Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Visual Insights: Dennys Photo Gallery: Artists At Work

Artist at work

Artist at work photo by Jean-Francois Phillips @ flickr, from the United Kingdom, All Rights Reserved with embed code available

Visual Insights: Dennys Photo Gallery: Artists At Work: "From Denny: Check out what I found today while searching for interesting artists to feature over at my arts blog, Dennys Art Sanctuary. While looking through the many photos I was struck by how many depicted the artists at work. Sure enough that developed today's theme! Enjoy the 18 photos of artists painting graffiti, portraits, sidewalks, recycling egg cartons as fine art, doodling on department store windows, making music, you name it. All great fun and immense creativity."

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Late Nite Jokes, Video, Cartoons: Bin Laden Porn Stash, Navy Seal Raid

Comic Conan O'Brien 

The Social Poets: Funny Late Nite Jokes, Video, Cartoons: Bin Laden Porn Stash, Navy Seal Raid: "From Denny: When America catches and kills off a long hated terrorist what is there to do but to make tasteless jokes about it? The late night comics are in full laughing mode, mocking the insanity. Of course, now, what we will do for macabre entertainment here in the West?

The speculation is already on in the military, intelligence and comedy communities - sometimes these guys really do echo each other in the most spooky ways - as to who takes over as Bin Laden's harried replacement. Colbert adds his funny voice to the world journalists, showing the possible replacement for World Terrorist."

Funny End Of The World Cartoons, Late Nite Jokes, Funny Videos

Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr
Views to date: 28,330

From Denny:  Like any responsible journalist I was waiting to make sure the end of the world did not arrive so I could report on it. Now that the end of the world has been rescheduled by an 89-year-old senile pastor until 21 October 2011 all news personnel are free to make mock - at least until the next end date shows its ugly face.

Meanwhile, said pastor is frantically busy "dialing for dollars" to increase his retirement fund to gorgeous proportions. He already collected $70 million. I am definitely in the wrong racket... :)

Enjoy the comedy banter. After all, if we are all scheduled to disappear into the abyss we might as well go laughing! I lean toward the Happy Fatalist Philosophy in a 2012 election year...

Check out an idea for Father's Day!

Magic Coffee Fonts Mens Wallet

Magic Coffee Fonts celebrate our morning cup of joe!

More phone cases and other technology available in this design along with the usual suspects:  mugs, t-shirts, bedding, jewelry, handbags and wallets and more fun!

Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  Thanks for your support.  You rock!

Funny Outta Here Samsung Galaxy S5 Case

Translated from "I am so outta here!" to Cajun Louisiana slang: "I am a Gone Pecan!" In your best French accent: Gawn Pee-cawn. What sea life better to represent "Gone Pecan"
More phone cases, padfolios, iPad cases and other technology available in this design along with the usual suspects:  mugs, t-shirts, bedding, pet items, kids, jewelry, handbags and wallets and more fun!

Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @ CafePress.com  -  see what's new!  Thanks for your support.  You rock!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Funny Relationship Issues Cartoons, Remember Your Special People Memorial Day

From Denny: These cartoons will really get you thinking about your current - or, uh, er, past relationships. It sure takes all kinds to make the world go 'round, doesn't it? A little light humor based off reality is just the ticket for a way to ease into a long holiday weekend...

Strange Brew

Have a great Memorial Day holiday, chill out to shed yourself of some stress, enjoying some time with family and friends. Be sure to lift your glass to toast those who came before us, sacrificing their lives for our freedom during war time or those who sacrificed as good friends to help keep us balanced in the mundane places of life. Take time to remember the best people in your life and celebrate them this special holiday.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Social Poets: Time To Fire Atty Gen. Eric Holder: Outrageous Changing The Law to Prosecute Edwards

Eric Holder, Attorney General - is it really Justice?

The Social Poets: Time To Fire Atty Gen. Eric Holder: Outrageous Changing The Law to Prosecute Edwards: "From Denny: Incompetent - and a player of dirty revenge politics - Attorney General Eric Holder, decided of his own volition to change the law, untested in court and no precedent, to prosecute Senator John Edwards. Last time I checked it was Congress that is in charge of making the laws - not the Attorney General.

Why? Try for one thing that it was John Edwards that was the first pick for Holder's job until news of the Edwards' affair broke publicly. Edwards had told his wife two years before the news became public.

Another reason for this ugly ludicrous tactic is that Holder is in a weakened political state after botching several high profile prosecutions. He is desperate to prove to President Obama he should be able to stay on for another four year term.

When an incompetent guy is willing to fight this hard to hold onto his job that's a red flag you know it's time to fire him. What kind of public servant forgets he is a public servant - and pulls a stunt like this in an election year - that blows back onto his boss seeking reelection?"

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Social Poets: Cartoons: Obamas Israel Peace Speech, Register Your Solution to Middle East Peace

Israel PM Benjamin Netanyahu and President Obama

The Social Poets: Cartoons: Obamas Israel Peace Speech, Register Your Solution to Middle East Peace: "From Denny:  Sagging poll numbers for President Obama has sent him off in the direction most presidents run trying to grab some greatness, this time in the form of the famous Middle East Peace talks. This week Obama kept to the usual American rhetoric of 'so, give back the land you took in 1967' strategy that the past three presidents have also tried to sell to no avail.

In case you were not alive in 1967 - or watching the news the past 30 years or maybe living under a rock - Israel did a huge land grab in 1967, taking the Sinai peninsula, the Golan Heights and the West Bank.  To make peace with Egypt they gave back the Sinai."

*** To read more just click on the link ***

Funny Cartoons: Its All In Your Odd Perspective

Anti-botox brigade - Photo by embot @ flickr

From Denny:  This funny cartoonist. Dave Blazek, makes us laugh in his "Loose Parts" corner of the funny world. Take a peek inside this guy's mind.

Those new spending habits of the sprayed cockroaches that left your house and moved uptown:

Loose Parts 

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Funny Jon Stewart Mocks Bin Laden Conspiracy Theory

Bin ladenImage via Wikipedia

From Denny: The comedians have figured out how to help President Obama fix his relationship with Pakistan. The obvious cure? Admit that Osama Bin Laden really is not dead. Hey, that's a novel idea.

The best reason for saying Bin Laden is actually still alive is because it will help defense spending. "Why risk bursting The Terror Bubble?" asks comedian John Hodgman. "After all, it's our last bubble" and the economy might be in trouble if we take a baseball bat to it is the subtext.

Wondering how we could start such a Bin Laden rumor, Hodgman reminds us we are the country so capable we put a man on the moon. He says we are also the country that created rumors we did not put a man on the moon. Ain't America great?

Jon Stewart suddenly figures out what Hodgman is saying, "To save our economy we need to create a new conspiracy theory about Osama Bin Laden from scratch."

The reply? "Yes, that's what we do best."

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Jon Stewart Disses Pakistan On Hiding Secret Helicopter Tail

Jon Stewart 

The Social Poets: Funny Jon Stewart Disses Pakistan On Hiding Secret Helicopter Tail: "From Denny: Stewart lampoons Pakistan on their incompetence or their lying about the whereabouts of Bin Laden. Either way they lose. Either they were stupid or they were involved up to their proverbial eyeballs. OK, Stewart mentions that reference in the cruder terms of Man Speak that will have you laughing till your sides hurt.

Petulant Pakistan thumbs their nose at America and says they will keep their play toy helicopter tail full of sensitive technology the Chinese paid them to procure so it could be reverse engineered. Hint to the Chinese: You lose. It's probably a huge freaking lie in the first place and they wanted to infect your computers just like Iran. That calls for a real Hehehehe. Oh, well, all's fair in waging cyberwar."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Lobbyists, IRS Square Off Over New Law to Catch Rich Tax Dodgers

Dirty Corporate Tax Dodgers

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Lobbyists, IRS Square Off Over New Law to Catch Rich Tax Dodgers

From Denny:  It's an election year and reeling in tax dodgers is a populist position. Americans are furious the wealthy and corporations don't pay taxes at all or very little, certainly not their fair share.

How much does the government lose to rich tax cheats? 

Did you know the Treasury Department loses as much as $100 billion each year in owed taxes because of offshore accounts? Think how that would affect the bottom line to ease the budget deficit - instead of taking away school lunch programs for needy children.

New tax dodger law 

The good news is there is a new law in town. It's called the Foreign Account Tax Compliance Act (FATCA). Foreign financial institutions must report accounts held by American citizens to the U.S. government. The penalty if they fail to report? Not providing that information means those firms face a 30 percent withholding tax on their U.S. revenue. Ouch!

The bad news is that the law does not take effect until 2013 even though it was passed in March 2010. Worse, now enter the gang of lobbyists - yes, more than the usual 100 per lawmaker already leeching off the taxpayers in Washington - who are descending upon the capitol to reject or modify this law. Screaming for help are the foreign financiers and trade associations that have set their sights upon nasty K Street as their messiah.

*** To read more just click on the link ***

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert Lampoon Gov. Schwarzenegger Sex Scandal

Arnold Schwarzenegger, 2003 Cannes film festivalImage via Wikipedia
From Denny: Stewart claims The Snark Fairy anonymously left him the comedy material on his desk, depicting "Ah-nold" in all his glorious movie posters. Stewart is his usual irreverent self as he debates the difference between a child's game of pin the tail on the donkey or pin the balls on the Schwarzenegger.

And then there's the Colbert take on the sex scandal news... Colbert is convinced you tune in to his show for him to tell you how you feel about these scandals in the news. After all, it's his duty to think for you about such important matters. He says "at the rate Arnold is going he is making John Edwards look like father of the year."

Two videos for today's satire, enjoy!

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Satire From The Onion: Obama Refrains From Obliterating Human Race

WASHINGTON, DC - APRIL 05: Flanked by other c...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Satire From The Onion: Obama Refrains From Obliterating Human Race: "From Denny: With the Republicans unintentionally doing The Onion's job for them in the satire department it doesn't take much to write the comedy these days. The GOP is on The Implosion Trail politically with their latest ideas about 'health care.' They are committed to Rep. Paul Ryan's ridiculous health care legislation when 90 percent of the country hates it. Yet the GOP is dug in, stubbornly refusing to budge.

It's always something with this not so bright crowd. After they view their poll numbers in the toilet these guys still insist upon flushing again and again. It boggles the mind. So is it any wonder The Onion is dancing on their heads whenever they criticize Obama? Take a look as The Onion reads you the week's headlines:"

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny 2012 Election Politics, Obama, Bin Laden Cartoons

The Social Poets: Funny 2012 Election Politics, Obama, Bin Laden Cartoons: "From Denny:  When it rains it pours, goes the proverb. It applies to weather these days from the Spring snow melt-offs flooding the American Midwest to the South to the frenetic weirdo politics of 2012 presidential campaigning.

Mississippi River flood

I live in south Louisiana in Baton Rouge, a large city just south of the Morganza Spillway. The Army Corps of Engineers let open a number of gates to flood 18,000 acres of farmland and small towns. They hoped to save two of the largest population centers that are each a large port:  the capital city of Louisiana, Baton Rouge and the largest port, New Orleans."

*** To read more and see the cartoons just click on the link ***

Friday, May 13, 2011

Blogger Issue

From Denny:  Blogger has been off line since 9 May through almost noon 13 May 2011. No bloggers could access or publish their blogs. Back up now! Excessive celebration may now commence...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Dennys World of Quotes: Friendship Quotes

Photo by HaPe Gera @ flickr

Dennys World of Quotes: Friendship Quotes: "A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. - Douglas Pagels

In my friend, I find a second self. - Isabel Norton

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. - Anonymous

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad. - Arnold H. Glasgow

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world. - Leo Buscaglia"

*** To read more click on the link ***

Monday, May 9, 2011

Dennys World of Quotes: Work and Unemployment Quotes

"Top Women" at U.S. Steel's Gary, Indiana, Works, 1940-1945

Dennys World of Quotes: Work and Unemployment Quotes: "Work and Unemployment Quotes

We believe that if men have the talent to invent new machines that put men out of work, they have the talent to put those men back to work. - President John F. Kennedy

Unemployment diminishes people. Leisure enlarges them. - Mason Cooley

When I quit working, I lost all sense of identity in about fifteen minutes. - Paige Rense

An 'acceptable' level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. - Anonymous

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. - Slappy White

Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden. - Orson Scott Card

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us. - Anonymous"

*** To read more click on link ***

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Funny Video: Colbert Claims Obama Takes Credit for Bin Laden Death

Dennys: News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food: Funny Video: Colbert Claims Obama Takes Credit for Bin Laden Death: "From Denny: Only satirical Colbert could sound outraged about the death of a terrorist and how he was buried in proper Muslim tradition and sleeps with the fishes now. Colbert says he is 'outraged and he is not the only one whose rage is out.'

He goes to Fox News clips of various talking heads upset Obama was respectful of Bin Laden's body. Colbert suggested they basically 'bring back the body, stuff it with candy, and let Mexicans swat it with a stick.'

Colbert via Glenn Beck goes on to discuss how President Obama received a nine point approval rating bump from the news Bin Laden is dead. To hear Glenn Beck tell it, George Bush or even a simple shoe that ordered the Bin Laden mission - they both would have gotten the approval bump. A shoe? Guess Glenn Beck doesn't think too much of his one time hero, George Bush 43. Of course, Colbert wants to know if that shoe is a Republican."

The Social Poets: Funny Video: Colbert Reveals Style Tips From Bin Laden As Glam On The Lam

The Social Poets: Funny Video: Colbert Reveals Style Tips From Bin Laden As Glam On The Lam: "From Denny: Shaking my head while I'm grinning - what a precocious man child. Only Colbert. What can I say? I'll let him speak for himself...

Colbert on Bin Laden: 'He's been found to be living in a mansion. He picked in 2002 and he's been in trouble with the law ever since. He's basically a fundamentalist Lindsey Lohan.'

Acting like a celebrity media gossip show, Colbert takes us inside the Bin Laden compound to hear the latest juicy gossip about how Bin Laden lived his life in luxury: Glam on the Lam. It turns out that 'terrorists are just like us!'"

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Funny Video: Colbert Talks Long Awaited We Got Bin Laden Party

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 01: People celebrate in the...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Funny Video: Colbert Talks Long Awaited We Got Bin Laden Party: "From Denny: Colbert shouts out American cheers of 'USA! USA! USA!' He praises President Obama as 'the number one most Bin Laden killing president in American history.'

Colbert mocks Bin Laden all over the place in his most obnoxious high-handed tone. The world is so happy Bin Laden is gone everyone is downright giddy. So, Colbert holds up his hand mirror to remember his happy look and proceeds to kiss the mirror so he 'can remember this look forever.'

Bin Laden held the world hostage, looking over their shoulders. It's like saying you miss Hitler when he died. The world was glad to see that serial killer gone too.

Colbert says his long-awaited We Got Bin Laden Party is over due, cue the music - and party balloons falling from the ceiling like confetti. The 10 year old party cake, properly molded, says 'Wassup, Bin Laden. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.'"

Funny Video: Colbert Says Osama Bin Laden Still Dead

From Denny: In the spirit of true excessive satirical celebration Stephen Colbert talks his usual funny nonsense that is so ridiculous you can't help but laugh. His latest is downplaying how Bin Laden was said to be a figurehead but hey, America loves to hunt down and kill figureheads just as much as the guys who are involved in day to day operations.

Colbert proclaims we all love figureheads, like the British monarchy, why not terrorist figureheads? Says Colbert, "I can't wait to see what he was wearing."

He gives a shout out to Navy Seal Team Six. Since the real identities of the team are classified only Colbert would speculate as to who they truly are: Rambo, John MacLaine, Master Chief, Batman, Vin Diesel, Laura Croft and Kung Fu Panda.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Friday Lite: Osama Bin Laden Late Nite Jokes

Lisa Benson

The Social Poets: Funny Friday Lite: Osama Bin Laden Late Nite Jokes: "From Denny:  While the news outlets continue to dissect the details of the Bin Laden compound raid, the comedians have wasted no time in concocting their best jokes.  The jokes center less around Bin Laden and his demise and more around everyone's perception of the decade-long situation. President Obama is seen in a new and more favorable light."

The Social Poets: Mission Accomplished: Dead Terrorist Osama Bin Laden Political Cartoons

Scott Stantis

The Social Poets: Mission Accomplished: Dead Terrorist Osama Bin Laden Political Cartoons: "From Denny: While Pakistan bobs and weaves on who knew what and when about the whereabouts of Bin Laden for five long years, there is no shortage of opinion about his recent demise.

Frankly, no person of sound and reasonable mind believes the folks in Pakistan did not know Bin Laden was living next door. Even the locals who did not know for sure his identity knew something creepy was going on in that tourist town about 100 miles outside of Islamabad.

Of course, when you know a really bad guy with too much money, possesses a desperate need for privacy and keeps too many armed guards, well, it is a definite clue to steer clear of him. Would you try to friend a drug lord or the world's number one terrorist if he moved into your neighborhood?"

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Social Poets: Funny Obama at White House Correspondents Dinner

The Social Poets: Funny Obama at White House Correspondents Dinner: "From Denny: First the President starts off with how the state of Hawaii finally released his long form birth certificate to shut up The Birther crowd. He said he also decided to release the actual footage of his birth, never before seen in the past 50 years, not even by him.

Cue up the African music playing for his birth. When imaginary video ends, he says, 'I want to make clear to the Fox News table that this video was a joke.' Yeah, good move, Mr. President. These guys are suckers for satire sites.

Turns out it was music from a Disney movie and not his live birth footage. Just saying.

Obama moved on to criticism he is 'too professorial.' So, he told the crowd he was assigning them some reading to draw their own conclusions.

Others say he is arrogant so he has found a great self-help tool for this: his poll numbers."

Funny Will Ferrell Reacts To Bin Laden Death As President Bush

From Denny: Comic Will Ferrell resurrects his George W. Bush 43 reenactment where Bush learns that Osama bin Laden is now dead. Yeah, the Navy Seals got the sucker, uh, gopher.

"President Bush" reports from his local Dallas Sizzler steak house, complains about how there is no taco bar and plunks down just one more meatball onto his plate before giving his official response and report to the media about the MIA gopher.

The usually clueless George Bush goes on and on about how he and his gardening staff - the Mexicans and the whites - finally ran down that troublesome gopher and killed it. Bush named the gopher "Ardilla" and parallels the bin Laden death to that of the gopher demise. You know how it is when a president gets really angry about some wretch trying to tear up his back yard.

Bush gleefully reported that he and his staff gave Ardilla a proper funeral in true gopher tradition: wrapping it securely in a bath mat and then throwing it over the fence into the neighbor's yard.

Wow! I forgot how endearing Ol' Bush could be. Bet the comedians really miss him. It's practically no fun having someone intelligent in the White House these days. :)

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Social Poets: Dead: Osama Bin Laden, Time To Stop Iraq-Afghan Wars

The Social Poets: Dead: Osama Bin Laden, Time To Stop Iraq-Afghan Wars: "From Denny: Justice came swiftly this weekend, dished out from American Special Forces in a deadly fire fight, unleashed by President Obama to kill decades-long terrorist Osama Bin Laden. The mastermind of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in 2001 was found living in the lap of luxury in a large mansion in the affluent suburb of Abbottabad, about 30 miles outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. As it was, in the 40 minute fire fight, it was believed he used one of his wives as a human shield as he fired upon the assault team.

Terrorist cult leader turned world pariah

Like the typical cult leader he preached sacrifice and frugal living to his dewy-eyed followers yet enjoyed a lavish life style for himself, his family and closest followers."

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Jon Stewart: John Oliver Pokes Fun At The Royal Wedding of Kate and William

Jon StewartImage via Wikipedia
Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious and Odd: Jon Stewart: John Oliver Pokes Fun At The Royal Wedding of Kate and William: "From Denny: Jon Stewart and John Oliver lampoon all the insane media coverage and excessive scrutiny over the royal wedding. No insufferable detail is left unturned. It turns out it's terribly important for the world to learn about how jelly molds are made for royal weddings. Listen to British comic John Oliver mock the craziness."
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This Week's Fav Cartoon

Moderately Confused


  • A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
  • A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
  • A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
  • A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
  • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
  • Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
  • Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
  • Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
  • Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
  • Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  • Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
  • Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
  • Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
  • Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
  • Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
  • Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
  • His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
  • I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
  • I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
  • I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
  • I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
  • I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
  • If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
  • In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
  • Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  • Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
  • Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
  • Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
  • Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
  • Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  • Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
  • Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
  • Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
  • The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
  • The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
  • The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
  • The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
  • The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
  • There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
  • This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
  • Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
  • We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
  • We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
  • We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
  • When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift


  • Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
  • A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
  • I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
  • Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
  • I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
  • No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
  • It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
  • We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
  • The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
  • When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
  • Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
  • The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977


  • There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
  • Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688
  • The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
  • If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
  • There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
  • Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
  • Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
  • Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
  • Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  • Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
  • Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
  • There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
  • A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
  • It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
  • What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
  • While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
  • Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
  • The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
  • In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
  • A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
  • Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
  • There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
  • In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
  • You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
  • Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
  • Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
  • Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
  • A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
  • Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
  • We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
  • A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
  • We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
  • I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
  • I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
  • Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
  • Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
  • Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
  • Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
  • A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
  • A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
  • Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
  • Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
  • Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
  • Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
  • Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
  • Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
  • Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
  • A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
  • A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
  • A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
  • A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
  • May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
  • Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
  • I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
  • You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
  • I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
  • Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
  • First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
  • Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
  • Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
  • Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
  • They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
  • Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
  • Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
  • We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
  • A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
  • There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
  • Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
  • Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
  • To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
  • If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
  • Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
  • Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
  • Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  • Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
  • After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
  • It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
  • Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
  • Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
  • About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
  • Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.


  • Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
  • Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
  • Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
  • Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
  • I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
  • If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
  • True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
  • I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
  • Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
  • If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
  • Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
  • The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
  • In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

  • If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
  • I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
  • The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
  • Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
  • We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
  • If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
  • We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
  • Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
  • I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
  • I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
  • Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
  • I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
  • A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
  • The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
  • Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  • Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
  • And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
  • The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
  • A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
  • The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
  • The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
  • The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
  • There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
  • All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
  • A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
  • A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
  • To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
  • To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
  • A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
  • I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
  • If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
  • I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
  • A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
  • In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
  • Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
  • A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
  • Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
  • You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  • Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
  • The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
  • We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
  • There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, robertbrault.com ~ Robert Brault
  • To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
  • I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
  • Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
  • Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
  • Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
  • It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
  • The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
  • Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
  • Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
  • It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
  • Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
  • Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
  • There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
  • You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
  • My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
  • He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
  • The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
  • Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

  • A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
  • "If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
  • "Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
  • "If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
  • "I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
  • "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
  • "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
  • "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
  • "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
  • "You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
  • "Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
  • "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
  • "A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

Holiday: Mother's Day

  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno, comedian, TV host
  • Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns, American vaudeville and TV comedian