The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.
Fox News - (fict.) Faux news, also it's popular nickname from the comedians: Liars News.
free markets - (n.) Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.
girly men - (n.) Males who do not grope women inappropriately.
God - (n.) Senior presidential adviser.
growth - (n.) 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.
habeas corpus - (n.) Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).
healthy forest - (n.) No tree left behind.
homelandism - (n.) A neologism for love of the Homeland Security State, as in "My Homeland, 'tis of thee, sweet security state of liberty...".
honesty - (n.) Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."
House of Representatives - (n.) Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate).
laziness - (n.) When the poor are not working.
leisure time - (n.) When the wealthy are not working.
liberal(s) - (n.) Followers of the Antichrist.
Miller, Zell, Senator from Georgia - (n.) The man who shot and killed Alexander Hamilton after a particularly tough interview on political news show "Hardball."
neo-conservatives - (n.) Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.
9/11 - (n.) Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy, especially if unrelated (See Deficit, Iraq War).
No Child Left Behind - riff. 1. (v.) There are always jobs in the military. 2. (n.) The rapture.
ownership society - (n.) A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.
Patriot Act - (n.) 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.
pro-life - (adj.) Valuing human life up until birth.
Senate - (n.) Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 millio(n).
simplify - (v.) To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
staying the course - (interj.) Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
stuff happens - (interj.) Slang. Bush's Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as master historia(n).
voter fraud - (n.) A significant minority turnout.
Wal-Mart - (n.) The nation-state, future tense.
water - (n.) Arsenic storage device.
woman - (n.) 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place.
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