Saturday, October 31, 2009

13 Lollapalooza Halloween Posts to Make You Grin!



From Denny: Here's a roundup of all the funny and informative Halloween posts from this week - Dennys Blog Feeds where you can view all the blogs at a glance for description and headlines to recent posts:

5 Crazy Funny Halloween Posts for Recipes, Costumes, Parties

From Denny: I've been writing intensely all day to get out all the funny Halloween related videos I've found and tasty recipes! I'm downright bug-eyed that I'm not sure which end is up - literally by the funny odd photo I found on StumbleUpon.

You will enjoy all these crazy posts as they were great fun to write:

5 Campy Halloween Posts, Costume Ideas and Recipes

Halloween Italian Comfort Food: Halloween Purses, Pumpkin Risotto, Chocolate Pudding Cake, Pumpkin Bread Pudding, Nutella Apples

Video: Halloween Campy Cakes - Chocolate Spider Cakes, Ghoulish Ghost Cakes

4 Campy Halloween Drinks for Your Party, Find Out Halloween Trivia



This little kittie is staying indoors come Halloween night... smart move, Oh, Wise One...

From Denny: What is Halloween without something a bit campy and ridiculous? The first post has a recipe and some sophisticated inexpensive decorating ideas. The costume ideas for you and your soon-to-look-ridiculous dog are the funniest. I like the X-Ray Machine costume best.

The second recipe shows you how to easily assemble your own Oreo cookie black Halloween spider cookies which are sure to be a hit with the kids at the door or your friends at your posh Halloween party!

Halloween

Video and Recipe: Halloween Pumpkin Chocolate-Chip Pound Cake, Decorating Ideas, Pumpkin Carving Tips, Amusing Costume Ideas for You and Your Pets

Recipe: Fun Halloween Oreo Spider Cookies



OK, these posts are so scary they are funny! (Lame, I know... I just love it when people over-hype their products. It's so outrageous.)

Funny

Lampooning Perfectionists is the latest Cheeky Quote Day! segment over at The Social Poets to get you laughing and thinking about how to improve your life without making it stressful.

Lampooning Perfectionists - Cheeky Quote Day 28 Oct 2009

I went cruising the web looking for more funny chocolate quotes than I already have stashed on Romancing The Chocolate blog and ran into funny Sandra Boynton's site. She has a new movie short just released a couple of days ago. B. B. King sings alongside his famous sidekick Lucille.

Let's all support her as this is her first movie debut. The little documentary that sidekicks it is interesting as to how many people it really takes, all the hoops they have to jump through, just to make a tiny film - and she made it funny too!

5 Funny Chocolate Quotes, Sandra Boyntons B. B. King Video

In case you missed any of these cute little Halloween funnies over at Dennys Funny Quotes, here's a repeat:

(Featured new today) Video: Creepy Hotels for Halloween Getaways

Repeats:

Funny Halloween Quotes, Halloween Cartoon

Cheeky Quote Day at The Social Poets, Funny Halloween Animation

*** Handmade Unique - lists posts from several blogs around the blogosphere with Halloween posts.

*** Thanks for visiting, everyone, and thanks for your great support! Have a fun and safe Halloween!

*** Editorial political cartoons will be here tomorrow for Sunday's post. Come on, you know that Halloween is so campy and funny that no writer can resist the temptation of writing posts for the silly holiday we enjoy so much. It's just too much fun! You know me; I'm always up for a good grinner! :)

Friday, October 30, 2009

5 Campy Halloween Posts, Costume Ideas and Recipes

From Denny: I've been writing all day to get out these funny Halloween posts and videos for you, enjoy! The adult cocktails and "finger foods" for parties are hilarious and actually look tasty! (uh... that didn't quite sound right, well, maybe it did.. for Halloween.) Get a grin at the awesome costumes and fun they had over at The Today Show this morning. I never get to watch them in real time so it was fun to catch up by watching these short clips.

In the links below: The Halloween trivia video is chock full of interesting info for trivia buffs. Halloween food Italian style is to die for! Wonderful chocolate pudding cake. There are more chocolate cakes that are funny and good to eat, decorating videos to decorate cakes and cookies as well as your party. This year there is a plethora of funny videos celebrating the campiness of Halloween!

Quick costumes at the last minute for you.



Halloween costumes at the today show that made me laugh.



Getting the today show cast into the costumes.



Memorable moments Halloween at the today show



*** Thanks for visiting, everyone!

Here's what I've been writing for posts all day:


*** For more Halloween recipes and funny Halloween videos:

Video: Halloween Campy Cakes - Chocolate Spider Cakes, Ghoulish Ghost Cakes

4 Campy Halloween Drinks for Your Party, Find Out Halloween Trivia

Halloween Italian Comfort Food: Halloween Purses, Pumpkin Risotto, Chocolate Pudding Cake, Pumpkin Bread Pudding, Nutella Apples

*** Handmade Unique - lists posts from several blogs around the blogosphere with Halloween posts.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

7 Tasty Posts 4 Halloween AND Funny, What More Do You Want?



This little kittie is staying indoors come Halloween night... smart move, Oh, Wise One...

From Denny: What is Halloween without something a bit campy and ridiculous? The first post has a recipe and some sophisticated inexpensive decorating ideas. The costume ideas for you and your soon-to-look-ridiculous dog are the funniest. I like the X-Ray Machine costume best.

The second recipe shows you how to easily assemble your own Oreo cookie black Halloween spider cookies which are sure to be a hit with the kids at the door or your friends at your posh Halloween party!

Halloween

Video and Recipe: Halloween Pumpkin Chocolate-Chip Pound Cake, Decorating Ideas, Pumpkin Carving Tips, Amusing Costume Ideas for You and Your Pets

Recipe: Fun Halloween Oreo Spider Cookies



OK, these posts are so scary they are funny! (Lame, I know... I just love it when people over-hype their products. It's so outrageous.)

Funny

Lampooning Perfectionists is the latest Cheeky Quote Day! segment over at The Social Poets to get you laughing and thinking about how to improve your life without making it stressful.

Lampooning Perfectionists - Cheeky Quote Day 28 Oct 2009

I went cruising the web looking for more funny chocolate quotes than I already have stashed on Romancing The Chocolate blog and ran into funny Sandra Boynton's site. She has a new movie short just released a couple of days ago. B. B. King sings alongside his famous sidekick Lucille.

Let's all support her as this is her first movie debut. The little documentary that sidekicks it is interesting as to how many people it really takes, all the hoops they have to jump through, just to make a tiny film - and she made it funny too!

5 Funny Chocolate Quotes, Sandra Boyntons B. B. King Video

In case you missed any of these cute little Halloween funnies over at Dennys Funny Quotes, here's a repeat:

Video: Creepy Hotels for Halloween Getaways

Repeats:

Funny Halloween Quotes, Halloween Cartoon

Cheeky Quote Day at The Social Poets, Funny Halloween Animation

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Video: Creepy Hotels for Halloween Getaways

From Denny: Forget the usual suspects of horror movies this Halloween. Take a long weekend getaway to a creepy hotel that the paranormal guys claim are seriously creeped out. Creepy hotels and spooky spots segment is so funny. Of course, Stephen King wrote The Shining at the Stanley Hotel. Listen in:

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

5 Funny Quotes Lampooning Perfectionists



Photo from StumbleUpon, no attribution available

From Denny: While working on the Cheeky Quote Day segment on Wednesdays at The Social Poets, I was struck by how many comments have been made through the centuries about humanity's drive for perfectionism. Since I grew up around far too many annoying perfectionists that drove me crazy most of the time to the point that I used to pretend I was deaf, dumb and woefully stupid just so they would leave me alone. :)

It's healthy, in my unesteemed opinion, to have a laugh on yourself as much as lampoon humanity in general. Get a grin from this little sampling taste of what is upcoming on tomorrow's Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets. Enjoy!

Perfection Quotes

* The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley J. Randall

* No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers. - Anonymous

* When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. - George Fisher

* A good garden may have some weeds. - Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732

* The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do for an encore. – Anonymous

*** For the full fun article @ The Social Poets, go here: Lampooning Perfectionists - Cheeky Quote Day 28 Oct 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

Video: Wealthcare for Billionaires Farce Musical Interrupts Insurance Industry Conference

From Denny: And the headline should read: Video: Wealthcare for Billionaires Farce Musical Interrupts Insurance Industry Conference (while they plot against us). Have I got a wild weird video for you today or what! OMG, you are so going to love this one!



For more funny crazy stuff today, visit The Social Poets: Roundup of Sunday Funnies 26 Oct 2009 - Balloon Troubles, Obama Takes on Fox, Why Fox News Isnt Really News (these videos about Fox News are especially good!)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

22 Interesting Varied Blog Posts, 23 Oct 2009



Photo from Stripes Photography group on StumbleUpon - wonderful photo - if anyone knows the photographer, please pass it along so they can receive attribution...

From Denny: In case you missed a goodie, here are some of the best from all the blogs this past week, enjoy! Thanks for all your support, everyone, and have a great weekend too! XXOO, Denny

Video: Americas Republicans Losing Support Even in Bad Economy

Video: Restaurant Foods Compost Great Wines

Busy Day at The Social Poets, Posts on Dan Browns Book The Lost Symbol and Obama

Video: 2,700 Year Old Mystery Mummy Surfaces at Miami Museum

Video: Meet the Human Calculator

Video: Noetic Science Examines Consciousness

Video: Pregnant Mother Dies of Swine Flu Misdiagnosis

Cool Video: Prez Obama Honored for Nobel in Sand Sculpture

10 Funny Quotes, Late Night Show Funnies, Spiritual Thought of the Day, Why Obama Deserves Nobel Peace Prize

4 Funny Posts and 4 Yummy Recipes

Chocolate, Pecan and Coconut Cookies

Recipe: Velvet Chocolate Cheesecake

Recipe: Fun Halloween Oreo Spider Cookies

2 Easy Basic Brownie Recipes

2 Easy Cake Recipes: Louisiana Praline Toffee Bundt Cake, Southern Livings Popular Praline Cake

Recipes: Make Your Own Cajun Blackened Seasoning for Fish or Chicken!

3 Recipes: 3-Step Slow Cooker Baby Back Ribs, Sweet Tangy Slaw, Sweet Potato Roasted Garlic Turnovers

Do You Remember Your Dreams and Know Why It Is Important?

Haiku Style Imagination Quote and Photo

How Do You Know Your Creativity is Art?

How is the Dream Helpful on Our Life Journey?

Why is Joy Important to Cultivate in Your Life?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Editorial Cartoons over at The Social Poets 24 Oct 2009



From Denny: Help me celebrate The Social Poets one year blog anniversary by laughing at today's editorial cartoons of the week collected into one post. There is certainly plenty going on in American culture that the cartoonists are not short of issues to lampoon.

Editorial Cartoons This Week 24 Oct 2009 at The Social Poets, go here.

*** Thanks for visiting, everyone, and for all your great support! Certainly never expected so many by the hundreds to show up so quickly; glad you are enjoying what I find and post, thanks again!

Friday, October 23, 2009

41 Funny Conan OBrien Quotes



From Denny: The one thing I enjoy about comedians so much, at least the really smart ones that don't rely totally on shock crass trash talk exclusively, is they really get a handle on social incongruities. Conan O'Brien is one of those talented comedians. While it's true no comedian can be funny all the time, every time, this guy sure hits it right the majority of the time. Take a look and enjoy!

Quotes

Conan on society and culture:

* Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?

* Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

* A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

* Webster's Dictionary will replace the term orgasm with the more accurate 'I-hope-she-doesn't-know-I'm-thinking-about-her-friend-gasm.'

* Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

* Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.

* New research in geometry will result in the renaming of several familiar shapes. New Year's Eve in New York will be celebrated in Times Oval, and teenage boys everywhere will participate in rhombus jerks.

* Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

* In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

* In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.



Conan on alcoholism:

* Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

* Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'

* If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

Conan on politicians and politics:

* Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

* Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

* Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

* President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

* CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'

* Earlier tonight at the White House, President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House.

* Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.



* President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.

* Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John Kerry. The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.

* Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

* The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

* The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'

* President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan to senior citizens, and yesterday at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not “pull the plug on grandma.” There was an awkward moment when grandpa stood up and booed.

* During an NBC news special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy Bo could do. In fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money.

* Here's some news: Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he’s determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors.

* Speaking of President Obama, a new book claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage where their relationship was somewhat frosty. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I’d kill for 'somewhat frosty.'”

* Howard Dean will win the Democratic presidential nomination proving that in national politics a white Protestant man can prevail against a black man, a Jew, and a creepy elf.

* Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

* Experts say it could take 80 days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans (after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city). When President Bush heard this he said, '80 days, that's half a vacation.'

* Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'



Conan on celebrities:

* This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

* Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.

* Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.

* Scientists announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, "I can't afford those kind of phone bills."

* The Jerry Springer Hotel Porno tape is finally released, and the public learns a horrible truth: Jerry can only climax while being hit over the head with a chair.

* This is a huge night in my life, ... I cannot tell you how proud I am to be the Emmys' first Catholic host.

* Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.

* The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you, "Why didn't you do that on television?

*** Thanks for visiting, everyone, and have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

100th Milestone Post Here, Busy Day at The Social Poets, Posts on Dan Browns Book The Lost Symbol and Obama



From Denny: There's so much going on with the news coverage about Dan Brown's new book, The Lost Symbol. He sure has tapped into the popularity of conspiracy theories and fast-paced mystery thrillers.

The Today Show both interviewed him and did some short news stories as clues for unraveling the mysteries in the book, great fun! Take a look.

Video: Interviewing Novelist Dan Brown on The Lost Symbol, Life as an Author, Masons

Video: Good Stories and Clues 1 to 4 for The Lost Symbol

Video: Dan Browns New Book The Lost Symbol

Video: The Lost Symbol - Secrets of the National Cathedral, Masons on Dollar Bill, Todays Masonic World Power

Video: Obama Talks About Womens Issues

*** Note: Post 3 of the day

Photo by lepiaf.geo @ flickr

Video: Weird News - Coyote Trapped on Car Grill at 70 mph and Lives!

From Denny: At first I wasn't sure I wanted to watch this as I thought the coyote was hamburger and totally dead. Yet this is good news - he survived just fine and this is only a weird story of how two kids didn't realize they were driving with a coyote on their car. A couple of other odd stories on this video to enjoy too!



*** Note: Post 2 of the day, check out more weird and funny news!

Video: Weird Woman Bombs Nuisance Racoon, Weird American Nursing Assistant Becomes African King, Weird Gingrich Quoting Communist Mao

From Denny: Does it get any weirder? Take a listen. You read the title of this post, no kidding, for real, weird people. You can't make up this stuff! :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Cheeky Quote Day! over at The Social Poets



*** Comedians like Jay Leno keep us laughing with a ready quip!

From Denny: In the mood for some hilarious Jay Leno quotes? Hike on over to The Social Poets for this week's Cheeky Quote Day! segment. If ever there is a cheeky guy Jay Leno is rated at the top.

For 35 Jay Leno Quotes, Cheeky Quote Day 21 October 2009, go here.

Here's a trio sampling:

* A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on a shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!

* In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong president. (George Bush was in office, not Bill Clinton.)

* Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

*** Thanks for visiting!

For 35 Jay Leno Quotes, Cheeky Quote Day 21 October 2009, go here.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

13 Funny Twisted Thinking Quotes for Halloween



From Denny: Who was the director who popularized the genre of horror movie-making? The more polite terms of his movie-making would be known as suspense and psychological thrillers. Answer, of course: Britain's own Alfred Hitchcock. This director became well known also for inserting himself briefly into his movies with an odd cameo appearance. You never knew what to expect from him.

When you read some of his quotes you start to get inside his head. The guy had some seriously twisted thinking with a humorous edge. Somehow, Halloween just seems to be his season... creep on, Alfred!

Quotes

* Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

* Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.

* Give them pleasure - the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.

* I'm frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me. That white round thing without any holes have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I've never tasted it.



* I am a typed (cast) director. If I made Cinderella, the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach.

* The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

* I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them.

* In feature films the director is God; in documentary films God is the director.

* Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

* I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

* Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

* Blondes make the best victims. They're like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.

* When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?, ' I say, 'Your salary.'

Monday, October 19, 2009

42 Monday Morning Funny Coffee Quotes, Coffee Cartoon



Coffee cartoon by Todd Zapoli



* Coffee Quotes

* A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent.

* Chocolate, men, coffee – some things are better rich.

* Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.

* Caffeine isn’t a drug, it’s a vitamin !!

* Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

* No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee’s frothy goodness.

* Coffee has two virtues: it’s wet and warm.

* Men are like coffee, they’re strong, warm and keep you up all night!!

* Espresso is to Italy, what champagne is to France.

* If heaven had a flavor,it would be coffee!

* Coffee tastes like you’ve just taken one step into heaven.

* I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

* Coffee is not my cup of tea.

* Decaffinated coffee is just useless brown water.

* Coffee: The gasoline of life.

* Question: Do I like my coffee black? Answer: There are other colors?

* Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.

* My blood type is coffee.

* All the coffee in Columbia won’t make me a morning person.

* Coffee in England is just toasted milk.

* There has never been a better office communication system than the coffee break.

* I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.

* Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. (only long enough to plug in and start the drip coffee maker, my friends, and then it's back under the covers for the next precious few minutes while it brews...)

* Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical.

* Some coffee + Some thinking = Some great ideas.

* Without coffee breaks, there will be no accomplishments!

* Retirement is one great big giant coffee break.

* On the eighth day God created coffee.

* On the eighth day God created coffee so that people like me could experiance those seven other days.

* Don’t criticize my coffee. You may be old and weak one day. (Coffee made in Kansas is weaker than rain water. When a couple from Kansas moved to Louisiana as our neighbors they served this coffee one brunch to which we replied, "Did you forget to put coffee grounds in the drip basket? This is so weak you can see through it!" Turns out they were actually serious. Now, in Louisiana, home of the dark French Roast, we consider that a stingy insult to good coffee! We believe in being generous with your food and your guests.)

* You know when you find good coffee; hot men always work there.

* Is there life before coffee? There is NO life before coffee. There is life AFTER coffee !!

* Coffe is not a beverage; it’s an intense moment of pure pleasure.

* Just give me my caffeine and nobody gets hurt!

* WIth enough coffee, I could rule the world.

* Coffee in England always tastes like a chemistry experiment. (Surely, coffeehouses like Starbucks have changed this food landscape by now. The coffee in Austria is awesome! We had several favorite coffeehouses there when we visited. Try Cafe Sperl for one; their coffee is also available through Gevalia, a coffee company from Sweden that serves America too. Just google Gevalia.com)

* If you’ll excuse me a minute, I’m going to have a cup of coffee.

* I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

* No questions until I’ve had my second cup of coffee!

* Don’t drink coffee in the morning. It will keep you awake until noon.

* I make serious coffee – so strong it wakes up the neighbors !!!!!!!! (Yeah? I know where you live: Louisiana!)

* Coffee; you can sleep when you’re dead!

*** Thanks for visiting, everyone, have a great work week!

*** For Monday Morning laughs make sure you visit my other blog, The Social Poets, for late night show quips and joke, editorial cartoons and funny videos all in one Roundup of Sunday Funnies post every Monday.

*** To keep you laughing and arm you with some interesting trivia check out 25 Weird Coffee Trivia to Astound and Amuse You! Funny coffee related photos too, enjoy!

Also at The Social Poets: Roundup of Sunday Funnies: Hillary's Stressed, Obama Dances
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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cool Creepy Morphing Eyes Animation



Photo by ViaMoi @ flickr

From Denny: You have so got to see this animation! Remind me never to start taking recreational drugs! What a trip! It's perfectly creepy for the Halloween season, not gory but spooky with so many eyes morphing as they stare into your soul. I can only imagine what the psychologists would make of this art idea! :)

For this fun wild ride: Eye Animation

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Signs of the Times: Funny Churches




Signs of the Times: Funny Churches: "Laughing at church signs

How many times have you passed by a church on your way to work and wished you had a camera? You are in luck as I found the guy who did."

From Denny: This is an article I wrote a while ago documenting all those funny church signs you see on the road as a curious part of our American culture. Europeans wouldn't dare to do something so brazen! :)

Take a look and enjoy! Have a great Saturday and thanks for visiting!

Friday, October 16, 2009

5 Funny Pessimist Curmudgeon Quotes



From Denny: Curmudgeons, pessimists, you name them how you like, we all have them in our lives. They may be our boss, a co-worker, the grocery cashier, a family member who you would like to ditch - but you are related to them. (Hint: Ditch them anyway. You will live longer and happier.)

These crazy quotes from the black hole negative people are hilarious. What a dark outlook on life! And who would we more optimistic types who enjoy laughing have to lampoon if not for these guys? See, there is purpose in the world.

Quotes

* I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! - Tom Lehrer

* The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose. - Kahlil Gabran

* An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be. - Anonymous (I grew up with waaay too many engineers.)

* A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. - Peter McArthur

And, from my favorite funny guy from over a century ago:

* Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. - Oscar Wilde

*** Tomorrow, Saturday, is This Week's Editorial Cartoons over at The Social Poets. So come by and get some more laughs at what's being lampooned in the news! Thanks for visiting!

Cool Video: Smashing Pumpkins onto Police Cars, Prez Obama Honored for Nobel in Sand Sculpture

From Denny: This is an Oddball segment from Keith Olbermann's Countdown show. Since it's October we get to watch folks in Lincoln County, Maine smash huge pumpkins. They put the several hundred pound pumpkins on a crane high in the air and then drop them onto decommissioned old police cars. Sort of gives you some satisfaction for that speeding or parking ticket you felt you never deserved from whatever decade... :)

What's really cool is the incredible sand sculpture a world renowned sand artist in India did on a local beach in Puri, India recently. The artist is Sudarshan Patanaik and his sculpture is four feet high, depicting President Obama's head embedded in a Nobel Peace Prize medal with an accompanying dove and a message pro Peace. This man is quite the artist! So glad a film crew went out there and recorded it; maybe he will do a painting or print photo to sell as posters? Beautifully done as well as a political statement art.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Funny Video: OMG! Crazy Canadians Racing Pumpkin Canoes

From Denny: OK, this is simply not fair! The Canadians are having more fun than us! :) I have to go holiday in Canada just to see this or "drive" in one of these pumpkin races. What a grinner! The best thing about this race is that the proceeds go to benefit the Make a Wish Foundation for terminally ill children. Check it out.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Cheeky Quote Day at The Social Poets, Funny Halloween Animation



Halloween: the only time of the year we can get away with acting "socially inappropriate," i. e., obnoxious! :)

From Denny: Make sure you get your silly Halloween seasonal laughs today reading Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets!

Thanks for visiting, everyone, really appreciate all the many visits every day and your support! Have a great day!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Funny Halloween Quotes, Halloween Cartoon



This is cute: instead of being known as the black sheep of the family this guy is known as the black sheet - it is Halloween! :)

From Denny: Tomorrow is Cheeky Quote Day! over at The Social Poets. I started researching funny Halloween quotes. Can I tell you there were very few of them? Quite surprising! I did find some great little jokes and funny ghost stories to share. Here's a sampling:

Quotes

* I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Charles Swartz

* Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain. - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

* This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. - Conan O'Brien

Thanks for visiting!

Monday, October 12, 2009

10 Funny Work Quotes for Monday Morning



Photo of 1940's WW II women at work in a steel factory by The U. S. National Archives @ flickr - Guess you can tell I'm a huge fan of housework... :)

From Denny: I actually slowed down a bit this past weekend to do some housework. Duty called and it's been calling for some time (and you sometimes wonder if you should don a haz-mat suit like these ladies). This time of year it's a good idea to break down the house room by room and clean it all thoroughly before winter settles in, especially if you have some four-footed friends like we do.

For someone who is no fan of the boring business of doing housework and would rather be laughing, found with a very large glass of great red wine in her hand visiting with friends or anything else wonderfully sociable, I came on over to my funny quotes blog for a laugh before I got started on the dreary job. Then it was time to play some loud rock and dance music to keep me going. Hey! Whatever works, right?

Here are some of the funny housework quotes that kept me in good humor, thinking about them while I was working. Might be equally applicable to the usual suspect called The Work Week! Enjoy!

Quotes

* The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything. - Dave Barry

* One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. - G.M. Weilacher

* They're sure housework won't kill you, but why take the risk? - Anonymous

* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Anonymous

* Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum - "My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch." - Joan Rivers, comedian

* This house is protected by killer dust bunnies. - Anonymous (in my house they are made of cat fur, and like they take on this mind of their own and suddenly start rolling when I'm running after them to catch up until, at last, success, and hurl them into the garbage can.)

* There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan

And then when you are in the middle of it all, bored but accomplished plenty of clean (or you're at work for the same equivalent) our thoughts should turn to retirement for encouragement:

* In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day. – Anonymous

* Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

* When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired. – Anonymous



*** For more laughs make sure you visit my other blog, The Social Poets, for late night show quips, jokes and funny videos all in one Roundup of Sunday Funnies post every Monday. Cheeky Quote Day is on Wednesdays and Editorial Cartoons Roundup on Saturdays.

*** Check out my other humor blog, Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd, where I park whatever I find while cruising the web, a variety of goodies!

*** To keep you laughing and arm you with some interesting trivia check out 25 Weird Coffee Trivia to Astound and Amuse You! Funny coffee related photos too, enjoy!



What's going on at some of the other blogs today:

This Weeks Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Biden's Nobel Hairpiece Prize

What is the Simplest Good Spirituality and Why?

Everyone is Wondering What the Nobel Peace Prize Committee Saw in President Obama

*** Have a great week, everyone, and thanks for visiting!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

This Weeks Editorial Cartoons 10 October 2009

From Denny: First up for this week's commentary cartoons is the subject of health care.



Moving right along to swine flu season:






A couple of words about the state of health of most Americans:





This week should have been named NumbSkull week as there was quite a rash of stupid going on in America - NumbSkull #1 at Acorn:



NumbSkull #2 called TV host David Letterman who outted himself for having multiple affairs with staffers while married because he was too cheap to pay off the extortionist:



NumbSkull #3 with her best-seller book she didn't write:



NumbSkull #4, the supposed leader, who is useless with this Afghan War:



NumbSkull #5, I don't know who is worse, Polanski or the idiots who support him:



Those annoying guys in Wall Street:



The reason those guys on Wall Street are so annoying:



The plague of American society:





Ah, the emotional maturity of the crazed American football fan:



Thanks for visiting! And hey! If it's America, politics and there are still cartoonists alive to lampoon it all, stay tuned!

Friday, October 9, 2009

5 Funny Quotes About Using Quotes



From Denny: I've been running hard this week and it's always nice to wind down by coming to my funny quotes blog for a grin. Here are a few that drew my eye tonite. If it's a cheeky quote, look for it here! :) If you have any good ones to pass on, shoot me an email: warriorspearl @ gmail.com.

Quotes

* It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. - Mark Twain, Following the Equator

* It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. - Franklin P. Jones

* I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damned things. - Dorothy Parker

* When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it. - Anatole France

And the best for last:

* Laying in bed this morning contemplating how amazing it would be if somehow Oscar Wilde and Mae West could twitter from the grave... - Dita Von Teese

Thanks for visiting! Have a great weekend! Also, stop in tomorrow here or at The Social Poets for your funny dose of the best of this week's editorial cartoons collected into one post.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Video: What Cartoonists Are Thinking While Watching Classical Pianists

From Denny: I'm minding my own business while cruising the internet and what do I run across at Best On Tube? This Tom and Jerry cartoon episode. The longer I watched it the more I realized some cartoonist had been to too many classical concerts, was bored and probably started drawing on a napkin! Take a look; it's a great way to unwind after a work day or start your day with a grin!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Cheeky Quote Day Over at The Social Poets 7 Oct 2009



From Denny: Every Wednesday is Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets blog where I put up whatever crazy funny quotes I find for the week. This week the challenge was to find funny quotes about poetry. Let me tell you, that really turned out to be a challenge! Not too many poets have a great sense of humor! Fortunately, we can always count on funny guys like Oscar Wilde, Carl Sandburg, Robert Frost and Walt Whitman among others.

Here's a sampling of 5 quotes for you to enjoy:

* I could no more define poetry than a terrier can define a rat. - A. E. Housman

* If Galileo had said in verse that the world moved, the Inquisition might have let him alone. - Thomas Hardy

* Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things. - T.S. Eliot, Tradition and the Individual Talent, 1919

* Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. - G.K. Chesterton

* There is the view that poetry should improve your life. I think people confuse it with the Salvation Army. - John Ashbery


To visit Cheeky Quote Day, go here.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

5 Funny Quotes About Chocolate Love



I think this was a Valentine's Day ad in some magazine...


From Denny: Who doesn't love chocolate? Well, you just knew I had to collect funny quotes about chocolate and some silly photos too! :)

* I am not a strict vegan, because I'm a hedonist pig. If I see a big chocolate cake that is made with eggs, I'll have it. - Grace Slick

* I meditate, I do yoga, and I have a lot of friends who are healers...and if none of that works, I go buy a chocolate bar and a bottle of cognac. - Susan Strasberg



This was a fashion show where all the clothes were made only or mostly of chocolate! That must have been one hedonistic after party...

* I owe it all to little chocolate donuts. - John Belushi, comedian

* Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

* You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - George Carlin, comedian

For some more funny chocolate quotes and chocolate recipes, take a look at the blog where I park those goodies, Romancing The Chocolate, go here.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Cat Fairy Tales to Soothe on a Bad Day!



From Denny: When your cat whines all day because all it does is rain - like mine did today - be sure to read him or her a lullaby about how awesome, good-looking and wonderful they are. You know, read from the same fairy tale book you read to your special someone in your life! A little ego stroking goes a long way to getting that satisfying purr going and then Life is good!

Some of their favorite quotes to hear when they are settling in for a snooze:

* Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible. - Roger Caras (And we are ego stroking and ego stroking...)

* Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience. - Pam Brown (They hold this practice in high esteem, honing their skills by practicing often.)

This one bears repeating as cats love symmetry and routine:

* Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience. - Pam Brown (All of my kitties have learned this astounding feat.)

* If I tried to tell you how much I love my cats, you wouldn't believe me - unless your heart is also meow-shaped and covered in stray fur. - Lexie Saige (You might want to read this one again and again as big egos and little egos love this one in particular. It's good to know we are loved!)

* If purring could be encapsulated, it'd be the most powerful anti-depressant on the pharmaceutical market. - Alexis F. Hope (Thus endeth the fairy tale with a happy ending. Your cat will look at you, content their worth in the world has been reaffirmed. Besides, "they told you so; you should have listened the first time.")

Sunday, October 4, 2009

So Many Great Cartoons, So Little Time...

From Denny: Had a few great cartoons left over from my last posts this weekend here and on The Social Poets, enjoy!



My own L.S.U. won again this week, ranked at number 4 in the country for college football - GEAUX Tigers!



The Republicans are busy denying everyone health care this week...



What else is as good in life without the added fun of lampooning the nukes race?

Related Posts with Thumbnails

This Week's Fav Cartoon

Moderately Confused

Genius

  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift

Advice

  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977

Children

  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

Relationships

  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, robertbrault.com ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian