Start your New Year off right with lots of laughter and some smart advice on meeting those New Year resolutions.
From Denny: Before you stay up all night to ring in the New Year, swill some good champagne and watch the fireworks on TV, catch a laugh here. I rounded up the best and funniest quotes about the New Year. Enjoy some New Year's poems too.
New Years Quotes
* New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain
* Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan
* New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. - Mark Twain
* The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P. J. O'Rourke
* Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average... which means, you have met your New Year's resolution. - Jay Leno
* Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. - Brooks Atkinson
* New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate
* An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Bill Vaughan
* Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. - Anonymous
* May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! - Joey Adams
* I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. - Anais Nin
* Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. - Oscar Wilde
* I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. - Robert Paul
* A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. - Anonymous
* From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. - Leonard Bernstein
* The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot. - Michael Altshuler
* Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty. - John Selden
* It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets. - William Thomas
* People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. – Anonymous
* The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. - W.H. Auden
* A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. - Anonymous
* New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot! Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno
* It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money. - P. J. O'Rourke
* Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? - Ogden Nash
* Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
New Year's Blessings
* New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights. - Hamilton Wright Mabie
* Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true. - Alfred Lord Tennyson
* Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear, and with a manly heart. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
* I will seek elegance rather than luxury, refinement rather than fashion. I will seek to be worthy more than respectable, wealthy and not rich. I will study hard, think quietly, talk gently, and act frankly. I will listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with an open heart. I will bear all things cheerfully, do all things bravely await occasions and hurry never. In a word I will let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. - William Ellery Channing
* We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives, not looking for flaws, but for potential. - Ellen Goodman
* The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. - G.K. Chesterton
New Year's Poems
Happy New Year!!
A New Years toast to love and laughter
and happily ever after
A health to you, a wealth to you,
And the best that life can give to you.
Dance as if no one were watching,
Sing as if no one were listening and
Live every day as if it were your last. - Anonymous
Auld Lang Syne
by Robert Burns
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
We twa hae run aboot the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine;
we've wander'd mony a weary foot
Sin' auld lang syne
We two hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae mornin' sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne
And here's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
What can be said in New Year rhymes,
That's not been said a thousand times?
The new years come, the old years go,
We know we dream, we dream we know.
We rise up laughing with the light,
We lie down weeping with the night.
We hug the world until it stings,
We curse it then and sigh for wings.
We live, we love, we woo, we wed,
We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.
We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,
And that's the burden of a year. - Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Funny New Year's Resolutions
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. - John Burroughs
* But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty? I live according to twenty-year old habits. - Andre Gide
* I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second. - Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
* He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool. - F. M. Knowles, A Cheerful Year Book
* Every new year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people revert back to how they were before and feel like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution. I challenge you to just be yourself. - Aisha Elderwyn
* For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T. S. Eliot
* Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better man. - Benjamin Franklin
* Your Merry Christmas may depend on what others do for you. But your Happy New Year depends on what you do for others. - Anonymous
* We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called "Opportunity" and its first chapter is New Year's Day. - Edith Lovejoy Pierce
It is an amusing human observation that we are a bundle of paradoxes and contradictions, shifting so often, that it can be so swift as to exist on an hourly basis. Talk about change your mind. And, every year, when the new year is beginning, we think about "time." We think about how we have wasted it or not enjoyed enough of it to do all things we wanted to do.
TIME
Even a temporal calendar is an attempt to grab a hold of ourselves as if to tame our temperaments. Creating artificial time of the past and the future - rather than living fully awake in the present with a lot less stress - seems to be the curse humanity has called down upon ourselves. It is ludicrous, I mean, who in their right mind chooses to curse themselves? Silly.
THE NEW YEAR
Yet, here we arrive every year at what our calendars deem to be the beginning of THE NEW YEAR, like it's a monster from a scary book. Some look forward to it with delight and anticipation, the optimists, and others, the pessimists, dread it, worrying about the future. Hey, people! It's just a silly calendar! :) Take it in stride, laugh with it, laugh at it, but, most of all: LAUGH - and laugh out loud so the whole world can hear you!
BEST NEW YEARS QUOTE
This quote is so true about human nature it just begged to be moved to the top of the line:
* Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle. - Eric Zorn
CLOCK TIME
By now you have properly figured out that I don't bother to wear a watch. In fact, as soon as I graduated university quite some time ago (feels like a life time, hmmm... maybe it was...) I put away all my watches and the clocks in every room. As far as I was concerned I was done with "childhood." I made a decision then to follow a spiritual rhythm of the day and night which is basically about getting in tune with Nature, Spirit and the Universe.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
My New Year's resolution? They never quite sat right with me as I make course corrections all year long. There was a time in the personal "ancient" past when I tried to do as everyone else in my culture. What I found is exactly like the quote: I ended up rarely honoring the full resolution, maybe parts of it.
HONORING NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
Over the years I've often wondered why people have such a tough time with it, struggling as I did too. What I decided - I'm big on deciding what my take is on anything which I suppose that's what creates a writer or blogger - well, I thought the reason we rarely follow through well on those resolutions is because of four annoying facts.
FIRST FACT
The first fact is that we get too grandiose in our goals, creating too many high hurdles for ourselves to achieve.
SECOND FACT
The second fact is that we fail to take those resolutions and break them down into much smaller goals that are easier to achieve.
THIRD FACT
The third fact is we allow those striving for goals to drag on far too long, killing our enthusiasm that began the journey in the first place. Choose goals that can be achieved in short spurts of time like a few days or a few weeks. Once you let it drag on too long it is easy to get discouraged and then you end up abandoning your resolution.
FOURTH FACT
And the fourth fact? Waiting all year long to suddenly make a course correction is like taking an old ruin of a 100 year old house and finally deciding to renovate it and so it becomes a dizzying busy of a money pit.
NEW YEARS ADVICE AND TIPS
Do yourself a favor; make small personal Life corrections all year long and then you can do like my husband and I do at New Years: celebrate how much progress we have made for the year. Instead of piling a "To Do List" onto yourself at the beginning of a new calendar year, celebrate with a "Finished List" like a birthday celebration of good things. That way you celebrate what is best about yourself instead of worrying about what is not perfect. Well, it works for me about reducing daily and cultural stress; I never said I was conventional about my outlook... :)
BE KIND TO YOURSELF TOO
As I collected the New Years quotes, New Years poems, New Years blessing and New Years resolutions I was struck by how overwhelmed people felt by it all. Well, The Delphi Oracle here has solved the problem! Treat yourself kindly, make small personal Life corrections often all year long and then you can breathe a sigh of smug relief when THE NEW YEAR begins!
I like this New Year's Resolution the best:
* Resolve to make at least one person happy every day, and then in ten years you may have made three thousand, six hundred and fifty persons happy, or brightened a small town by your contribution to the fund of general enjoyment. - Sydney Smith
*** Check out these posts too:
New Year Celebrations: History And Trivia - Check out how celebrating the New Year was once considered controversial throughout history.
Best New Years Cartoons 2010
Poll: Most Admired People For 2010 - Check out the most admired people in America for 2010.
72 Posts Roundup at Dennys Blogs - 20 Dec 2010
Funny WikiLeaks Cartoons
17 Christmas Music and Fun Videos
36 Christmas Posts: Music, Humor, Poems, Stories, Quotes
Funny New Years Animations and Clip Art
New Years Reflection: Wine Glass Abyss, Libations Friday! 1 Jan 2010
Wonderful Serious Quotes About Time
8 Easy Yummy New Years Recipes to Warm Your Guests
Fun Kid Recipes, Activities Keep Them Busy For Holidays
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:
*** Check out Holiday Recipes From Dennys Food and Recipes
The Social Poets - news, politics
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Best Spiritual Posts - my own best as well as links to other spiritual posts from all viewpoints
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor
Dennys Funny Quotes: Laugh at life, politics, the universe: irreverent, satire, photos, cartoons and funny videos.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
New Years: Funny Quotes, Resolutions Tips, Poems
humor, funny, comedy, politics, funny-video
comedy,
funny,
funny-New-Years,
humor,
humour,
New-Years-animations,
New-Years-graphics,
New-Years-poems,
New-Years-quotes,
New-Years-resolutions
Genius
- A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
- A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
- A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
- A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
- Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
- Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
- Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
- Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
- Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
- Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
- Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
- Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
- Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
- Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
- Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
- Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
- Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
- Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
- His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
- I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
- I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
- I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
- I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
- I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
- If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
- If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
- If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
- In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
- Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
- Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
- Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
- Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
- Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
- Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
- Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
- Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
- Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
- Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
- The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
- The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
- The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
- The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
- The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
- There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
- This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
- Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
- We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
- We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
- We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
- What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
- When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift
Advice
- Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
- A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
- I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
- Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
- I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
- No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
- It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
- We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
- The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
- When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
- Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
- The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
- When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
- Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
- Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977
Children
- There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
- Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La BruyĂšre, Les CaractĂšres, 1688
- The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
- If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
- There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
- Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
- Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
- Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
- Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
- Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
- Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
- There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
- A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
- It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
- What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
- While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
- Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
- The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
- In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
- A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
- Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
- There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
- Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
- Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
- Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
- In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
- You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
- Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
- Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
- Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
- Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
- A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
- Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
- We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
- A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
- You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
- We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher
About Humor
- The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
- I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
- I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
- Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
- Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
- Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
- Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
- A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
- A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
- A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
- Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
- Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
- Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
- Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
- Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
- Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
- Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
- Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
- A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
- A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
- A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
- A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill
Birthday Quotes
- Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
- Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
- May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
- The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
- Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
- A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
- I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
- You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
- I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
- Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
- Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
- First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
- Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
- Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
- Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
- Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
- They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
- When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
- Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
- Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
- Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
- We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
- A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
- There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
- Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
- Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
- To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
- You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
- If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
- Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
- Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
- Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
- The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
- Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
- I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
- After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
- Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
- Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
- It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
- When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
- Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
- Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
- About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
- Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
Relationships
- Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
- I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
- In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
- A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
- He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
- Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
- Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
- The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
- Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
- Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
- Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
- Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
- Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
- Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
- I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
- If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
- True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
- I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
- Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
- If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
- I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
- Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
- The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
- Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
- True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
- Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
- In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams
Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms
- If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
- I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
- The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
- Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
- If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
- We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
- If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
- We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
- Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
- I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)
Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious
- When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
- I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
- Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
- Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
- Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
- Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
- A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
- I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
- A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
- The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
- Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
- Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
- And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
- The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
- A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
- If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
- The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
- The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
- The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
- There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
- You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
- All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
- A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
- A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
- To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
- To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
- Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
- No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
- A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
- There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
- I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
- If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
- I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
- A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
- In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
- Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
- Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
- A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
- Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
- Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
- A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
- You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
- Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
- The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
- We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
- An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
- If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
- There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, robertbrault.com ~ Robert Brault
- To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
- I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
- I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
- Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
- I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
- Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
- Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
- It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
- Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
- The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
- Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
- Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
- It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
- An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
- You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
- Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
- Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
- No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
- Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
- There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
- A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
- You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
- Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
- My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
- He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
- The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
- Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
- No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
- If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
- A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
- The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
- Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
- Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
Political Humor
- A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
- He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
- "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
- "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
- "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
- "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
- "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
- "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
- "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
- "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
- "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
- "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
- "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
- "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner
Holiday: Mother's Day
- Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian