Dennys Funny Quotes: work-excuses

Showing posts with label work-excuses. Show all posts

Monday, November 7, 2011

Calling In Sick To Your Boss: 15 Funniest New Excuses

Claiming your young daughter stole your car is just one of many bizarre excuses to miss work.

From Denny: When you don't feel like going in to work, pull out your little Black Book Of Funny Excuses. Well, there is a new edition in town since a career survey was conducted.

During the colder weather of autumn and winter most people call in sick due to illness like colds and flu. Illness accounts for 39 percent of employees missing in action, according to the survey.

But then there are the creative types who just want an excuse to spend more time with their families. Others just want to spend more time in bed because the weather is too crappy to deal with. Or the procrastinators realize they need to get in some last minute holiday shopping.

So, what hilarious excuses are this generation of employees offering up as savory mind candy to their bosses? If I were their boss I would give them the day off just for creativity and the boldness to try to sell something so absolutely ridiculous.

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Genius

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. - Joey Lauren Adams
A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see - and hits it. - Anonymous
A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence. - Barbara Walters
A harmless hilarity and a buoyant cheerfulness are not infrequent concomitants of genius; and we are never more deceived than when we mistake gravity for greatness, solemnity for science, and pomposity for erudition. - Charles Caleb Colton
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - E.F. Schumacker
Character is higher than intellect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. - George Bernard Shaw
Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
Every man is a potential genius - until he does something. - Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lynd
Every person of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert S. Lun
Every true genius is bound to be naive. - J.C.F. von Schiller
Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. - Josh Billings
Genius is an African who dreams up snow. - Vladimir Nabokov
Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. - E.B. White
Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. - George-Louis de Buffon
Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. - Oscar Wilde
Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. - Apple Computer
His genius he was quite content in one brief sentence to define; Of inspiration one percent, of perspiration, ninety nine. - Thomas A. Edison
I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly. - Buckminster Fuller
I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. - James McNeill Whistler
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
I think the world is run by C students. - Al McGuire
I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. - John F. Kennedy, in an address to Nobel Prize winners
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. - Stanley Garn
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. - Emerson M. Pugh
In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self Reliance," Essays, 1841
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
Man becomes man only by his intelligence, but he is man only by his heart. - Henri Frederic Amiel
Men of genius are meteors destined to burn themselves out in lighting up their age. - Napoleon Bonaparte, Discours de Lyon, 1771
Passion holds up the bottom of the universe and genius paints up its roof. - Chao Chang
Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. - George Scialabra
Primitive does not mean stupid. - Anonymous
Since when was genius found respectable? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects, 1711
Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better. - Carl Jung
Talent is that which is in a man's power; genius is that in whose power a man is. - James Russell Lowell, Literary Essays
The course of every intellectual, if he pursues his journey long and unflinchingly enough, ends in the obvious, from which the non-intellectuals have never stirred. - Aldous Huxley
The difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living. - Charles F. Kettering
The invention of IQ does a great disservice to creativity in education. - Joel Hildebrand
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. - Rebecca Pepper Sinkler
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. - Don Herold
This is the nature of genius, to be able to grasp the knowable even when no one else recognizes that it is present. - Deepak Chopra
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. - Mark Twain
We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. - President Woodrow Wilson
We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. - Sigmund Freud
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift

Advice

Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. - Cicero
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911
I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. - Mary Wortley Montagu
I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. - Josh Billings
No one wants advice - only corroboration. - John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. - Anonymous
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. - Anonymous
When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Charles Varlet de La Grange, Pensées, 1872
Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - François La Rochefoucauld
The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. - Anonymous
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. - Henry Wheeler Shaw, a.k.a. Josh Billings
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977

Children

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. - Walt Streightiff
Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. - Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. - Frank A. Clark
Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969
Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. - Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto
Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. - John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
What is a home without children? Quiet. - Henny Youngman
While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt
Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. - Margaret Atwood
The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. - Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley
A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Anonymous
Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Anonymous (maybe Art Linkletter?)
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. - Dena Groquet
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. - Not Your Average Dictionary
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. - Thomas Szasz
You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983
Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Anonymous
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. - Anonymous
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones
We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. - Stacia Tauscher

About Humor

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Anonymous
I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. - Frank Howard Clark
I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. - Edward Albee
Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. - Leo Rosten
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Citor Borge
Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. - John Kenneth Galbraith
A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. - Hugh Sidey
A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessammyn West
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William A. Ward
Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. - Sid Caesar
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. - Mark Twain
Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. - Agnes Repplier
Humor is just another defense against the universe. - Mel Brooks
Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. - Irvin S. Cobb
Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. - Christopher Morley
Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. - Mignon McLaughlin
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. - Henry Ward Beecher
A joke is a very serious thing. - Winston Churchill

Birthday Quotes

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. - Tom Wilson
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Larry Lorenzoni
May you live to be a hundred years - With one extra year to repent.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. - Jean Paul Richter
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Asquith
Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - Dorothy Fulheim
First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennett
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Schulz
They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once. - Dave Barry, "Your Disintegrating Body," Dave Barry Turns 40, 1990
We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go-unless you enjoy them.
Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. - Chili Davis
To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.
You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.
Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

Relationships

Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. - Thomas W. Higginson
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Jeanne-Marie Roland
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use a words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid that area altogether. Trust me - Tim Allen
Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man. - Yoko Ono
Twitter was invented by men. A woman would have chosen a higher character limit.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby
If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. - Noel Coward
True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they've gotta match. – Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
Ugly visual: When you're up to your nose in sh*t, keep your mouth shut. - Anonymous
If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. - Cynthia Nelms
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. - William Caxton
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 1 night." - Anonymous
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? – (understandably) Anonymous
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West (wink wink)
In life; it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out! - Joey Adams

Make You Wanna Wince: Dumbisms

If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. - Michael S. Traylor
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle
The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle
Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst, a word smith he isn't
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – (understandably) Anonymous, probably from a stoned rocker after a concert
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle, VP to Bush 41
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine
Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter
I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. – President George W. Bush (Bush 43)

Pet Quotes: Funny & Serious

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbet
I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward. - G. K. Chesterton
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Anne Landers
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker. - Buddha
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine
A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue. ~ Anonymous
The dog represents all that is best in man. ~ Etienne Charlet
Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one. ~ Anonymous
And God took a handful of Southerly wind, blew His breath over it and created the horse. ~ Bedouin Legend
The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. ~ John Berry
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. ~ Samuel Butler
If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very – very - few people. ~ James Thurber
The Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. ~ Rudyard Kipling
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
The dog was created especially for children. He is the God of frolic. ~ Henry Ward Beecher
There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man than the way in which they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before. ~ Robert Lynd
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ~ Dave Barry
All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. ~ Samuel Butler
A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse! ~ Shakespeare
A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart and wins with his character. ~ Tesio
To err is human, to purr, feline. ~ Robert Byrne
To err is human, to forgive, canine. ~ Anonymous
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me. ~ Anonymous
A dog maybe a man's best friend but a horse made history... ~ Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams
I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained. I stand and look at them long and long. ~ Walt Whitman
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~ James Herriot
I love cats because I enjoy my home; and, little by little, they become its visible soul. ~ Jean Cocteau
A house is not a home without a pet. ~ Anonymous
In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. ~ Warren Eckstein
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ~ Ann Landers
Dogs have owners; cats have staff. ~ Anonymous
A canter is the cure for all evil. ~ Benjamin Disraeli on horses
Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. ~ Joe Gores
Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France
A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes! ~ Theophile Gautier
The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals. ~ Anonymous
We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. ~ Immanual Kant
An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
If all the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beasts also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. ~ Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe, letter to President Franklin Pierce
There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct. ~ Robert Brault, robertbrault.com ~ Robert Brault
To insult someone we call him "bestial." For deliberate cruelty and nature, "human" might be the greater insult. ~ Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Winston Churchill
I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907
Be it human or animal, touch is a life-giving thing. Has anyone ever had a stroke or a heart attack while cozied up with a pet? I doubt it. ~ Robert Brault
I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand. ~ Robert Brault
Most pets display so many humanlike traits and emotions it's easy to forget they're not gifted with the English language and then get snubbed when we talk to them and they don't say anything back. ~ Stephenie Geist
Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. ~ Colette
It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. ~ Henry David Thoreau
Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. ~ Voltaire, letter to Count Schomberg, 31 August 1769
The kind man feeds his beast before sitting down to dinner. ~ Hebrew Proverb
Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem. ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. ~ Robert Brault
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~ Martin Buber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~ Nora Ephron
Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms. ~ George Eliot
Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler, The Accidental Tourist
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
Cat Law of Selective Hearing "A cat can hear a mouse yawning a mile away, while filtering out the sound of a pleading human just six feet away. - Anonymous
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Anonymous
There's no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat. ~ Wesley Bates
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution. ~ Hazel Nicholson
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous
You know your cat is getting old when she quits hunting in the back yard. Now she hunts at your dinner table.- Denny Lyon
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry
My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton
He doesn’t reckon his dog has human feelings, but he sure lets you know when you hurt his instincts. ~ Robert Brault
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley
If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry S. Truman
A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts. - Frank Skinner
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. Jeanne-Marie Roland
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

Political Humor

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw
"If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand
"Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain
"If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008
"I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss
"So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008
"So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 (Oh, this is funny on so many levels...)
"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)
"You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007
"Thanks for the question, you little jerk." -- John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)
"I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)
"A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner