Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Social Poets: Libya War: Funny Late Nite Jokes Roundup

Stephen Colbert arrives at Al Faw Palace at Ca...Image by DVIDSHUB via Flickr

The Social Poets: Libya War: Funny Late Nite Jokes Roundup: "Check out what the comedians lampoon about The Peace President, Obama, going into Libya. Boy, I tell ya, a guy tries to help out some desperate people in a foreign country from getting slaughtered and all he gets is flak from the Republicans and comedians.

Of course, like so many sticky political situations, it's all about The Ego. The mostly male media ratchets up The Ego Meter by declaring Prez Obama is a wimp if he doesn't succeed at deposing Gadafi now that he's declared, 'Gadafi must go!' So, suddenly out come The Big Guns: the CIA operatives magicly appear in Libya 'advising' the rebel forces. Read that as, 'These guys are so clueless the only way to keep them alive is knock some sense into them and show them how to win.'"

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Funny Video: Stephen Colbert: Turd Sandwich in Libya

Stephen Colbert in New York City at Border's s...Image via Wikipedia

From Denny: Only Stephen Colbert can put lipstick on a pig and call it beautiful. And that's what he did with Newt Gingrich's strange anti-Obama Anything that rarely makes sense these days. First, Newt is FOR a No-Fly Zone in Libya and then when Obama creates said zone, well, then Newtie is now against it. Go figure. Better yet - as Jon Stewart said, "There are actually at least three women in America who have F'd Newt Gingrich. Now that's amazing!"

Turns out the funny name for this episode is because a White House aide told a reporter, Savannah Guthrie, that this Libya situation is basically so disgusting it's "a turd sandwich." Gee, and all the women in the world thought he was talking about Newtie. Hmmm... Gadafi or Newtie... yep, both are a filling for that sandwich.

What's funny is how badly the Republican critics of Obama kept trying to frame Obama's Libya speech. They tried to call it "a dog's breakfast" to which Colbert puts up photos of breakfast at McDonald's to verify.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

3 Funny Videos: Jon Stewart At Not War, Obama Defends Libya War

Jon StewartImage via Wikipedia
From Denny:  Jon Stewart sure keeps this White House on their toes. Actually, he agrees with the President on going into Libya for the most part. But, being a comedian, it's his patriotic duty to lampoon politics wherever and whenever possible. These video clips are Stewart's response to when Obama and the coalition began bombing Gadafi to gain air superiority, establishing the No-Fly Zone.


















Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Snail and Wine Photo: Shell-E-Brations

MIAMI BEACH, FL - DECEMBER 09: Agostino Pezzat...Another snail hanging out in Miami - Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Snail and Wine Photo: Shell-E-Brations: "Is this a Baptist snail trying to escape the deadly sin of getting dunked in the wine? Or is it a drinking snail, so inebriated he is climbing out to get sober? Party on and 'shell-e-brate'! Great photo with a funny twisty of humor of the possible double meaning that a viewer can take away for themselves."

Dennys Food and Recipes: Grilling Steaks: Tips, Cooking Times, Great Sauces

Steak 03 bg 040306Image via Wikipedia
Dennys Food and Recipes: Grilling Steaks: Tips, Cooking Times, Great Sauces: "Want to learn the best tips for grilling that perfect steak? Warm weather - and a hearty pollen season - have arrived here in south Louisiana and our thoughts are already turning to grilling season. If you want to perfect your technique, learn how to make a perfect French classic sauce in the blender or brush up on your steak cooking knowledge, then read on. Oh, and no drooling allowed. :)"

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art Cartoon - What Love Is All About

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th centu...Image via Wikipedia


Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art Cartoon - What Love Is All About: " As an art lover I also love an artist with a sense of humor. Some of the most overlooked artists are cartoonists. Often they are taken for granted as we read in print or online our favorite daily newspaper. They depict our streaming politics, often lampooning policies or hypocritical politicians trying to sell a loser idea.

Today's art cartoon from Ballard Street is all about the art of assuaging a loved one's ego. Get a grin at this one:"

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Social Poets: Libya: Gadafi Regime Cracking Under Pressure Says Intel


The Social Poets: Libya: Gadafi Regime Cracking Under Pressure Says Intel: " The intelligence community is reporting 'the morale of Gadhafi forces is on the decline,' according to one official. 'Do ya think?' Your morale would be on the decline after witnessing coalition bombings taking out whole regiments of troops along with bombing cities. It's a lot different when the horror you once inflicted upon others becomes your own blood and guts horror.

Sounds like America's intelligence community so owes me a paycheck. :) They have finally come to the same conclusion as I have that The Gadafi Crowd can't handle the international heat and fear the massing crowds of Libyans who hate him."

Dennys Global Politics: Peoples Revolution Recaptures Port Cities: Libya Political Cartoons

Tornado GR4 Takes Off from RAF Marham to Enfor...Image by Defence Images via Flickr

Dennys Global Politics: Peoples Revolution Recaptures Port Cities: Libya Political Cartoons: "Since the U.S. and the minority coalition established the No-Fly Zone over Libya last week, the rebels have fared better. To gain control over the skies, it was necessary to destroy Gadafi compounds, tanks, anti-aircraft batteries, weapons dumps and whole regiments of troops on the move. In short, America, the British and the French decimated most of the Gadafi regime.

At present, the rebels have marched along the coastal cities, taking back ownership after Gadafi drove them out with aerial bombings and tank bombardments. Turn about was fair play and Gadafi's troops got a taste of the horror they inflicted upon others, now visited upon themselves."

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Post Roundup at Dennys Blogs - 24 March 2011


Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Post Roundup at Dennys Blogs - 24 March 2011: "Check out news, politics, great food, funny political humor, sassy opinion, astronomy and science, great quotes, awesome photography, poetry and spiritual thoughts.

Sometimes, I think if I didn't do posts roundup on all these crazy blogs I would never realize just how much I've been writing or on what subjects as the writing moves so quickly. The news is running at a rapid rate these days with all the revolutions in the Middle East and destructive world weather.

Fortunately, we have the comedians and the chefs to perk up our spirits and tantalize our taste buds so we don't get overwhelmed with too much negativity in the news and our politics..."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: 2 Outrageously Funny Vampire Cartoons From Raymond Betancourt

Little vampireImage via Wikipedia
Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: 2 Outrageously Funny Vampire Cartoons From Raymond Betancourt: "Check out the twisted bent mind of cartoonist Raymond Betancourt and how he dreams of vampires, sure to give you a laugh."

2 Funny Freud Cartoons From Raymond Betancourt

From Denny: Check out the funny mind of cartoonist Raymond Betancourt and how he contemplates Freud, sure to give you a laugh. His blog is Twisted or you can view his latest cartoons and drawings at flickr.


21

All Rights Reserved but with embed code available: Freud and cigar



... and the chip off the ol' block... 


Anna Freud

All Rights Reserved but with embed code available: Anna Freud







*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

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Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd - more crazy humor and weird news
The Social Poets - news, u.s. politics and humor
Dennys Global Politics - world politics, political cartoons
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Dennys Art Sanctuary
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Best Spiritual Posts
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Romancing The Chocolate - fun, sassy, lots of chocolate recipes and more food
Unusual 2 Tasty - different twists on favorite foods and international food
Comfort Food From Louisiana - Land of Seafood and Sweets, Cajun, all kinds of comfort food
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor
Dennys Blog Feeds - check out what is posting on all Dennys blogs all at a glance
Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts Food - an online newspaper

The Social Poets: Obama: End Libya War Now and 14 Political Cartoons

With his family by his side, Barack Obama is s...Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Obama: End Libya War Now and 14 Political Cartoons: "While America's war hawks and profiteers are thrilled to have spent $1 billion this week bombing Libya, it's time to complete The Hand Over to anyone else but us. Americans did not expect to be the country spending 95 percent of the money in this police action and we are not happy about it. American taxpayers are fed up with footing the bill for everything all the time and for far too long. We spend decades in idiot unnecessary expensive wars started by previous presidents, then start 'police actions' in a current administration."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Social Poets: 56 Political Fitness Comedy American Style Cartoons

The torii of Itsukushima Shrine, the site's mo...Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: 56 Political Fitness Comedy American Style Cartoons: "With all the emotional saturation of the tragic news coming out of Japan we all need a comedy break. I've been collecting this silly political humor for a couple of weeks and it looks like now is the time for its debut when we all could use a stress reliever."

Visual Insights: Dennys Photo Gallery: 2011 Super Moon World Photos

Full Moon view from earth In Belgium (Hamois).Image via Wikipedia

Visual Insights: Dennys Photo Gallery: 2011 Super Moon World Photos: "Yes, I've been on one of my visual vacations, tripping through the Flickr database for cool Super Moon photos. All of these photos were taken on 19 March 2011 for this year's Super Moon event all over the world. Usually, a Super Moon occurs about every 20 years. We are expecting another one in 2016. One photographer created a short video of his various shots and paired a great jazz love song with it. Enjoy these visual treats!"

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Social Poets: Newt Gingrich Cartoons: Newtie 4 President - NOT!

Newt GingrichImage via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Newt Gingrich Cartoons: Newtie 4 President - NOT!: "Two words: Newt Gingrich. Two more words: Laughable Hypocrite. This guy has more ex-wives than should be possible. He lays a line of huge BS on them, they swallow it hook, line and sinker. Then, years later, they are shocked Newt admits he is shallow, two-timing and a total hypocrite."

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Soul Calendar: Super Moon Phenomenon: Gorgeous Illusion Worth Watching

Full Moon view from earth In Belgium (Hamois).Image via Wikipedia
The Soul Calendar: Super Moon Phenomenon: Gorgeous Illusion Worth Watching: "The moon has not appeared this large since 1992. This huge moon appears because the moon is closer to the Earth than usual in its elliptical orbit. "

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art: Reading The Directions

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art: Reading The Directions: "This painting is as delightful is as it's funny. How many times have men decided they know where they are going when driving only to get lost?"

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art: Dressing Up The Donkeys

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Funny Art: Dressing Up The Donkeys

Friday, March 18, 2011

The Social Poets: Japan: Plutonium Reactor Careening Out of Control, 18 Political Cartoons

Internationally recognized symbol.Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Japan: Plutonium Reactor Careening Out of Control, 18 Political Cartoons: "The whole world watches, waits, and holds its breath dreading nightmarish nuclear disaster. We are transfixed upon every tiny bit of streaming news coverage to the point of emotional saturation. And the news does not get any better. Even the Japanese government called the situation today 'very grave.'"

Awww Funny Big White Dog: Puzzle Pieces Blog: King of the Hill

Puzzle Pieces.....: King of the Hill - wonderful doggy photos of a funny guy with great commentary to give you a good laugh! Check out this blogger from Canada.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: 3 Funny St. Patricks Day Posts, Lots of Quotes

ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE 2007 - DUBLINSt. Patrick's Day parade in Dublin, Ireland - Image by infomatique via Flickr
Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: 3 Funny St. Patricks Day Posts, Lots of Quotes: " Green hats are cool - if you are Irish. Well, someone tell that Irishman not to go to China. Why? Turns out 'the wearing of the green (hat)' is a cultural sign to society that..."

Yeah, this was a "teaser" and you have to go to my blog to read the rest of the post. And, yes, there was one Mary O'Brien in the family tree a while ago.  She must have passed down her teasing sense of humor. :)

The Social Poets: St. Patricks Day Funnies and History - Cheeky Quote Day 10 Mar 2010

The Social Poets: St. Patricks Day Funnies and History - Cheeky Quote Day 10 Mar 2010

The Social Poets: Japan: Nuclear Update, Earthquake, Tsunami, Nuclear Political Cartoons

The Social Poets: Japan: Nuclear Update, Earthquake, Tsunami, Nuclear Political Cartoons: "The Japanese keep changing and downplaying the radiation level numbers. At one point last night one Japanese official said the radiation levels at the troubled nuclear plant had reached 1,000 times the healthy levels. He was later forced to back off on that number, claiming it was a mistake in translation. No, it wasn't. Read that as a diplomatic way for a bureaucrat to get out the truth, knowing he would have to walk it back but at least the information would get out to the public."

Monday, March 14, 2011

Funny Cartoon: Tinker Bell, We Hardly Knew Ye

From Denny: Promoting funny people and talented artists is fun! Check out the latest from cartoonist Raymond Betancourt at his TwistedCartoonist blog...



Tinker Bell, We Hardly Knew Ye

Tinker Bell, We Hardly Knew Ye






*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

*** Check out Holiday Recipes From Dennys Food and Recipes

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd - more crazy humor and weird news
The Social Poets - news, u.s. politics and humor
Dennys Global Politics - world politics, political cartoons
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Dennys Art Sanctuary
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Best Spiritual Posts
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Romancing The Chocolate - fun, sassy, lots of chocolate recipes and more food
Unusual 2 Tasty - different twists on favorite foods and international food
Comfort Food From Louisiana - Land of Seafood and Sweets, Cajun, all kinds of comfort food
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor
Dennys Blog Feeds - check out what is posting on all Dennys blogs all at a glance
Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts Food - an online newspaper

Sunday, March 13, 2011

18 Funny Satire Cartoons: The Old, Really Old, Pride

From Denny: OK, OK, I'll finally share and pull these funnies out of draft post status and send the little darlings out into the cold cruel world... I'm always on the lookout for new cartoonists so be sure to shoot me an email when you find someone new on the scene. Hope you all enjoyed Raymond Betancourt from his "Twisted" cartoon blog. The link is just below this post so be sure to check him out if you haven't already. Meanwhile, laugh at the old folks and their crazy antics.  Irreverent commentary provided free of charge, just for today... 


You know you are in trouble when you start with the double glasses: one pair is for reading and the other for life... and you are still reading news print instead of online.


Ballard Street


The latest generation's version of the family snitch... the old pride starts at a young age...


Speed Bump


Friday, March 11, 2011

Funny Cartoon: Twisted Version of Garden of Eden

From Denny:  Check out this hilarious twisted humor that will have you rethinking every legend and myth you ever heard.

What really happened in the Garden of Eden... from cartoonist Raymond Betancourt at his TwistedCartoonist blog...


Adam and Eve






*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

*** Check out Holiday Recipes From Dennys Food and Recipes

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd - more crazy humor and weird news
The Social Poets - news, u.s. politics and humor
Dennys Global Politics - world politics, political cartoons
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Dennys Art Sanctuary
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Best Spiritual Posts
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Romancing The Chocolate - fun, sassy, lots of chocolate recipes and more food
Unusual 2 Tasty - different twists on favorite foods and international food
Comfort Food From Louisiana - Land of Seafood and Sweets, Cajun, all kinds of comfort food
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor
Dennys Blog Feeds - check out what is posting on all Dennys blogs all at a glance
Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts Food - an online newspaper

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Amusing Art Photo of The Day: 8 March 2011

Dennys Art Sanctuary: Amusing Art Photo of The Day: 8 March 2011: "Oh, the clever ones in our midst... :) Artists with words, wit and humor all summed up in an image."

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny But True: Exorcist Chasing Demons Out of Big Bank Chase

The Social Poets: Funny But True: Exorcist Chasing Demons Out of Big Bank Chase: "We are all outraged at the greed of America's Big Banks. Feel helpless? Feel vulnerable? No worries. Your local exorcists are here to save the day."

Funny Video: Colbert Report Version of Mardi Gras, International Womens Day

Reveler, Mardi Gras morning in the Bywater nei...Image via Wikipedia

From Denny: Only Stephen Colbert. He righteously mocks our New Orleans Mardi Gras, enjoying the symbolism of how Mardi Gras fell on the same day this year as the celebration of International Womens Day. What better way to celebrate women, thinks Colbert, than to throw them beads if they flash their breasts? In true Colbert satire, he yells out as he tosses beads into the audience, "Ladies, show me your advanced degrees! Show me how you balance an underpaid working life with a happy home life!"


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Visual Insights: Dennys Funny Photo Gallery: The Nose Knows

Visual Insights: Dennys Funny Photo Gallery: The Nose Knows Today's post is all about our perception of noses: our dog's noses, our cat's noses, our noses of attraction and noses of battle, noses sleeping and noses saying, "I'm guilty as charged!"

The Social Poets: America Is NOT Broke Wisconsin Speech: Activist Michael Moore

The Social Poets: America Is NOT Broke Wisconsin Speech: Activist Michael Moore: "Moore spoke at a rally against Gov. Walker's decision to deny collective bargaining rights to the teachers he has decided to fire. First the public workers lose their rights, then the rest of us across the country watch our wages drop like a rock to ten cents an hour like in a third world country."

Sunday, March 6, 2011

14 Funny Charlie Sheen Cartoons

Charlie Sheen in March 2009Image via Wikipedia


From Denny: Well, one thing is for sure. Charlie Sheen sure can entertain us on or off real life. Though it looks like he may be blurring the lines a bit for himself. OK, most people think he's lost it. Maybe, maybe not. Whatever is going on you sure have to admire his tenacity. He sure seems to enjoy ticking off and embarrassing his producers of the hit TV show.

He jumped onto Twitter this past week and instantly gained about two million followers. His comedy show, "Two And A Half Men" is the number one comedy show on the air.

Whatever you think of Charlie Sheen he is known for his intense work ethic on the set. He shows up on time and works hard all the way through. His fellow actors comment, "If he would demonstrate the same discipline and work ethic when he is away from work his life would not be a mess." They seem to love him no matter how high maintenance he is. Sheen would definitely qualify as a Tiger Actor. :)

Here are what the cartoonists think about Charlie Sheen this week. Hint: It ain't complimentary...


Drew Sheneman


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dennys Global Politics: Libya News Update: Political Cartoons of Gadhafi Last Stand

Dennys Global Politics: Libya News Update: Political Cartoons of Gadhafi Last Stand: "Today news reached the West that Gadhafi air bombed a rebel held town in eastern Libya in a desperate attempt to retake control. Two bombs were dropped near al-Brega.

Why did Gadhafi choose that town when so many others are now under rebel control? Try the fact this town possesses key oil and natural gas facilities: money makers."

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Social Poets: Obama: From Most Admired to Unpopular in America

The Social Poets: Obama: From Most Admired to Unpopular in America During 2010, his approval rating was 47 percent. He did enjoy a high of 58 percent approval when he first entered office.

Dennys Art Sanctuary: 38 Creative March Desktop Wallpapers

Dennys Art Sanctuary: 38 Creative March Desktop Wallpapers: "What do we think of when we reflect upon the month of March? We think of Winter ending, Spring coming in on the cool winds, soaking Spring rains, the trees leafing out and green weeds. There is the fun celebration of St. Patrick's Day. And there is the old adage, 'March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.' These designers took these all as their inspirations."
Related Posts with Thumbnails

This Week's Fav Cartoon

Moderately Confused

Genius

  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift

Advice

  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, PensĂ©es, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977

Children

  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La BruyĂšre, Les CaractĂšres, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

Relationships

  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, robertbrault.com ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian