Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Social Poets: Merry Christmas to ALL! Christmas News Video Clips

Christmas lights on Aleksanterinkatu.
Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Merry Christmas to ALL! Christmas News Video Clips: From Denny: Wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday season. Hope you enjoyed a tasty feast and stuffed yourselves silly. Just wait until the New Year for those calorie regrets. Enjoy your day and thank you for all your support this year! :)

Thought I'd put up a few cool Christmas video news clips of people who live the Christmas spirit of goodwill and giving to others.
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Friday, December 23, 2011

Awww Cute Video: Nanny Cat Lays On Paws 4 Vulcan Mind Meld, Soothes Cranky Baby

From Denny:  This is pretty cute, beyond the usual animal video.  This cat really does have patience for the young baby that feels just a little bit fussy while marooned in the rocker.

Maybe the parents are doing something else and the baby feels neglected.  Maybe the baby has started teething and he is running a mild fever.  Maybe he is just loading up his diaper and going, "Whoa! What is that?!"

Whatever the case the family cat, Stewie, is on the job as Cat Nanny.  When Connar begins to fuss Stewie stretches over a paw and ever so gently massages the top of his head to soothe.

It's like the cat said, "My mind to your mind, Star Trek Mr. Spock Vulcan Mind Meld style, rest, child, rest."  The baby falls asleep dutifully, listening telepathically to the Cat Nanny on the job.  The cat yawns toward the end of the video, reaches forward and carefully kisses the baby's head.

By the way, over four million people have already watched this video.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Check Out Christmas Posts: Funny, Music, Cartoons, Quotes, Recipes, Poems, Stories

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Check Out Christmas Posts: Funny, Music, Cartoons, Quotes, Recipes, Poems, Stories: From Denny:  Check out so many Christmas themed posts that you will pig out like it is a holiday feast.

I've been blogging for three years now and have found loads of Christmas music of all genres - and still adding.  Interesting food to enjoy along with Christmas humor to keep you laughing as well as munching through your busy holidays.

This year I'm adding more Christmas stories and poems, the classics.  Every year there are new recipes to try so the holiday food train just keeps on rolling!
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Sunday, December 18, 2011

Poems From A Spiritual Heart: 20 Christmas Poems From Favorite Classic Poets

bright lights, big city

Poems From A Spiritual Heart: 20 Christmas Poems From Favorite Classic Poets: From Denny:  Revisit some old favorites and discover new poetry friends from the past century.  Here are 20 classic poems, some familiar like "The Night Before Christmas" and many more are so old and not taught in the current fast-paced culture that the past couple of generations may not have read them. These poems are so dense with imagery and archaic language it will exercise your brain and warm your heart at the same time! :)

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Funny Baby and Husky Dog Singing For The Camera

From Denny:  This will have you laughing so hard.  Be careful not to fall off the chair.  Check out the father's sock foot up on the wall and hear him snickering in the background while the mother films the funny episode.

The dog is a husky and is named Angel singing along with her human, a baby named Lexi.  Lexi is so young her tongue muscles have not caught up with her thoughts she is trying to express.  It's as if the dog understands her conversation that probably goes something like this:

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Jon Stewart Mocks Perry Romney 10K Bet

Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart (Image via
The Social Poets: Funny Jon Stewart Mocks Perry Romney 10K Bet: From Denny:  This is too funny.  Jon points out that on the GOP national debate stage a Mormon is gambling with an evangelical about who is the biggest liar of the two, to the tune of 10,000 large.  According to comic John Oliver, this feeds into the narrative of Romney being an out of touch rich guy millionaire.

After all, the average person in Iowa makes a $10 bet not a $10, 000 one.  Only rich guys throw money around like that demonstration.

How dumb can you get?  In the worst economic depression in 70 years you have a millionaire making expensive bets in front of an audience trying to figure out how to keep their kids in college and pay their mortgage.
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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Social Poets: Political Cartoon, Video: Obama And His Fellow Election Pundits

Barack Obama
Image by jamesomalley via Flickr
The Social Poets: Political Cartoon, Video: Obama And His Fellow Election Pundits: From Denny:   As the 2012 election gears up to wear out the American public this month and for the next year nonstop, I thought I'd remind my fellow media guys - and now President Obama - just how bad they often look when giving their opinions, especially of their own accomplishments.  It really is the season of having to endure more delusional smug political propaganda from both sides of the aisle.

Tis the season of the cartoonish political pundit, spouting off silly opinions that rarely ever come true but sure makes for funny entertainment.  This pastel drawing is a classic of mine.  It was drawn when George Bush 43 began his campaign for president back in 1998.

The Repbulicans tout how they are gods we the voters are supposed to bow down and worship.  You see, they keep their message pretty simple:  Worship me; get nothing and like it.
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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Cenk Uygur Mocks Donald Trumps Many Bankruptcies

speaking at CPAC in Washington D.C. on Februar...
Image via Wikipedia
Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Cenk Uygur Mocks Donald Trumps Many Bankruptcies: From Denny: Where else does a post about blowhard Donald Trump belong than on a humor blog about the outrageous and obnoxious? This "The Young Turks" radio show discussion is hilarious. They rip Donald Trump on his many lies - while they rip Fox News. Today is Double Dip Funny!
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Comfort Food From Louisiana: Beef: Braised Sirloin Tips

BERLIN, GERMANY - AUGUST 15:  Mushroom special...
Mushrooms Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Comfort Food From Louisiana: Beef: Braised Sirloin Tips: From Denny: Want a low maintenance meal to throw in the oven during the holiday season while you tend to other things? A hearty casserole is always welcome when the weather turns chilly. You might want relief from dining on turkey. Why not try this easy braised sirloin tips recipe?

Besides, it has brain food: mushrooms. During the holiday season it's easy to get frazzled and it sure is fun to know that mushrooms are available to get our overloaded brains back on target. :)
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Monday, December 12, 2011

The Soul Calendar: Total Lunar Eclipse Put On Intense Red Display, Photos: 10 Dec 2011

lunar eclipse

LUNAR ECLIPSE: Five moons, a composite image of a lunar eclipse, showing the path of the moon into and then out of earth's shadow. (Telescope Image).   Source: Supplied

The Soul Calendar: Total Lunar Eclipse Put On Intense Red Display, Photos: 10 Dec 2011: From Denny: The 10 December 2011 total lunar eclipse was the last total lunar eclipse to be seen until April 2014. At least we can view a partial lunar eclipse on 4 June 2012. It was reported to be an intense red, putting on quite a show in the sky. In fact, the type of red color was considered a rare treat.

Of course, when I went out to view it here in south Louisiana all I got was a completely cloudy sky. It's time for me to move up to higher ground, like the mountains. The Gulf Coast just doesn't cut it for proper skygazing. :)

From atmospheric scientist and eclipse expert Richard Keen of the University of Colorado: "During the lunar eclipse, most of the light illuminating the moon passes through the stratosphere, where it is reddened by scattering. If the stratosphere is loaded with dust from volcanic eruptions, the eclipse will be dark. A clear stratosphere, on the other hand, produces a brighter eclipse."
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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dennys Funny Quotes: Video: Santa Rocks India!

Dennys Funny Quotes: Video: Santa Rocks India!: From Denny: You gotta love India - these guys know how to have some fun. They must be the original "rockers"!

Jingles Bells sung in English but in Punjabi style... Can you imagine the original writer of these Christmas songs must be cringing in their graves? While the rest of us are dancing! :)
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Dennys Funny Quotes: Cool Video: Literally Dancing on The Piano to Play the Song

Dancing on the keys by pianoforte

Dennys Funny Quotes: Cool Video: Literally Dancing on The Piano to Play the Song: From Denny: Move over 50's rocker Jerry Lee Lewis... OK, now I want one for Christmas! This looks like too much fun!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Funny Video Fail: Static Charged Dog Prances Proudly

Dog sunny Day Afternoon
Another funny dog Image by allert via Flickr
From Denny:  Every animal lover will laugh at this one.  Hey, the dog just wanted to get a good puppy massage from his owner.

Of course, with it being winter and the air so dry the dog hair got so charged up it produced this hilarious result - with the dog wondering why everyone was laughing.  Check it out:

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Social Poets: Check Out This Video: Worlds Fastest Flying Human

English: Source: I (Matt Hoover) took this pho...
Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Check Out This Video: Worlds Fastest Flying Human: From Denny: Check out this Norwegian wingsuit flyer/paraglider as he leaps off a high cliff and soars a mile or so over the mountains near a river. He finally pulls his chute open to finish the last glide to land easily on the road where a car is waiting to take him home.

What a rush! He looked like a speeding bullet to the camera crew on the ground as he crested the mountain range. He just zoomed on past them, going maybe well over 130 mph? Turns out he was clocked at 250km/hour - which is 155 mph.

Norwegian Espen Fadnes thought this outdoor activity would be a fun experience for the weekend. He has donned his wingsuit and performed this crazy feat so many times he has earned the dubious honor of World's Fastest Flying Human. In fact, last year he jumped off the Swiss Alps in an international competition, taking home the win.
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Comfort Food From Louisiana: Cajun Red Beans and Rice

Mulate's famous red beans & rice with sausage,...
Image via Wikipedia
Comfort Food From Louisiana: Cajun Red Beans and Rice: From Denny: Red Bean and Rice is a traditional recipe in Louisiana that was the original Wash Day food every Monday, in every household in New Orleans, rich or poor. These beans could simmer on the stove for hours, leaving time for household chores.

Living in Louisiana, sometimes I forget some people don't know how to make this simple delicious dish. It's seems when I am researching up pops something else that I just know you will want to see.

I've been thinking lately of how to get more beans into our diet by adding to traditional recipes and found some awesome recipes from the various bean grower sites that I will be featuring soon on all my food blogs. If you are not yet sold on beans as a healthy and inexpensive food, this dish would be a great introduction.
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Visual Insights: Dennys Photo Gallery: 20 Cute Child Portraits

Atlas, it's time for your bath

Visual Insights: Dennys Photo Gallery: 20 Cute Child Portraits: From Denny: Check out the adorable child portraits I found on one of my "visual vacations" to rest my brain from mind-numbing blog maintenance tasks. Most were taken by their parents and are quite clever in composition.

How do you narrow down the choices to just a few for a post? Well, it wasn't easy, I can tell you that one for sure! I'll probably do a few more of these child photography posts.

I love portraits and the human face that I'm always looking for creative ways to photograph. This should give you some great ideas of how to photograph your new arrival, the sister's cute kids or just when you are out on photo safari in your neighborhood.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Social Poets: Jon Stewart Mocks Herman Cain Sexual Prowess

Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart (Image via
The Social Poets: Jon Stewart Mocks Herman Cain Sexual Prowess: From Denny: Leave it to Jon Stewart and The Daily Show comedy crew to lampoon yet another political sexual whodunit. In fact, Jon Stewart is praying Herman Cain does not quit the race. He is the satire gift that keeps on giving in the season of Too Much Jolly.

Jon questions Herman Cain's excessive denials of knowing but not knowing - in the biblical sense - the parade of women across the 2012 GOP election stage.

He also challenges Cain's concept of sex. Like how can you conduct a 13-year-old affair without having any sex? Who ever heard of a 13-year-long platonic affair? Better yet, who ever heard of paying off women with whom you never had sex? Does that make any sense?

Jon postulates that Cain must be the worst guy in bed, the worst liar or the worst at getting lucky. Anyway you look at it he sure isn't presidential material for this country. We like our leaders to be virile and capable of sealing the deal. After all, what kind of lousy negotiator would Herman Cain be with another world leader if he can't even get sex in a 13-year-old affair?
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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Beautiful Illustrated Quotations: 12 Funny Quotes About Prayer

Bird Song!

Beautiful Illustrated Quotations: 12 Funny Quotes About Prayer: From Denny: Prayer is a wonderful thing. It can bring us comfort, calm our fears and inspire us. It's also quite amusing to view it in terms of the human condition called "whining." There is also "bargaining." Once you grow past those two obvious pitfalls you discover "peaceful communion."

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Close Encounter Planes Fly Over Your Beach Vacation

US Airways Boeing 757 on final approach to St ...
Image via Wikipedia
Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Close Encounter Planes Fly Over Your Beach Vacation: From Denny: Check out just how low these planes are when they come in for a landing over Maho Beach at St. Maarten Princess Juliana International Airport in the Caribbean. People actually go to vacation here just to experience the dangerous jet blasts from the landings.

In the second video you will see people falling down on the sand and get blasted by what looks like a mini sand storm. Be sure to bring your safety glasses with you when you go to experience this new cheap thrill for tourists! :)
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Funny Holiday Ads: Crazy Target Lady Shopping Tips 4 - 6

From Denny:  Crazy Lady keeps the laughs coming!  She really does mock the Black Friday shopping spree that occurs every year once everyone has gulped down their Thanksgiving Day dinner.

The message from retailers?  "Be thankful just long enough to finish your meal.  Now get down to business and start emptying your wallets into our Big Business piggy banks."

Just this week there was a woman in the news who was angry she had to stand in line behind other shoppers.  So, she pulled out her commercial grade pepper spray and lathered all 15 people literally standing in her way to achieve her shopping goal.  Unbelievable.

Comic Maria Bamford mocks the entire process, advising shoppers how to best the competition during the holiday crush.

Funny Holiday Ads: Crazy Target Lady Shopping Tips 1 - 3

From Denny:  The Thanksgiving holiday was barely observed this year as desperate retailers - in a faltering economy - blasted the airwaves with some hilarious ads to get Americans to go shopping.

The comic, Maria Bamford, sports her Crazy Lady at Target character to entertain us.  She sure had me laughing so much I went to YouTube to find all her funny ads for the holiday season.  Be sure to check out her site too.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Romancing The Chocolate: Flourless Chocolate Cake and Mocha Buttercream Icing

Chocolate Raspberry Mosaic

Romancing The Chocolate: Flourless Chocolate Cake and Mocha Buttercream Icing: From Denny: Check out this all time favorite - the flourless chocolate cake. This time it's paired with another favorite flavor - the all important coffee! Somehow, I just have to figure out how to grow coffee beans in my back yard. Can you imagine how sweet that would be to pick your own beans and then roast them? While we are dreaming we might as well include our own cocoa plants, right? Hey, "Go BIG or go home!" :)

Happy Holidays and thank you for all your support this year!
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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Romancing The Chocolate: Decadent Chocolate Cake

Chocolate Raspberry Mosaic

Romancing The Chocolate: Decadent Chocolate Cake: This chocolate cake uses high end chocolate, just perfect for the discriminating tastes for the holidays.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Posts Roundup at Dennys Blogs - 17 Nov 2011

Cover of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart...

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Posts Roundup at Dennys Blogs - 17 Nov 2011: From Denny: Check out blog posts on photography, arts, food, news, politics, a huge amount of humor - especially the political pundits, poetry, astronomy, quotes, music, spiritual and just about anything else that catches my eclectic interest. Can you tell that 140 characters just doesn't work for me? :)

The last posts roundup I did was back in June and we sure are overdue like a long pregnancy. Be sure to bookmark this post as you will enjoy endless hours of laughing while you absorb some good information.

Most of the blog posts are at my flagship blog that spun off into the other 20, The Social Poets, where the news crashes into humor. I even manage to write a few in-depth news posts, slicing and dicing the BS that passes for truth these days on the airwaves.

And to think I do all this in my spare time... Hope you enjoy!

The Social Poets: Jon Stewart Interview: How Your Employer Is Screwing Your Pension Fund

An assortment of United States coins, includin...
Image via Wikipedia
The Social Poets: Jon Stewart Interview: How Your Employer Is Screwing Your Pension Fund: From Denny: Ellen Schultz, an investigative reporter, discovered that Big Business has taken the private pension plans for millions of workers - to the tune of 44 million people - and, instead, "turned them into profit centers for their companies." As a result, the plans are severely underfunded.

Did you know that as recently as 10 years ago, these same retirement plans were so flush with cash that they experienced a quarter of a trillion dollar surplus?

How did they drain that surplus? Big Business did the following:
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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

37 Funny 2012 Election GOP Photos

From Denny:  What ever did we do before photoshop came along to skewer our presidential candidates?  Life is never so much fun as it is now.  The political artists among us had a wild time expressing their opinions about the GOP candidates this year.

And every one of these photos is based upon facts about the candidates.  Which is more outrageous - the photos or the candidates?  You decide.  After all, it's Tuesday and we all need a good laugh to get us ready for the work week Hump Day of Wednesday, right?

Friday, November 11, 2011

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Funny Jon Stewart: Rick Perry Gaffe Gifts Joy Boners to Comedians

Jon StewartImage via WikipediaOuch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Funny Jon Stewart: Rick Perry Gaffe Gifts Joy Boners to Comedians: From Denny: When the GOP presidential candidates screw up on national television, let the comedians count their blessings. Jon Stewart continues to be amazed - and thankful - for all of the Dope Moment gaffes from the Rick Perry campaign.

Just how many times can a candidate mess up like the gift that keeps on giving? Perry trots out on to the various talk shows to try and convince voters he was in on the joke from the previous night's debate. See? It wasn't really a gaffe like it looked. And who believes that sorry try? Well, no one - certainly not on The Daily Show set.

Worse, The Daily Show comedians all had to get in on the act to "display" their visual joy over the recent Rick Perry debate gaffe where he could not remember all three of the government agencies he claimed he would close down if he were in the White House. He managed to tick off the Commerce Department and the Dept. of Education but declared it an Oops! Moment when he experienced a brain freeze, OK, a brain fart to be truthful.
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Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Soul Calendar: 2 Ideas: What Happened to Our Moons Magnetic Personality?

Full Moon view from earth In Belgium (Hamois).Image via WikipediaThe Soul Calendar: 2 Ideas: What Happened to Our Moons Magnetic Personality?: From Denny: Apollo missions astronauts landed on the moon back in the 60's and 70's, gifting Earth's scientists with loads of moon rocks when they returned from their harrowing journeys.

Scientists were shocked to discover those rocks displayed magnetic properties. How could that be?

They also figured out that some of those moon rocks could possess magnetic north and south as well as individual magnetic fields. That sure started some serious scientific head scratching as to how this could be a fact.

They knew magnetism was possible if the rocks were comprised of the right minerals and, under the right conditions, like the rock cooling while present in a magnetic field. Yes, it was possible the rocks could be magnetic.

How does a magnetic field occur?
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Monday, November 7, 2011

Calling In Sick To Your Boss: 15 Funniest New Excuses

Claiming your young daughter stole your car is just one of many bizarre excuses to miss work.
From Denny:  When you don't feel like going in to work, pull out your little Black Book Of Funny Excuses.  Well, there is a new edition in town since a career survey was conducted.

During the colder weather of autumn and winter most people call in sick due to illness like colds and flu.  Illness accounts for 39 percent of employees missing in action, according to the survey.

But then there are the creative types who just want an excuse to spend more time with their families.  Others just want to spend more time in bed because the weather is too crappy to deal with.  Or the procrastinators realize they need to get in some last minute holiday shopping.

So, what hilarious excuses are this generation of employees offering up as savory mind candy to their bosses?  If I were their boss I would give them the day off just for creativity and the boldness to try to sell something so absolutely ridiculous.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

16 Hilarious Photos, Signs to Keep You Wondering

From Denny:  From the witty to the absolutely stupid, check out these funny photos and outrageous signs.  Yep, with the human race there is never a dull moment.  I wonder when aliens land they will get our sense of humor.  Can it be that we are the only ones in the universe with the ability to laugh?

What if the universe was peopled with dull people who never found anything funny?  Look at it this way, Planet Earth will become the universal travel destination for cosmic tourists in need of a good laugh!  Cosmic tourism, now that should help our global economy...

This would be a scary proposition - until you figure out it's a framing shop! :)  clever advertising.

Strange and Funny Warning Signs (29 pics)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Too Funny: Watch Bird on Car Windshield Wiper

Bird on BirdImage by ~Sage~ via Flickr
and yet another odd bird...

From Denny:  Watch carefully and focus upon the tiny bird perched on the windshield wiper blade just above the steering wheel of the car.  This crazy bird just - literally - rolls with it!

Like that old 1988 song by Steve Winwood called "Roll With It."  Make sure to start the song before you watch the bird.  The music almost beats time like a faster windshield wiper motion.  Talk about a double funny!  (The driver didn't want to harm the bird so moved the wiper slowly.)

This is one tenacious bird that doesn't allow much to bother him.  What a great attitude to take to your day!

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Late Nite Jokes: GOP Gaffer Rick Perry

Rick Perry

The Social Poets: Funny Late Nite Jokes: GOP Gaffer Rick Perry: From Denny: GOP 2012 candidate Rick Perry has been stepping on his tongue ever since he entered the race.

Considering how we here in Louisiana feel about the next door neighbor's bullying Texas culture, we Cajun types affectionately call "Shit Kickers," it could not have happened to a better politician.

After all, who has empathy for the guy who thought the BP Oil Spill was good event planning?
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Dennys Art Sanctuary: 3 Awesome Advanced Halloween Makeup YouTube Tutorials

Mystique -

Dennys Art Sanctuary: 3 Awesome Advanced Halloween Makeup YouTube Tutorials: From Denny: Want to create your own fantasy Halloween makeup? Look no further as this one is awesome. She guides you through how to use spirit gum to attach the hair, concealer to zero out your eyebrows and blue eye shadow for your new skin color. For the spots she applies lash glue and then, after drying for about 30 minutes, she mixes up some black and blue lipstick to color the spots.

Check out how to create Neytiri Avatar and a sexy Vampire Princess too!
Related Posts with Thumbnails

This Week's Fav Cartoon

Moderately Confused


  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift


  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977


  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.


  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian