Showing posts with label funny-blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny-blog. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Dark Humor, Good Advice Unemployment Quotes





From Denny:  Sometimes, dark humor is all that can get you through the day when it's such a serious subject like when you are out of a job and in the long process of finding another.  It's a bonus when it's something you really enjoy doing.  Barring that it's always good when you can pay the bills.  Meanwhile, during your search be sure to find plenty of funny movies to watch and humor blogs like this one to pump up your attitude volume!


Quotes


* We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us. - Anonymous

* What is the good of being a genius if you cannot use it as an excuse for being unemployed?  - Gerald Barzan

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Anonymous 

* Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden. 
- Orson Scott Card





The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up 
in the morning you're on the job. - Slappy White

An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. - Anonymous

Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life." - Anonymous 

Now joblessness isn't just for philosophy majors." - Kent Brockman

* By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost 






* We believe that if men have the talent to invent new machines 

that put men out of work, they have the talent to put those men 
back to work. - President John F. Kennedy - 
Will someone please send this quote to Congress?

* Unemployment diminishes people. Leisure enlarges them. 

- Mason Cooley - Hmmm… is this guy telling us that now is 
a great time to lose weight???

* When I quit working, I lost all sense of identity in 

about fifteen minutes. - Paige Rense

* It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; 

it's a depression when you lose your own. - President Harry S. Truman


“I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.
” - Jarod Kintz

Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used to think that, before unemployment turned every day into a Saturday. 
- Jarod Kintz






* I'm a concert pianist. That's a pretentious way of saying I'm unemployed at the moment. - Oscar Levant


* If you had to have a diploma or a GED to collect unemployment, you'd see a lot more kids staying in school. - Wayne Knight

The hardest work in the world is being out of work. - Whitney Young, Jr.

* Beyond the queues, the vacancy screens listed jobs in a multitude of languages. Invariably, they were low-paid and short-term dead-ends. Nearby, people in headphones sat at a bank of machines: the blind and the illiterate force-fed with ‘opportunities’ by soothing machine voices. On the far wall, in large print, a poster declared: BEGGARS CANNOT BE CHOOSERS.  - Mark Cantrell

* When we're unemployed, we're called lazy; when the whites are unemployed it's called a depression.  - Jesse Jackson, civil rights leader




Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. - President Dwight D. Eisenhower

* If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana

* Be ashamed not of being single, or, unemployed. That comes standard. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana




* Working in the theater has a lot in common with unemployment. - Arthur Gingold

* I cannot tell you how many quiet mornings I have spent sitting around hotel rooms and furnished apartments in the United States and Mexico, smoking cigarettes, plunking the guitar, and watching Perry Mason--telling myself, "Well, at least I don't have a day job. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am not guilty of anything. Perry would see that in a minute. - Dave Hickey, Air Guitar: Essays on Art & Democracy

There are stories — legends, really — of the “steady job.” Old-timers gather graduates around the flickering light of a computer monitor and tell stories of how the company used to be, back when a job was for life, not just for the business cycle. … The graduates snicker. A steady job! They’ve never heard of such a thing. - Max Barry, Company




A$$toundingly scummy, insensitive and inaccurate:

Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders. - Republican President Ronald Reagan - Is that obnoxious or what? Americans pay into the system their entire life so when they need to pull from the account it's their right, not some pre-paid vacation.

* Literally, if we took away the minimum wage - if conceivably it was gone - we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level [of pay]. - Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MI) This same woman also said of child hunger in America: "Hunger is a good motivator."



BEST Advice during a job search:

* Let your strength from the past provide proof of your abilities to . . . conquer the difficulties of the present. -  John-Talmage Mathis, For the (Soon) Unemployed: You Against Them

*My first bit of advice is to not personalize a job loss. The cause for the dismissal was a business calculation. This is difficult for many to grasp; it’s difficult to accept that events just occur. Come to see this as an experience. Obviously not the most pleasant experience, but it is one that you’ll overcome. - John-Talmage Mathis, For the (Soon) Unemployed: You Against Them

You have tremendous gifts to give; God sent them with you when you came to this earth. And while you might forget them, or doubt they exist, God does not forget and He will show them to you. As soon as your gifts are dedicated to His work, they will blossom. Chains that might have held you back for years will dissolve. And you will feel free. You will learn that your spirit is bigger than your circumstances, as soon as you put your spirit first. - Marianne WilliamsonEveryday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness And Making Miracles

* Where there is lack, God’s abundance is on the way. Hold on. Have faith. It’s coming. Marianne WilliamsonEveryday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness And Making Miracles

Our prayer is not simply, ‘Dear God, please send me a better job,’ but, ‘Dear God, enable me to see this situation differently, that this area of apparent lack might be healed inside my mind. - Marianne WilliamsonEveryday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness And Making Miracles

As long as there are ways we can serve, then we have a job to do. - Marianne WilliamsonEveryday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness And Making Miracles

* As long as we remain vigilant at building our internal abundance - an abundance of integrity, an abundance of forgiveness, an abundance of service, an abundance of love - then external lack is bound to be temporary. - Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness And Making Miracles


* * *  Support Warriors Pearl Foundation - contributing to fund efforts to help homeless female military veterans come home.  Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  Thanks for your support.  You rock!


Subscribe in a reader to Dennys Funny Quotes

* Check out Dennys News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food - a place where all my 24 blogs link so you can choose from among the latest posts all in one place.  A free to read online newspaper from independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon. * 

*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Viral Video: Sweet Interaction of Smart Dog Friending Shy Down Syndrome Boy





From Denny:  This female Labrador dog named Himalaya is on a mission to help socialize this shy 3-year-old little boy with Down Syndrome.  She would gently not take no for an answer.  Is it any wonder why dog trainers choose this breed as service dogs?  They are simply amazing in their ability to understand and know exactly how to relate to people.

This video clip is especially endearing as this dog just knows to press this child to develop by teaching him to interact with her.  His mother says he is very shy about any physical contact and he was not quite sure at first about Himalaya's touching.

But the dog proves to be very patient and tries a few different less threatening postures - like rolling over and showing her belly - to see which one was acceptable to the child.  Himalaya finally places her paw on his shoulder and it's like the light finally came on for him after repeated contact he realized was not painful or harmful.  The little boy lurches forward and hugs and crawls all over the dog, grabbing her face and pushing it around.  His manual dexterity is not yet well developed so his attempts were clumsy.

What's good about this interaction for him is that as the dog encourages the little boy to touch her he will develop that brain-hand connection faster and easier.  It's a simple non-verbal relationship that is easy for him to understand and feel comfortable with over time.  Dogs like this are real gems!  Kudos to Himalaya for giving so much love and understanding.  Isn't it interesting how dogs just know?

Years ago I had a fierce looking dog that looked like a wolf with a tail curled up on his back, a black and silver Keeshond named Rocky.  He had never been around children.  Yet when we went on walks in the neighborhood the toddlers would want to interact with him so he would oblige by lying down on the grass and then allow the children to fall all over him, even pull his fur, all without nipping or complaint.  He knew they were clumsy and meant no harm.  At picnics he would gladly share ice cream cones with other small children too!  I never trained him for any of this.  It was that he was just such a good and kind doggie soul.

Check out cool Himalaya in her quest to friend this sweet little boy:


Doggie Treats Clock Canvas Lunch Tote



Dogs love to get treated to snacks all day long!



Monday, June 10, 2013

Check Out Funny Business Names in Louisiana

Business
Business (Photo credits: www.roadtrafficsigns.com)
From Denny:  Of the few local newspapers left in America - before they get gobbled up and homogenized by Big Business to turn a bigger profit - there are those small papers that still retain a local flavor.  Baton Rouge, Louisiana and The Advocate is one of them.  

A local reporter by the name of Smiley Anders has been collecting and writing this funny column since 1979 when he first started in the business.  The public write in their true stories of funny situations that happened to them.  The public also pass on local Cajun jokes for good measure.


One day Smiley was calling out for readers to send in funny business names they have seen in their Louisiana communities.  Some of the names are downright odd and funny crazy.  Some business owners actually invested in these silly names!


It's ALL good Bright Lights Galaxy S3 Case

It's ALL good reminds us of the sweetness in life!


From Gerald Wray, Pride, Louisiana:  “Channeling my inner Andy Rooney of ‘60 Minutes’ fame: ‘Have you ever noticed the funny names people give their businesses?’
“I travel a lot throughout Louisiana, so there are no shortage of crazy names I have seen on businesses.
“But the one I saw on a hair salon in Columbia, Louisiana, probably rates as one of the best - or worst.
“The hair salon’s name?  ‘Curl Up and Dye.’
“Just wondering what other crazy names your readers have seen out there.”

Of course, once that tidbit was published one reader offered a couple of hilarious business names:

From Phillip Garrett, Prairieville, Louisiana:  “Bayou Self” car wash on U.S. 61 near St. Francisville.
“Minnow Pause,” a bait shop on La. 1 near Grand Isle.


And since Louisiana is increasingly getting used as a set and a movie production area for vampire shows like "True Blood" you simply must own a funny t-shirt to celebrate all the campy fun!


Life on the Bayou Organic Women's T-Shirt

For TV show True Blood fans: My landlord is a FANGER. My boss? A WEREWOLF. And my partner is a real FAIRY. Life on the bayou...

* * *  Support Warriors Pearl Foundation - contributing to fund efforts to help homeless female military veterans come home.  Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  Thanks for your support.  You rock!


Subscribe in a reader to Dennys Funny Quotes

* Check out Dennys News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food - a place where all my 24 blogs link so you can choose from among the latest posts all in one place.  A free to read online newspaper from independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon. * 

*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Comic Jimmy Kimmels Plan To Save The U.S. Post Office




From Denny:  These are outrageous times.  To really save the post office and pull it out of huge debt is to start sending snail mail cards, letters and packages.  Really?  Well, yeah, that obvious tactic would work and is a sensible one. After all, the post office lost over $1 billion just in the last quarter of 2012 - and that included the holiday season of which they apparently did not get much of a share of the business.

But what debt answer would be a lot more creative and fun?  Comic Jimmy Kimmel has the answer.  He advocates the President legalize marijuana and then put the U.S. Post Office to be the only guys who can deliver it.  Outrageous?  Maybe, uh, hmmm.... it's actually a monopoly idea that would work!  Yay! Capitalism at work!  :)

That aside - because we know it will never happen - then how about Kimmel's latest answer to the real world U. S. Post Office Gear the agency is planning to sell?  The agency has teamed with a Cleveland supplier for post office uniform wear that might prove useful as a Halloween costume - or stealing social security checks out of mailboxes from trusting elderly folks.

We all know that the cosmetic industry is a multi-billion dollar happy place.  Kimmel suggests "why not sell a fragrance" promoted by the post office?  Here Jimmy Kimmel promotes "Manila" as the upscale new fragrance to hit the market place.  Enjoy your grin as you coast into the weekend.  Ah... that feels better, now doesn't it?


I Love My Psycho Kitty Large Mug


Love cats? Live with an animated kitty with an attitude? We love our pet friends.
Support Warriors Pearl Foundation - contributing to fund efforts to help homeless female military veterans come home.  Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  Thanks for your support.  You rock!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Awww Cute Photo: Santa Serenade of Whale

Photo by Abigail Pheiffer of Mystic Aquarium/AP
 
 
From Denny:  In case you missed this adorable photo during the Christmas season like I did then check out Santa serenading a beluga whale at the Mystic Aquarium in Mystic, Connecticut.  Isn't it amazing how the whale is listening intently and seems to enjoy the song and interaction?  It's as if the whale is saying, "Wow! What is this? Cool! I think he's flirting with me... don't tell Sam.  Let's keep this between you and me, Santa."
 
 
 
Love: Amen! Jr. Raglan
 

Love: Amen! Jr. Raglan

Make someone's day and yours too! More clothing, sizes, styles available in this design.
Denny Lyon Gifts @ Cafe Press
Thank you to those supporting my effort to collect funds for homeless female vets.
 
 
 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Outrageous: What Everyone Needs: A Hot Tub Boat


The Hot Tub Boat


Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Outrageous: What Everyone Needs: A Hot Tub Boat: From Denny:  Looking to pamper yourself because you have more money than you know what to do with? Getting ready for the very popular Rich Man's Spring Accoutremount and Wardrobe season?

Are you so ultra conservative Republican you resent your local Food Bank begging for help because it has empty shelves?  Figure said Food Bank doesn't need donations for half of the formerly wealthy struggling middle class now living in poverty?

Then this outrageous rich man's toy is for you!  For wealthy green folks know that this is an electric boat.

It's called...


Paint Dots Brights Kindle Sleeve

Paint Dots Brights lets out your inner artist!

* * *  Support Warriors Pearl Foundation - contributing to fund efforts to help homeless female military veterans come home.  Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

6 Funny Satire Cartoons: Eternal Thought 4 The Day

Furious rabbit (humor)
Furious rabbit (humor) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)





From Denny:  I hear blog maintenance is actually good for something.  Turns out people like me find all kinds of gems hiding in the draft section that never got published.  These adorable cartoons are a fine example!   Enjoy...













and the thought for the day - eternally... especially poignant during flu season...


Speed Bump


Friday, December 21, 2012

Inspiration: Cool Dancing American Traffic Cop Shows Great Moves





From Denny:  Check out this fun-loving and fun retired cop that still directs traffic in Rhode Island.  Tony Lepore, age 65, aspired to be a performer but the opportunities were slim when he was young.

Yet, here he is, appreciated and enjoyed by millions all these years later.  Today he is involved with a troupe that travels, doing lots of shows.  Sometimes, you just never know how your life will turn out.

Kudos to Tony for some fabulous dance moves that intrigued the news staff, an inspiration to older Americans to get exercising and an all around positive attitude to keep you going - even through life's disappointments.  Enjoy Tony's holiday tradition he's been performing for over 20 years now.


Funny Friday Enthusiasm iPhone 5 Case

Make each day of the week like Friday and your life will take on new enthusiasm

* * *  Support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home.  Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  Thanks for your support.  You rock!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Funny Holiday Ads: Crazy Target Lady Shopping Tips 1 - 3



From Denny:  The Thanksgiving holiday was barely observed this year as desperate retailers - in a faltering economy - blasted the airwaves with some hilarious ads to get Americans to go shopping.

The comic, Maria Bamford, sports her Crazy Lady at Target character to entertain us.  She sure had me laughing so much I went to YouTube to find all her funny ads for the holiday season.  Be sure to check out her site too.










Thursday, November 3, 2011

16 Hilarious Photos, Signs to Keep You Wondering

From Denny:  From the witty to the absolutely stupid, check out these funny photos and outrageous signs.  Yep, with the human race there is never a dull moment.  I wonder when aliens land they will get our sense of humor.  Can it be that we are the only ones in the universe with the ability to laugh?

What if the universe was peopled with dull people who never found anything funny?  Look at it this way, Planet Earth will become the universal travel destination for cosmic tourists in need of a good laugh!  Cosmic tourism, now that should help our global economy...



This would be a scary proposition - until you figure out it's a framing shop! :)  clever advertising.

Strange and Funny Warning Signs (29 pics)



Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Jon Stewart Sneers At Debt Ceiling Talks: Nonfiction Captain America


Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Jon Stewart Sneers At Debt Ceiling Talks: Nonfiction Captain America: "From Denny: Jon Stewart taps into American anger at our politicians for being so stupid about these debt ceiling talks. They all are still politically posturing while the public will be the ones to be the ultimate losers - except come election day when we all get to 'throw the bums out.'

The Republicans are naked in their exposure for propping up the wealthy at the expense of the middle class, the elderly and the poor. The GOP is held hostage by the Tea Party conservatives who are adamant to implode our economy and the global village along with us.

The Democrats can't seem to rein in their idiot Centrists under Steny Hoyer dumb enough to vote for Republican proposals. President Obama probably wants to quit the job and move off world after dealing with these greedy fools."

Funny Jon Stewart Mocks The Hot Summer Weather


From Denny: Stewart enjoys mocking the hot weather as much as he enjoys mocking Donald Trump eating New York pizza with - gasp! - a fork! How could he be so crass?

Jon has some fun showing news clips of reporters demonstrating how you can cook chocolate chip cookies on a car dashboard, cook eggs in a skillet in the hot sun and a pizza on a city sidewalk.

Of course, Jon's best comment about the hot summer weather: "It's not global warming; it's God preheating America!"

And then there's Wyatt Cenac pretending to be a hard-charging weather reporter that is totally disgusting in his food choices.  Discover this at your own peril.  :)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Funny Social Commentary Cartoons


From Denny:  Enjoy these cartoons while they last. The wealthy cartoonists over at Comics.com have all banded together and no longer give embed codes to bloggers for their cartoons. That includes the political cartoonists too.

Sigh.  What!?  No more crazy Palin cartoons or Gingrich.  I might be suffering from cartoons withdrawal soon.  Hopefully, these cartoonists will continue to enable the previous codes like these cartoons.

I guess this can only mean one thing: It's time for me (and you) to learn how to cartoon and do my (our) own silly cartoons. I mean, who has a corner on laughter anyway? We all deserve the right to smiles.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

18 Funny Satire Cartoons: The Old, Really Old, Pride

From Denny: OK, OK, I'll finally share and pull these funnies out of draft post status and send the little darlings out into the cold cruel world... I'm always on the lookout for new cartoonists so be sure to shoot me an email when you find someone new on the scene. Hope you all enjoyed Raymond Betancourt from his "Twisted" cartoon blog. The link is just below this post so be sure to check him out if you haven't already. Meanwhile, laugh at the old folks and their crazy antics.  Irreverent commentary provided free of charge, just for today... 


You know you are in trouble when you start with the double glasses: one pair is for reading and the other for life... and you are still reading news print instead of online.


Ballard Street


The latest generation's version of the family snitch... the old pride starts at a young age...


Speed Bump


Monday, January 17, 2011

39 Funny Satire Cartoons - 17 Jan 2011

Cartoons that will keep you laughing for a life time as you see yourself - or your neighbor - from a laughable angle.




From Denny: Flying in for a landing this Monday are some hilarious cartoons about every stage of our lives from being a child observing our parents' odd doings to those cranky weird old people in the neighborhood cartoons. Get a fresh perspective - and a good laugh - after your work day here!



How to keep yourself entertained in your retirement years - "Deliver me!"

Ballard Street




Ballard Street




Unstrange Phenomena


Friday, December 17, 2010

Funny Video: Jimmy Kimmel Pokes Fun At WikiLeaks Assange

Comedians rip silly WikiLeaks founder Assange. WikiLeaks Founder Julian Assange Gets a New Prison Nickname



From Denny: Comedian Jimmy Kimmel lampoons WikiLeaks founder Assange for "changing his name." This clip aired before Assange was finally granted bail while awaiting extradition to Sweden on both rape and molestation charges. Some of his past employees would like to charge him with "arrogant King attitude" and "general putz behavior" but hey, apparently that it's yet illegal - just "bad form." Hmmm... Assange does bear a distinct resemblance to a "rat terrier." Kimmel refers to him as a prison snitch.


WikiLeaks Founder Julian Assange Gets a New Prison Nickname





*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

*** Check out Holiday Recipes From Dennys Food and Recipes

The Social Poets - news, politics
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Best Spiritual Posts
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor

Friday, December 10, 2010

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks FOX on War on Christmas

Check out glib Stewart as he blasts crazy Fox News for the imaginary War on Christmas brigade marching into their studio.




From Denny: Check out the fun Stewart has poking fun at the righteous indignation of people FOX believes to be creating a War on Christmas. Geesh! It's like all the nut jobs have come out of the closet and are thronging in the streets like it's some kind of weird revolution.

The whole point of Christmas is the core teaching of goodwill toward others. How is that a war? And why would anyone go to war deciding others were going to war on Christmas? It's bizarre to say the least. Gee, "Do ya think?" it really might have something to do with the fact that Rupert Murdock's Sleaze National Inquirer is up for bankruptcy reorganization? Guess he's trying to build a new audience over at FOX Imitation News.


Daily Show: Recap - Week of 12/06/10
Jon watches as Fox News dusts off the War on Christmas, and Larry Wilmore invites the South to re-secede.



The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Recap - Week of 12/06/10
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire Blog</a>The Daily Show on Facebook



*** Enjoy some more laughs:

Funny Lite: Roundup of Late Night Jokes and Videos - 8 Dec 2010 - Check out how the comedians view WikiLeaks and Santa.

36 Christmas Posts: Music, Humor, Poems, Stories, Quotes - Explore a bonanza of Christmas offerings from music to humor to quotes to food and lots of good stories - and poems, both original and traditions from the past.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart On Prez National Displeasure - Stewart pokes fun at the wrong Obama attitude toward Democrats by mocking him.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Confederate Commemoration - Enjoy a little North-South humor from Jon Stewart lampooning the Confederate reenacting.



*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

*** Check out Holiday Recipes From Dennys Food and Recipes

The Social Poets - news, politics
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Best Spiritual Posts
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Funny Video: Jon Stewart On Prez National Displeasure

Stewart pokes fun at the wrong Obama attitude toward Democrats by mocking him.




From Denny: Stewart has some fun with how President Obama has been yelling at his own Democratic Party lately - and calling them names. Obama accused one of his best Black Caucus supporters of "being sanctimonious." That was Rep. Clyburn, one of the most decent guys you will ever meet and also someone who is completely in tune with the American people - unlike Obama who just won't listen to anyone. Obama has demonstrated himself to be the typical "unteachable teacher" - a Know It All. Watch Stewart rip into Obama's attitude.


Daily Show: Cenac - National Displeasure
Barack Obama used to find the American people's inconsistent irrationality charming, but he's losing his patience.


The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
National Displeasure
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire Blog&lt;/a>The Daily Show on Facebook



*** Enjoy more laughs:

Funny Lite: Roundup of Late Night Jokes and Videos - 8 Dec 2010 - Check out how the comedians view WikiLeaks and Santa.

36 Christmas Posts: Music, Humor, Poems, Stories, Quotes - Explore a bonanza of Christmas offerings from music to humor to quotes to food and lots of good stories - and poems, both original and traditions from the past.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks FOX on War on Christmas - Check out glib Stewart as he blasts crazy Fox News for the imaginary War on Christmas brigade marching into their studio.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Confederate Commemoration - Enjoy a little North-South humor from Jon Stewart lampooning the Confederate reenacting.



*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

*** Check out Holiday Recipes From Dennys Food and Recipes

The Social Poets - news, politics
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Best Spiritual Posts
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor


Related Posts with Thumbnails

This Week's Fav Cartoon

Moderately Confused

Genius

  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift

Advice

  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, PensĂ©es, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977

Children

  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La BruyĂšre, Les CaractĂšres, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

Relationships

  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, robertbrault.com ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian