Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets 30 Sept 2009

This lampshade chef had a very long day at the hotel kitchen... - Photo by Tracy Hunter @ Flickr

From Denny: Had some fun today and put up a post chock full of funny cooking quotes! When it comes to cooking there are a variety of opinions. Here's a "chef's table" sampling of the cheeky quote menu:

* In France, cooking is a serious art form and a national sport. - Julia Child

* Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. - Harriet Van Horne

* The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin

* When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

* Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. - G. K. Chesterson (1874-1936)

* Recipe For Chili: Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. - Allan Shivers, former governor of Texas

* I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

* Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

* In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. - Jose Simon

For more of Cheeky Quote Day, go here! :)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

7 More Funny Cooking Quotes, Bad Cooks Cartoon

Do you ever feel like health care reform is a piece of toast being burned to a crisp by bad cooks? - Denny Lyon

From Denny: In my relentless search for funny cooking quotes I just keep laughing as I find them. Sharing more with you today!


* Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy of The Muppets fame

* Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend. - Zenna Schaffer

* I prefer my oysters fried; That way I know my oysters died. - Roy G. Blount, Jr.

* I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I'm going to buy some sugar.” - Steven Wright

* I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

* In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. - Jose Simon

* Mothers, food, love, and career: the four major guilt groups. - Cathy Guisewite

Monday, September 28, 2009

5 Funny Cooking Quotes to Give You a Grin! Funny Einstein Photo

Genius Albert Einstein photoshoped as a rocker

From Denny: Since I'm getting ready to write Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets, there are lots of funny cooking quotes I'm finding in my research. Thought I'd share with you tonight, enjoy!


* Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. - Harriet Van Horne

* Cooking Rule... If at first you don't succeed, order pizza. - Anonymous

* Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. - The Anarchist Cookbook

* Fish, to taste right, must swim three times -- in water, in butter and in wine. - Polish Proverb

* Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. - Anonymous

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Awww Video: Go, Baby, Go! Baby Dancing with Beyonce

From Denny: This baby is too cute! He's just dancing away in sync with Beyonce. As a musician you know your music is good when little kids love it. It's the best compliment! He keeps trying to perform the dance moves but his muscles aren't quite developed yet to do what he wants. At the rate this kid is teaching himself he will probably be an excellent dancer by the time he is only five years old. This video will get you grinning! He reminds us to keep the joy in our lives.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Music Video: Thats What Love is About, Band from Utah

From Denny: Friend Mystic Dave - all the way across the country out in Utah - filmed a favorite band singing a really mellow song to end your day on a good note - That's What Love is About. For more of his music and video choices, go here.

Friday, September 25, 2009

5 Witty Cat Quotes Because I Love Them!

* Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. - Garrison Keillor

* Cats are notoriously sore losers. Coming in second best, especially to someone as poorly coordinated as a human being, grates their sensibility. - Stephen Baker

* Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

* Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people (expensive girlfriends, for instance) that it's often hard to tell the people and the cats apart. - P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners

From Denny: Of course, MY cats are very useful. They protect the food bowl admirably: including mine.

* I put down my book, The Meaning of Zen, and see the cat smiling into her fur as she delicately combs it with her rough pink tongue. "Cat, I would lend you this book to study but it appears you have already read it." She looks up and gives me her full gaze. "Don't be ridiculous," she purrs, "I wrote it." - Dilys Laing, "Miao"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

5 Funny Quotes From Movie Directors

* Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. - Billy Wilder

* It's the movies that have really been running things in America ever since they were invented. They show you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to feel about it, and how to look how you feel about it. - Andy Warhol

* The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. - Alfred Hitchcock

* The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself. - Will Rogers

* This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country. - Clint Eastwood

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Cheeky Quote Day at The Social Poets! 23 Sept 2009

From Denny: Make sure you collect your work week laughs of funny quotes over at The Social Poets! I've been wrestling with my Twitter account for several months now and it's been slowing down my daily posting on time. Along the way of building a new account I've found a lot of funny quotes on Twitter to give you some grins! For your dose of cheeky quotes, go here.

Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

3 Funny Quotes About Human Nature

Photo by snuzzy @ flickr

From Denny: While I was setting up a new account on Twitter now called DennyLyon7 (the old one - warriorlight - got messed up from putting a badge of support on my avatar.

Note to self: Never put a badge of support on your avatar ever again. Write this 1,000 times on the blackboard or digital equivalent thereof. It was a lemonade badge to support kids with cancer. No good deed goes unpunished. :)

So, while I was laughing at myself (and groaning about all the tedious tech work for the past week this has required) I thought I'd fish around for some funny quotes about human nature so you could laugh with me! Even the dog is laughing...


* Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, a sense of humor to console him for what he is. - Oscar Wilde

* All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. - H. L. Mencken

And my absolute favorite:

* Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. - Dame Edna Everage

Monday, September 21, 2009

10 Funny Cute Cat Quotes and Cat Cartoon

From Denny: What is cute about these cat quotes is they say more about us than the cats, enjoy! Keep a grin the rest of the work week. :)


* A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings. - William Ralph Inge

* A catless writer is almost inconceivable. It's a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys. - Barbara Holland

* After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference. - Charlotte Gray

* Cat lovers can readily be identified. Their clothes always look old and well used. Their sheets look like bath towels and their bath towels look like a collection of knitting mistakes. - Eric Gurney

* Cats do care. For example they know instinctively what time we have to be at work in the morning and they wake us up twenty minutes before the alarm goes off. - Michael Nelson

* Cats were put into the world to disprove the dogma that all things were created to serve man. - Paul Gray

* God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure of caressing the lion. - Fernand Mery

* Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner. - Gary Smith

* I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. - Bill Dana

* I have noticed that what cats most appreciate in a human being is not the ability to produce food which they take for granted, but his or her entertainment value. - Anonymous

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Video: Fun Campy Video Version of Song 'Do You Love Me' From Dirty Dancing Movie

From Denny: This is pretty funny, a campy little video with an easy rock song to enjoy. I was looking at Patrick Swayze dance videos, none of which could be embedded, but ran across this video using one of the Dirty Dancing songs "Do You Love Me?! (Now that I can Dance)" crossed with a music video visual. It's a bit odd and enjoyable. You go, girl, Xena warrior! :)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

This Weeks Editorial Cartoons 19 September 2009

From Denny: Oops! China "got tariffed" on their tires by the USA to try and protect at least a few of our remaining manufacturers not driven out of business in America.

Then it's on to The Bad Behavior Club from bad sportsmanship to mean-spirited awards ceremony hissing to political screaming at a dignified event.

Of course, we are all affected by and frustrated with big banks refusing to lend us the money our bailout provided them to the credit card companies feeing us to death for no reason.

Then there's the usual suspects concerning health care reform

*** Make sure you check out Dennys Global Politics for the latest political stories about Iran and more this week, go here.

*** Usually, I park these editorial cartoons at The Social Poets on Saturday mornings. So, if I forget to share over here just know you can find them over at the The Social Poets. Thanks for visiting!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Awww Video: Making a Difference - Shelter Dogs Learn New Tricks

From Denny: Definitely qualifies as an Awwww video! :) Great work these people are doing to convince the public to rescue the 4 million dogs euthanized every year and turn them into great pets.

"An animal trainer in Chicago runs a theatre performance group that demonstrates how shelter dogs loved and trained by their owners make splendid pets."

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Photos: Funny Food Flags From International Food Festival

From Denny: The International Food Festival held in Sydney, Australia this September 8th decided to create food flags for several countries. Thanks to toxel for posting these funnies.

You have to take a look at these creative offerings they are so clever and amusing! You will also leave hungry... :)









South Korea




Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Cheeky Quote Day! 16 September 2009

Photo by *L*u*z*a* @ flickr

From Denny: Here's an idea of what Cheeky Quote Day is like over at The Social Poets, enjoy!


Since so much is up in the air with the economy worldwide, and my audience is an international one (BTW, thank you everyone for your great support!), I thought I’d put up some quotes about retirement. After all, we all are dreaming about that “one day” of what we would like to do without anyone telling us it can’t be done!

While I was driving all day Monday out of town on sales calls I saw a lot of travel trailers and motor homes towing SUVs. I sure wondered where they were going and what they were going to do when they got there. I’ve been seeing those happy people motoring down the road for several months now and it sure got my curiosity up and turned my mind to the subject of retirement.

The first comedian from the past that came to mind concerning retirement was George Burns. He was quite the character and well loved in America. As he aged he made a new career out of standing on stage with an unlit cigar, a sly grin, and cracked jokes in his understated manner until his late nineties. He was in show business all his life beginning in Vaudeville.

George Burns isn’t the only comedian to craft a whole routine around the subject of retirement. The following are all kinds of perspectives about what it is like to retire from your job – or what you thought it might be like to retire! :) Get a grin and think good thoughts for your future.


Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George Burns

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. – Anonymous

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income. - Gene Perret

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

The money's no better in retirement but the hours are! - Anonymous

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

I've been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They're called naps. - Merri Brownworth

I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! – Anonymous

Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it. - Abigail Charleson

Retirement: World's longest coffee break. – Anonymous

Retirement has been a discovery of beauty for me. I never had the time before to notice the beauty of my grandkids, my wife, the tree outside my very own front door. And, the beauty of time itself. - Hartman Jule

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. – Anonymous

Life begins at retirement. – Anonymous

The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money. – Anonymous

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. - J. Lubbock

When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired. – Anonymous

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman, prize fighter

I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. - Hartman Jule

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. - Gene Perret

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller, comedian

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin, actor, comedian, singer

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. - Malcolm Forbes

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes, cartoonist

A gold watch is the most appropriate gift for retirement, as its recipients have given up so many of their golden hours in a lifetime of service. - Harry Mahtar

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering. - Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne

Retire from work, but not from life. - M.K. Soni

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Asquith

Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. - Ernest Hemingway, writer

First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Anonymous

In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day. – Anonymous

Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." - Gene Perret

Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow. - Douglas Pagels, These Are the Gifts I'd Like to Give to You

*** Comedy writer Gene Perret has been writing television comedy since the 1960’s. For more about him, go here.

Have a great work week, everyone! Keep your head down and your attitude looking up! You never know when you will get to retire and add some cheeky quotes of your own to the funny category of life…

News and Dance Videos: Actor Patrick Swayze Passes Away

From Denny: Well, we all knew it was coming as pancreatic cancer is one of the most deadly forms of cancer. It was a miracle he lived as long as he did after diagnosis. Most patients don't make it past three months; Swayze soldiered on for another two years which is quite amazing.

I always enjoyed his dancing and he was a great guy, loved by his fellow actors as much as by the public. Here are some of the headlines about him:

Film heartthrob Patrick Swayze dies of cancer at 57

Appreciation: Patrick Swayze's Sexy Film Career

'The View' talks Swayze, Swift and Gosselin

Photo gallery of Swayze by Life Magazine

Jennifer Grey: I Remember Being in Patrick Swayze's Arms for the movie Dirty Dancing

To watch the rest of the group dance, of course, the profit makers disabled all the Swayze dance videos, so go to this YouTube link.

Patrick Swayze danced his way through life, into our hearts, made us laugh, gave us a lot of joy and danced on into Heaven. Rest in Peace and our prayers are with your wife and family...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Funny Alfred Hitchcock Movie Quotes, Coffee Cartoon

From Denny: After researching early Hollywood movie star Mae West and her funny quotes I started looking around for funny quotes in the movie category. Found some little treasures of enjoyment and added the new category too!


* A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it. - Alfred Hitchcock

* A lot of movies are about life, mine are like a slice of cake. - Alfred Hitchcock

* In feature films the director is God; in documentary films God is the director. - Alfred Hitchcock

* The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. - Alfred Hitchcock

Monday, September 14, 2009

Cute Monday Morning Job Quotes, Cartoon too


* Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

* We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us. - Anonymous

* Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. - John G. Pollard

* A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. - "Fats" Domino

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Video: Singer Bill Withers Pranks USC Football Team

From Denny: This is from ESPN of all places. When do I watch sports? Rarely. But, as I was crossing the room in the house my husband had on ESPN and they were profiling the Southern California team, the Trojans, and a favorite musician was there talking to them: Bill Withers. It's also inspirational.

Turns out he was invited there by the head coach to pull a prank on the team. It's really cute and funny. As Bill Withers said to the team, "You've been punked!" And they all cracked up laughing.

Here's the original song from back in the 1970's when Bill first recorded it:

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Funny Human Nature and Murphys Law, Cartoon too


* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. - Murphy's Law

Friday, September 11, 2009

3 More Funnies From Famed Sexy Mae West

From Denny: Mae West still makes me laugh. The woman was an independent woman who pushed back against a male dominated system of her day - and won! Nothing better than success to make your day! She was a sex symbol, a screenwriter, a playwright and comedy writer. If this was her time period she would probably be a star on Saturday Nite Live, writing to her heart's content all the sexy lines she could fit into one skit.

As I research, it's amazing how many people I find from the past that are still relevant today, especially in their observations about human nature which we all know surely does not change! :)


* When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

* When women go wrong, men go right after them.

* You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Funny Video: Bride Laughing Loud at the Altar During Vows

From Denny: Just found this hilarious true video of a bride laughing so hard at the altar she almost fell over when they were trying to say their vows. The laughter is contagious! Laughter really IS the best medicine!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Its Cheeky Quote Day at The Social Poets! 9 Sept 2009

From Denny: It's Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets and today I'm featuring another early American entertainer who was a big hit during the dreary Depression years: actress Mae West.

The woman was known for being a bit saucy and downright risque for her time period. She was a child actress in Vaudeville who grew up to write her own comedic material and star in many a Hollywood movie during the 1930's.

To read more about her and enjoy many more rib-tickling quotes from her and a couple of short videos from her movies, go check out Cheeky Quote Day, here.

3 Quotes From Mae West

* I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

* Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

* Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

For Cheeky Quote Day featuring Mae West, go here.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Who Gets to be the Kid in America? Kids or Adults?

Photo by kevin dooley @ flickr

From Denny: Make sure you go back several days on the posts - like to Saturday if you were caught up to Friday. I've been running hard this week and the posting has been irregular. Finally posted up now! :) Thanks for visiting!


* In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz

Monday, September 7, 2009

Cute Kid Quote with Funny Cat Photo

* Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Cool Kid Quote and Time Travel

Photo by Sabrina Campagna @ flickr

* Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Awww News Video: Check Out This Snow Leopard Cub

From Denny: Check out this new story depicting a snow leopard cub. This little animal is quite the beauty! Never seen a snow leopard and the story gives you some interesting facts too.

Friday, September 4, 2009

5 Oh, So True! Funny Quotes on Housework

Photo of "I've abandoned responsibility and embraced frivolity!"

From Denny: Few people enjoy doing housework. Yet, it seems, no one wants their faces posted on an FBI wanted poster so they list their quotes as anonymous. OK, just what are they afraid of? Killer dust bunnies might attack...? :)

* God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done. - Anonymous

* This house is protected by killer dust bunnies. - Anonymous

* They're sure housework won't kill you, but why take the risk? - Anonymous

* Cleanliness is next to impossible. - Anonymous

* A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent (OK, I have to admit I agree with this guy...)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Blogger Followers and Google Connect Gadgets Erasing People

From Denny: I've contacted Blogger several times and no response for the past two almost three months this has been going on. Apparently, there are hundreds of bloggers on blogspot with the same issue and yet there are others who have no problems.

Thinking it might be the placement of ads on the sidebar, I moved them to other places on the blog. When that didn't work, I just removed many ads. That didn't work either. Tried other bright ideas and none of them worked.

In total frustration, just removed the offending gadgets that are not working right. Can I tell you that I'm not happy with Blogger and Google right now over what should be a simple fix? :) It's rude to allow the erasing of other people like they don't exist. People want that connection to you as a blogger and the free marketing feature of their sites connected too.

What's the temporary solution until these disappearing faces on the gadgets get resolved? The next best solution is that even if you are not a blogger you can have your face and site featured on my other gadgets that do seem to have their act together: MyBlogLog, BlogCatalog and FuelMyBlog. I'll try and get more featured gadgets by joining some more blog directories. Then there's Twitter Counter too for advancing your Twitter followers' count and marketing your site.

Thanks for your support, everyone, and sorry for this inconvenience.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Cheeky Quote Day! at The Social Poets 2 Sept 2009

From Denny: It's Cheeky Quote Day! over at The Social Poets! To enjoy some really great funny quotes and a short bio on one of America's funniest men in history, Will Rogers, go here.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

5 Funny Quotes That Spit on Death

From Denny: Death is a subject few people in America want to deal with and yet it happens to us all - well, almost all, maybe some of us are part of the Highlander's Immortal Clan. Time will tell on that one! :)

Death is like this celebrity no one wants to meet. (Hmmm... sounds like one of those quotable quotes your own spirit speaks out loud when you just know something is really true...)

This past week the news coverage has been heavy on the passing of a political American icon, Senator Ted Kennedy. He was fully prepared for death as he had his faith and relationship with God. People who are spiritually connected do well when their time comes.

People who are more connected only to religion and only on the mental, not heart, level don't do well. The heart really is the center of our spirits. Yet, it's amazing how easily we can hide the truth from ourselves - until a significant event like the passing of a celebrity or a beloved family member opens the door to our heart to take some inventory.

This has been a rough week of spiritual shake-up and awakening for millions of people in America. People are examining their own lives as to their current path and how they would like to alter their course to something far more positive. Observing Ted Kennedy's life in review from the shameful to the triumphant gives us all pause to say, "What's next?"

I thought folks might like a little emotional cool down from all the intensity this past week. Included today are some funny witty quotes about how others perceived Death, that unwelcome odious guy no one wants to invite to their house. To me, there is nothing better than putting your face into the wind and pushing forward into the scary unknown, only to discover incredible new wonders and be delightfully amazed at newly found spiritual awareness. It also helps to laugh a lot along the way.


* Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maugham, British playwright, 1874 - 1965

* Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz, short story writer and novelist, 1894 - 1985

* I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain, writer and American humorist, 1835 - 1910

* I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow, American lawyer, 1857 - 1938

* Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. - Edward W. Howe, American writer
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This Week's Fav Cartoon

Moderately Confused


  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift


  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977


  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.


  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian